Dead inside.

Nothing is as bad as broken heart. Pain seems to subside but the bleeding continues inside. The hurt no one can see the pain no one can feel, but the one who suffers. Sometimes the scene is so bad when you cannot express your condition and can’t cope with it either, people on the outer front either don’t get what’s going on or they think we are just faking. Some people go to limits where they say shrug off your sadness change your mood and smile it will be OK soon as this all pain and sadness is in your mind. Be strong, have positive thoughts and don’t linger on, on what should be let go off are the nice advices we get, but I wish this could be so easy that by mare a shake of head everything could be  gone, disappear into the thin air.

The moment eyes are closed their voice admitting their act of cheat and everything else is clearly audible. The mind at that time becomes a record player which keeps on playing and re – playing the scenes from the bitter reality. It’s like heart trying to forget and mind refusing to do so. Sleep for us is a way to escape from the brutal reality but there also we find no peace. If only this sleep could turn into a never ending episode,  so there would be no need to wake up and run from all those thoughts of heart ache and pain. All day in wakeful hours what we do is try to keep all those thoughts at bay by indulging in something or the other. But the moment we stop to breathe the same thoughts crop up. All the pain taken to forget goes in vain.

There are times when it seems we are normal, to others of course,  but in actual we are just hiding behind a mask which we have put on, so no one is bothered or try to bother us because some times people do listen to our problem but they do not understand. They just hear but don’t get the point. This hurts more. To fake a smile to hide the tears and escape the bothering

seems far more easy rather than explaining people what we are going through which they actually don’t understand. Those are the times when I really feel dealing with physical pain is far better than dealing with emotional pain.

The mind plays so many games with you that you just can’t bear the situation. There are many times when you want to share your pain or just let your thoughts out but the mind tricks you in such a beautiful way that you are always standing alone still figuring out what to do with the idea of sharing. Basically you are standing on a two way path completely confused not able to make out whether to tell and feel relief or to be quiet and just don’t bother others with your problems as anyhow they won’t understand. You will find yourself always standing on that two way road, not moving an inch here or there. After sometime the opertunity will pass or you yourself feel that now telling anyone of it will be of no use. Again whenever you have something to speak out your mind will confuse you, in other words will not let you speak and then you find yourself standing again on the same point. It seems like you are frozen in time. Heart and mind are on fight continuously. Where heart want to trust mind differs and where mind puts it’s trust heart has its share of disbelief. Not only this but in the lone hours person himself is in war in the lonely dark places of mind. It’s like you’ve been closed and left loose in pitch dark room without any clearity and you are bombarding your head. This happens mostly in the nights when you are alone to yourself and everyone else is asleep. Even if you have the company of your love then also it hardly matters. The moment you close your eyes you are dropped in front of hungry tigers and lions. And then the battle begins, a bloody battle where no blood comes, no scars are visible, but you are totally defeated and worn out the next day when you wake up. It’s the time when you don’t want to wake up, don’t want to do anything, but drag out yourself from the bed every morning. Then the other horror starts when you realise that you still remember every single bit that you wanted to forget and in that fight to forget and remember you forget only what you wanted to remember and remember what you wanted to forget.  This is how the mind and the person keep on fighting for the person they are no more and have no connection either. The heart in this process dies. But it dies a very slow death moment by moment day by day shedding all the hopes like dead leaves from a tree and when none is left there remains a big void a numbness. Nothing else remains. I have heard they say hope is the last thing a person does before they are defeated. And my personal feeling is similar to it, don’t take away someone’s hope they might have only a hope to cling to, for surviving. The moment it’s gone the person becomes a living dead which is more horrible then death itself.

I have come to a conclusion that pretending is far better then explaining. And keeping your pain to yourself is easier. There are times when thought of moving on and letting go comes, but the very moment it comes a cold shiver shakes the whole body and it becomes very hard to do so. But there will be a day when nothing would be able to stop, a day when inner self will be completely dead. No hurt no pain will be left. May the strength be showered upon.

There is so much to say and so much to explore inside hurting self but right now is the time to take a break.

2 thoughts on “Dead inside.

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