Depressive days.

From my face you don’t know what’s going in my mind. My eyes are somewhere and my mind is thinking something else. Sometimes my sight is stuck at some point but my thoughts are completely something else. Sometimes my mind has dual thought processing at the same time. Which means eys looking at a scene mind has two thoughts at the same time…like one thought is about my life, the other one at the same time about him with his life. Sometimes its really hard to tell whats going on in my mind from the look on my face. Occasionally tear rolls out of the eye’s corner and reaches the corner of my lips and its then I myself come to know the condition of my mind, shocking? Yes it is for me atleast. I then rub it off as if nothing happened, because I dont have any other option, no one’s there to understand what I go through when I am left alone in the xompany of my mind. So much muddling of contrasting rhoughts, attacking eachother and harming no one but me, in anycase. This is the reason I hate my company, it suffocates me. I have nothing in my control but a battle inside turn into war inside out, with myself. I feel so helpless and hopeless that I just want to do something, which is not good for anyone. But my badluck I cannot do even that, you know why? Because I have two small kids, I have to look towards them and stop myself. Life is becoming miserable day by day. How long I will pull up, I don’t know. But sometimes the thoughts are dangerous when you are lonely, no one to listen to you, understand you and look in the depth of your soul and realise how bad you are hurt.

All said, I have only one thing to request, I will keep fighting and won’t give up. For the sake of my children, my love for him, my new found love for my words and pen, to tell stories of all kind, to lwt others like me know that its hard to get rid of our condition but its not impossible to keep fighting against, either. We can fake a smile and enjoy moments so that sometimes our mind may get confused and leave us at peace for sometime, so that we can enjoy life in real for a while atleast. When the pang of depression strikes again, we have some peaceful and beautiful memories to give us strength and hope that atleast there are some light spots in this dampest of place, and if bad days have surrounded us, the good days are nit far behind.

I know we cannot get rid of this darkness once it has kissed us but we can surely get the control in our hands, with little practice. And rest we have to keep fighting with it on and off, all our lives.

Just a thought

My cupboard is something I dread to open. It’s like everything will fall down on me. I have stuffed it with odd things. And I am not able to bring myself to organise it. The mere thought gives me nightmare. Same is the condition of my mind. When I try to pull on one thought everything starts bombarding on me. I just cnut bare the pain. I am affraid of my mind. The inward journey even to the happy moments tumble up everything. My thoughts….OMG! I am scared of thinking anything now a days. One tug at a single thought …lo! the bundle of buried memories of love by gone, the trust laid out, everything that was dear to me, laughter, desires, color and dreams, all come rolling down upon me causing pain.

Why I am so? Some times I do ask myself but then no answer can be found so instead leave it aside and close the mind and it’s current thought process and try to focus on something g which will drive me away from the pain and the nightmare I am living through.

Oh, on a lighter note, I like to remind me one thing always when I cross this thought, that mine is (was?)a true love and that is why I am walking through my worst nightmare. One day will surely come (a bleak hope) when my love will smile back at me (just for me). I will be the only one (oh so gravely I wish) who will have het place back.

Designing Your Life

“There’s a science to planning

Your life well.”    

          The most Important lesson of the life now a days is to design our lives which highlights the need of concern for our personal being rather then materialistic desires. All we need is a right approach to design our lives. We should be living the lives with as much little stress as possible to start designing our future. All the specific variables of our goals should be aligned so that they fit in properly. And our motive should be intentional rather then ideas of instable mind because we cannot change anything which has been done but of course our future is something we can make according to our choice and that’s where the beauty of planning lies.

Goal – Centric Questions.

We should be asking ourselves a question that how we want to live our life from this day onwards. That is we should be in charge of our life in every walk may it be work or personal. Be it health regarding question or relation. The more specific the question the more concrete the path to change. The lifestyle we are living today has made us a mechanical being who is programmed according to the set of rules and is running round the clock without pausing or getting bit of personal time. Always a tic toc of time buzzing to finish off everything before the deadline. In this kind of scenario, one must have a designing tool kit handy to bring a change a positive one. We need to decide which direction we want to go rather then being in a herd, running to one direction blindfolded. The focusing areas must be made clear and one should be cautious and passionate about them. Author Jen Sincero opines that if you want to live a life you’ve never lived, you have have to do things you’ve never done.

Easy To Apply Changes.

The life plan must be implemented with easy experiments, where we do things to approach our goals. It is critical but worth giving a try on daily basis, until it becomes a routine. A regular journaling practice can be a good and easy approach to do so. Anything, from a short walk in nature to coffee shop or park bench would do. Take out as little as 10 to 15 minutes a day and think over what all has occurred in our life and what measures we taken or will take to handle it.

Building Strong Mind Not Bank Balance.

We don’t know when or how many times our life is going to give us a jolt. Life is like a roller costar ride, who knows when we are upside down or simply thrown out of balance. A mind is always on a constant move through the different sort of thoughts. Thus, having a mental tool kit to fix the mood swings or the lows of life, as and when required, to move on, is a necessity. The situation requires us to build a strong mind so that we can go through such unstable situation swiftly and be stable. This requires the strong mind and the bank balance. Practicing all this we should not forget the chaos daily routine and small work needing our attention, make. Measures to minimize their negative impact on our moods should be taken. Once these petty tensions are taken care of, we get plenty of time to concentrate properly on the long term goals of our life, which are far more easy to achieve.

 

 

My thoughts and laundry.

In my small living room or should I call it an open space just outside the room, in a corner I have kept a place for the laundry when I take it off the wire when it’s dried. 

I keep piling it as long as I can. I mean I just don’t have the heart to fold them neatly and keep them in the respective place. Call me a lazy person or whatever you may like but I can’t do it. Though I tried many times but after doing it once I am back to ground zero. It starts piling up again. I know it looks ugly but then it’s hidden from everyone’s eyes. Only I see it as it’s in my approach. And one day when it can no longer take the burden of clothes the heap starts falling down then I try to tuck them up and it doesn’t help instead creates extra work for me. So without any wish to sort that mess out I have to put them in their respective place which gives me tension and I do it so disgracefully that it looks so unorganised in my cupboard. In my hubby’s and kids cupboard it’s all managed because for them I have to keep it neat and cleanly organised but when it comes to my clothes I am always clumsy and mismanaged. 

Today a thought striked me that same goes with my thoughts too. They keep on building up in my mind and I keep storing them. It’s not that I don’t want to express them but have no heart or guts.  I don’t know why whenever I think to write or say them my mind stops me from doing so. They keep piling in my head, the thoughts of all kind and nature. It feels so stuffy in there that I start suffocating of my own thoughts.  I did try many a times to sort them out but I am always confused, worried, anxious and so much more.

When I try to write them down the mind is in such a rush that it is not properly organised and what I write I myself don’t understand. But at least I am free of burden and for a while I feel free and light. But this feeling is not for long my thoughts start storing up again as I am so clumsy and anxious to sort them out. I feel concious to express and besides it feels better that they should stay in my mind where no one can read, feel or understand or misunderstand them and thus no pain, all locked up sagely no matter how? But then it again starts suffocating again and I have to force myself to express them, in any manner and in any condition whether sorted and organised properly or not. It comes down on the pages of my diary or the screen, and stored. Now a days I even burden you people out with the over flow of the thoughts.

Whatever I do, how much I write and express…I come to ground zero every time with more of the thoughts forming up in mind. Some are beautiful,some are pitiable and some are full of anger. Hope I am able to hide some of the ugliness of my mind and thoughts when I put them on display. Here I go anxious again and blabbering out something or the other. The vicious cycle of thoughts downloading and uploading keeps on going and my mind keeps cherning but not pouring out outcome of this.

I take your leave or else will keep on going on like this may be for eternity or at least as long as it takes my mind to be empty.

Image: whisper

I have the ending…

Once again I am staring blankly at the paper as like usual I have the ending for my post, and just now popped two lines in my head that may go for the begining of the post. But in between there is a vast space lying empty to be filled in as if fitting pieces of any puzzle. Hope to get something soon as I have to be ready with the post by next week and in the mid of this week I will be out of station. I am just dumb stuck.

Having the endings all the time, may not be the good idea I suppose. I should think of begining first, sometimes. It might get me help and boost my thought process for coming up with the complete posts speedily. Otherwise it’s like having many thoughts kept in a pouch and taking out blindfolded one by one and adjusting them accordingly after putting them on the paper.

I guess this way helps me when I have lot of time or when there is nothing in specific to write about. Scratching my head is giving me burning sensation but not the point to go forward with, I mean as soon as I want to. It’s going by the snail speed. And the topic is bit  on fusing,  still hope that I will be able to come up with something readable and post able by the end of the week. 

Seeing my regular posts I think I should keep that post also a short one, not exceeding 750 words, may be in that way I can compose something meaningful. Crossing my fingers I put the dot here and start that one by organising my shuffled thoughts.

Catering hope.

When I am at my lowest I just want to get  and spring to the top most level possible but somehow there is this feeling that keeps nagging me and pulling me down to the dark pot hole where I can see nothing but my loneliness. I want to put some doors and windows in that room where there is nothing but a hollowness and vacuum and I keep floating g and banging here and there in my trials of getting our of there. But I and sure one day I will be and mile to drill a hole in that wall and get some fresh air and life. 

There are some days out there when some miracle happens and I find myself standing out of that  pithole feeling the fresh air on my face. Seeing all the colors of rainbow and smell all the scent of flowers in the garden. I see the butterflies and bees suckling nectar from the flowers, breeze making the trees dance and bow. Everything that nature has to offer to show it’s grandeur, I experience 3 very thing.  I feel life and the live wire running through my veins. I become alive. I forget or keep aside the cause for sadness and don’t even think about it when I am out of the pit. It’s th mere mention of it that my clear blue sky with rainbow turns to grey and becomes stormy.
I have no control over it  as I don’t have over sunny days but I am hopeful that one day I am gonna stay out of it for always, won’t have to return there ever, or will be able to put it behind and dance to my own tunes. I know it won’t ever go, it is there to stay and show up some how here and there, now and then but then also I might gain power to put it behind my mind and keep myself busy with so many otherthings such as happiness in small virtues, laughter in every second, hope in every thing I do, love in every word I write.

Excitement and enthusiasm I put from my side now, but then it will come from nowhere and will pull me towards it and will keep me on my toes. I am waiting for those days. I know prick of the pain will always be there but I will be able to cover it with smile and ignore it. I have started to confront pain with happiness so I keep my fingers crossed…

My experience 

I don’t know what to say but there is something wrong with me. I mean it’s what I am experiencing from yesterday evening. The moment I have finished the story I was writing from past 3 or 4 days has not left my mind. The plot….I am still getting the glimpses of what I imagined…the backdrop, the manssion where the whole story was based, the rooms, the door and the gallery etc. etc. It haunts me I think. Whenever I remember or think of any incident I find myself stuck in the horrid place. It’s just not ready to leave me think, may be my first brain child is not leaving Mama’s memory.

The joke is that it is reeling in my mind like a film that I have seen recently. And above that I, myself am, getting the feel that the glimpses are part of any film as they are so clear and afresh. Impact is such that I am bit scared not only of the story but of the situation itself. I don’t know how long I will face it, though I have stopped thinking about it. I think I am not going to write any horror anymore. But I don’t know why it’s happening this time as once before I tried my hand on script for a horror movie but the basic idea was not mine and I don’t think I took it so seriously. Well, whatever the matter, I was not bothered after I put the pen down and was free but this time it’s different. To get rid of it I have picked up writing another topic immidiately this time otherwise I give 1 day break at least.

I think this time some chemical imbalance has taken place. It’s horrific to feel all those scary incidents again playing in my mind specially when I am alone. I keep looking at things repeatedly or keep turning back to check over my shoulder and looking g into the spaces for shadows or something that could be on move and is see through, taking shapes, floating and staring without having eyes or even face and is grinning.

Now, here I go again…With all those  vivid images of my imagination. So I think I must stop writing. Will change the subject for next post, just to forget it all. Back to back I am writing to get rid of that story etched in my mind so impressively.

Follow Your Heart

follow your heart

chase your dreams

life is too short

to ponder on

‘coz dreams are the fabric

happiness is made of

in the end

happiness is what

we’re looking for

in this life….

 

if you love something,

your passion is what

drives it to you,

nature is at its best

uniting you with your love,

mind is always behind logics

and logics aren’t always the way to happiness,

happiness is what

we’re looking for

in this life….

 

 

Dead inside.

Nothing is as bad as broken heart. Pain seems to subside but the bleeding continues inside. The hurt no one can see the pain no one can feel, but the one who suffers. Sometimes the scene is so bad when you cannot express your condition and can’t cope with it either, people on the outer front either don’t get what’s going on or they think we are just faking. Some people go to limits where they say shrug off your sadness change your mood and smile it will be OK soon as this all pain and sadness is in your mind. Be strong, have positive thoughts and don’t linger on, on what should be let go off are the nice advices we get, but I wish this could be so easy that by mare a shake of head everything could be  gone, disappear into the thin air.

The moment eyes are closed their voice admitting their act of cheat and everything else is clearly audible. The mind at that time becomes a record player which keeps on playing and re – playing the scenes from the bitter reality. It’s like heart trying to forget and mind refusing to do so. Sleep for us is a way to escape from the brutal reality but there also we find no peace. If only this sleep could turn into a never ending episode,  so there would be no need to wake up and run from all those thoughts of heart ache and pain. All day in wakeful hours what we do is try to keep all those thoughts at bay by indulging in something or the other. But the moment we stop to breathe the same thoughts crop up. All the pain taken to forget goes in vain.

There are times when it seems we are normal, to others of course,  but in actual we are just hiding behind a mask which we have put on, so no one is bothered or try to bother us because some times people do listen to our problem but they do not understand. They just hear but don’t get the point. This hurts more. To fake a smile to hide the tears and escape the bothering

seems far more easy rather than explaining people what we are going through which they actually don’t understand. Those are the times when I really feel dealing with physical pain is far better than dealing with emotional pain.

The mind plays so many games with you that you just can’t bear the situation. There are many times when you want to share your pain or just let your thoughts out but the mind tricks you in such a beautiful way that you are always standing alone still figuring out what to do with the idea of sharing. Basically you are standing on a two way path completely confused not able to make out whether to tell and feel relief or to be quiet and just don’t bother others with your problems as anyhow they won’t understand. You will find yourself always standing on that two way road, not moving an inch here or there. After sometime the opertunity will pass or you yourself feel that now telling anyone of it will be of no use. Again whenever you have something to speak out your mind will confuse you, in other words will not let you speak and then you find yourself standing again on the same point. It seems like you are frozen in time. Heart and mind are on fight continuously. Where heart want to trust mind differs and where mind puts it’s trust heart has its share of disbelief. Not only this but in the lone hours person himself is in war in the lonely dark places of mind. It’s like you’ve been closed and left loose in pitch dark room without any clearity and you are bombarding your head. This happens mostly in the nights when you are alone to yourself and everyone else is asleep. Even if you have the company of your love then also it hardly matters. The moment you close your eyes you are dropped in front of hungry tigers and lions. And then the battle begins, a bloody battle where no blood comes, no scars are visible, but you are totally defeated and worn out the next day when you wake up. It’s the time when you don’t want to wake up, don’t want to do anything, but drag out yourself from the bed every morning. Then the other horror starts when you realise that you still remember every single bit that you wanted to forget and in that fight to forget and remember you forget only what you wanted to remember and remember what you wanted to forget.  This is how the mind and the person keep on fighting for the person they are no more and have no connection either. The heart in this process dies. But it dies a very slow death moment by moment day by day shedding all the hopes like dead leaves from a tree and when none is left there remains a big void a numbness. Nothing else remains. I have heard they say hope is the last thing a person does before they are defeated. And my personal feeling is similar to it, don’t take away someone’s hope they might have only a hope to cling to, for surviving. The moment it’s gone the person becomes a living dead which is more horrible then death itself.

I have come to a conclusion that pretending is far better then explaining. And keeping your pain to yourself is easier. There are times when thought of moving on and letting go comes, but the very moment it comes a cold shiver shakes the whole body and it becomes very hard to do so. But there will be a day when nothing would be able to stop, a day when inner self will be completely dead. No hurt no pain will be left. May the strength be showered upon.

There is so much to say and so much to explore inside hurting self but right now is the time to take a break.