My observation of ‘Almost’.

The saddest word according to Nikita Gill in the world is ‘ Almost ‘ and I cannot be more than agree with her. It is like reaching the finishing point and just before touching it, falling down to ground and see others cross it while you struggling to get up.

It’s high time when you realise that life is getting over while all the way you were thinking that it has just started. It’s the view point of our mind that how we perceive anything because The body almost bares anything, it’s the mind which we have to convince. And sometimes it’s really hard to do so.

This word ‘almost’ implies in every area of our life. May it be love, work, relations, dreams, hate or life on the whole, itself. For love is almost not a simple feeling, but a very complicated one. You’re in it now and a out the next moment and just don’t want to see ex ‘ s face. A friend is almost a foe when you  cross your line with them. Same goes for the work life too, ‘those who don’t manage their money, will almost always work for those who do’ according to this quote one is almost his own boss. The information about the money management is almost as important as the money itself. 

In almost the end of my topic I would like to say one or two positive thoughts on ‘almost’ and that goes like this, if we do not give up we almost reach the the point in no time. Hanging on To anything is the key to success. It’s the almost the point where turn of chance takes place. Secondly, every person who is successful or has been, started with almost two beliefs that either future is better then present or he has the power to do so. I almost believe in all these and hope everyone does. At least in the positive ones. The best one I want to believe in is the ability of time to heal almost everything, just we should have the patience and the miracle will take place.
For daily prompt.

Sorry.

Life is nothing but a bubble of air. For me it is more of a storm, a strong wind and a striking thunder. Never thought I will be saying so after these many years of living life in carefree style. 

It has given me more than it took or should I say the visa verse of the whole situation? Strange, right? I am confused about my own life and the situation. May be many laugh about this condition of mine but I can’t help it as it’s truth. I am not able to change the reality. If I could, I would have done ages ago. Or at least when I desperately wanted to do so. 

Pain is one thing that is keeping me alive or should I say giving me the feel of being alive or else I was dead years ago. It’s pain that tells me that I can still feel, tears crawl down cheeks at mere mention of word pain. Sometimes it’s like I want to cut out my heart away to just not to feel the pain. But then I have seen the day’s when I was numb, had no emotions, nothing at all, to call myself alive. But it was for pain that didn’t leave my side and holded on to me and brought me back to feelings. 

I know it’s very hard to imagine all this but I’ve been there and done that. So I can say yes it’s hard but not impossible. Though I may live with pain forever now but at least I can feel, at least trust with all my doubts held in there. It’s better to trust some how rather than being empty and dead inside. 

Still sometimes I feel empty and dead but who cares? Literally no one. Not even the one who swears by my breath. Then comes a time when I myself start disbelieving myself and take least care of my emotional condition. And believe me that is the most pitied condition I ever face in life. And that is the time when I just don’t care for my life or even the ones whom I hold near aand dear to my heart. It’s the maximum height of self detachment when I try or think to take my own life. Or sometimes I keep thinking how good it would be if something claims my life. I know it’s the biggest cowardly thing I do but then it’s all is not in my hand. It’s all there in my mind, in the chemical imbalance of the mind. I am trying to tame it or say control it, through whatever way it’s possible. 

But would like to mention one last but not the least thing that I am going through the living hell. The reason for all my downfall is to stay with me whole life, and there is no hope of it getting lost. I breathe it, it’s in my veins and above all I live it. Daily 24/7 365 days I have to live with it. Still I am trying to fight my way back to at least live with a simple smile if not carefree days back in my life.

A cozy winter morning.

Bed….quilt…wrapped in that, me. With a mug of steaming coffee in my hand. The music channel is playing my favourite number, and I am reading some intresting piece of news. Oh! the winter morning cannot be more Cozy than this. 

It’s almost 15 minutes past 8 and I am still in bed with the warmth of quilt surrounding me and the coffee leaves it’s hot trail while I gulp it down. My eyes glued on to the news paper, I stretch a bit and let my hair down. Then I pick up the phone to go through my messages and mails. After that I check for new posts on my reader and reply or message to fellow bloggers. When done with the tab ‘Bible’ I put it down and come out of the quilt, leaving  the cozy warmth of it. It’s half past 8, by now and I know it’s still not late for the breakfast as s children are having their winter breaks and no one except my hubby is up yet, who also is in gym. So I go down and into the kitchen. Making breakfast and preparing for early lunch. 

My in laws are leaving for temple and are taking children with them, so I hurry up and bathe the kids and get them ready for the same. By the time they leave, my hubby returns so after the four of them leave, ne and my hubby sit down for breakfast. 

It was so comfy in the living room, with sunlight coming through balcony and hot ‘onion parathas’ with curd and coffee to wind up the breakfast. I switched the chennel from music to movies with Jackie Chan’s Tuxedo playing.

Then after preparing lunch, back in my bedroom with my ‘ Bible’ I get lost in the world of words. Today I am attracted to quotations, of all sorts. But now a days I don’t know why I like more of the moving on ones instead of hanging on or holding ons. I even was thinking to write a complete post on one of them but then thought better of it. May be some other day some other time I will write the quotation post and may be in some other manner. But now, bye till then.

Pic. Courtesy 

Featured image: Pintrest 

Poet's Corner

Pain is what thrives in my veins

Love is what keeps me alive

You may betray me many times

I will love you all my life

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I found a best friend not a Lover.

What I wanted in life … was nothing more than a satisfied life. A life filled with love and care. A  best friend in husband. A one with whom I can laugh, sing and dance without thinking for any reason. With whom could live my simplest dreams. One with whom I would love to cook dinner or make cakes and coffee. Share some lovey dovey nothings in the evening, leaning on his shoulder and he playing with my hair. A person whom I could tell everything and anything. Could joke and laugh at. Could go to movies and eat popcorn. Sometime enjoy paani puri or any street food. Make him dance to my tunes, dancing on his tunes already. If I had any problem could tell him without any second thoughts or if he was tensed could lend him ear and if possible help him out. Would go out in evenings alongside the lake or morning walks. Would love to sink in his deep eyes and loose myself in his smiles. Would love to go on adventures with and on long tours where we taste the local food togather, night drives. Would loved to take a stroll on the beach holding his hand.

Though we have the whole life together I would want him to miss me the next moment I move out of room as I would miss him the very second I leave to start my day, keeping the warmth of his pure love. I would want to see him trying out new things, risking his job to fulfil his passion. I would love to spend my weekends lying cozily at home watching our favrioute movies munching at snacks and food ordered from restaurant. Even movie outings and some resorts or dinner dates would be lovely with him. 

In the early mornings when we are waking up I want to lay awake beside him and tickling him, talking of sweet nothings or his future plans for us or his career. I love to put love notes hidden in his cupboard for him to discover and write long love letters and emails. Sometimes some favourite lines of a song messaged to him so he can feel my love and think about me and give a smile just to puzzle everyone, what’s on his mind.

There would be times when we may not agree on one point and have argument, or small love fights. I push him away to be recollected in his arms and if the argument grows going to bed without speaking a word to eachother but when we wake up in the morning, everything washed out of our mind and only compassion resides for each other. In whose company I can cry my ugliest and still feel beautiful. Want to celebrate good times and grieve the bad ones togather. In the arms of whom I feel safe and secure and open my heart to, talk as much without thinking before opening my mouth. The comfort level that can be shared with only best friend.

This all would have been so magical, if only it was possible. A friend is always better than a lover. There is no other relationship like friendship. And what’s better than finding that one relationship in your life partner. The best life one could have. No jealousy, no competition, only happiness and compassion. A friend and love roled togather in one, I always looked for that kind of person to spend my life with. Spend my days in carefree manner surrounded with all that the life could offer me. A life lived to fullest is dream life, seems so easy and simple, but at the end it’s Life spelt in bold. It has some of its own flaws but then it’s beautiful as it’s ONLY one thing we cannot relive. So I have found My Man, Best Friend and a Lover all roled into one…My Hubby darling. He is the best life could offer me. I fell in love, am in love and will stay in love with my bestest friend ever. With him I share my soul, that is what the closeness with him means to me.

Way back to home!

One late evening,time must be round about 6.30 or 7.00 p.m. We were returning back from dance class. The routine route had a road work going on so the route diversion was a necessity. This new route was a crisscross network of narrow roads between the colonies.

As it’s winter season the dark falls early and the roads get quiet too. One or two vehicles or pedestrians, we’re visible on the road. Half the shops were shut and the ones which were open had no customers. 

The lamposts are on large gaps. So the road was partially lighted. The wind was blowing with little buzzing sound. The trees on the roadside played sort of rough hushed music. 

We must have crossed half way when I had to take left for home, on the turn there is a semi constructed building, lying in same condition from last year and a half,  it has some ie about it. It’s always dark in and around that particular building and the adjective one is always lit. But this one on giving a side glance always gives shivers as it’s bit shaggy around it. And too lonely.  After crossing this patch and moving a 100 mts ahead on the opposite side lies another such building standing in the ground which is empty and is home to trees, shrubs and hedges.while we were crossing this patch the breeze became more cool and chilled. The sound of the fallen leaves was like someone was walking over them. I was startled and looked in that direction through the corner of my eyes. The shadows on the wall of the building were like someone stood there so I gave a sudden look and found that it was nothing but a shrub bending in such a way.

I drove ahead and turned into a narrow road. Driving for about 100 mts. in the dark, stood a figure very still like statue. At least in the meager light of the bike it appeared so. Then as I passed it, it jumped aside! It was actually a drunkard man trying to figure out which way to go. Then rest of the way passed in silence, partial darkness and cool and freezing wind trying to say something in the ear. But all this was till I reached the last turn, half a km before home, when  suddenly a black cat jumped out of nowhere in the darkness into the spotlight of the bike and ran away. I applied breaks which made a screeching sound and took a deep breath then moved on. Just out side the main entrance of our apartment thee is a small room like place build for gatekeeper which has never been used. There is some shabby growth of plants and shrubs and there is no light in that particular section so when we reached there and were about to turn in the drive way the sudden movement of shadows, due to bleak light coming from a distant street light, felt that some one is about to jump out of the dark corner. I speeded up the bike and raced directly into the cellar parking, where finally the lighting was proper. Parked the bike, took hold of frightened children and raced to the lift. While lift came down it made a screeching sound and holed with a jolt. In the lift I pressed the button to my floor and it started with the same jolt throwing us up in the air for about fraction of a second. But at last we were safely home.

What should I do?

Hey should I be writing about my fight with my inner demons or not? Because it’s again rising my anxiety levels, my hurt and making me depressive. To think about the reason again and again to write down how I deal, it’s compelling me to let it take over again. What should I do? I think I am not yet ready or shall I fight with this also and keep writing? 

I don’t know what’s right at the moment. If I ask their answer will be I am making up or just overreacting it’s nothing at all. So instead of asking someone who is not an aware of the pain I am asking people who have seen this height of agony and pain or who still are living with it just like me. Trying to control it. 

Though I am able to breathe if I am not thinking about it or if I am writing something and indulge myself in some of my hobbies, though I have lost the intrest in all my hobbies and intrest but just to keep myself alive and thriving and forget the pain, I am trying to rekindle my intrest. But the moment my mind is off from all these things I am back at ground 0, facing the same darkness from which I keep running. Then my mind urges to die!

Memorising a thought.

I read that we should sleep with a pen and diary beside our pillow because we get best ideas when we are sleeping or in he awe hours of the morning, to write them down so that we don’t forget them. In the begining I thought it must be for big writers and authors, but then I realised it’s for people like me, who are budding or new writers, too.

Sometimes I think of doing so but then it might disturb my hubby and children. Or my hubby might get fright attack that what the hell happened to me that suddenly I woke up and Scribbling down something. Even if I tell him that what the matter is, he will be much concerned about my health, as I will deprive myself of proper sleep which will affect me and my work. So his loving advice will be, to sleep at the moment and write whatever and how much I want to in the morning our in my writing time.

So what I do is when I get the idea or any point, I keep thinking about it over and over again So I won’t forget. And at the time of writing I develop that point as and when required. Sometimes I miss out some of it or sometimes the whole idea comes with a total change. But whatever, it turns out to be good. 

Some days back some lines of a poetry struck me at the time of sleep and when I finally got the time to write it down, I missed the second line but then some how managed to replace that with new line and the impact of it on the whole poem was good. It ended very well. 

No, I am not suggesting the replacement of pen and paper by bedside but just telling my experience. Sometimes it may also work. I think. May be for me alone or if you try for you to, at least in the emergency when paper or pen or both are not in reach. 

500 likes!

I know that it’s not a big thing for many out there but for me it’s an achievement hard earned, so I am thankful to all the readers and writers who supported me and encouraged me. Though it was couple of days ago but it took time for me to believe it and secondly I was gathering courage to write thankyou note for all of you because I was not sure how all will react or what they will think of me for feeling so great for it. But then I finally convinced myself that for me it is great thing to be accepted by so many people and thus showing gratitude is what is correct on my part. In fact it is well required action. So once again to all readers and writers out in the blogsphere I am thankful and hope to get their support and encouragement in the future also.

Winters !

Once when life was so simple that only love was Required to lead your life. I used to live in that era, untill that happened what was not even imagined in the dreams, the simple life, the so called Love rules all were thrashed and I was left alone to die gasping for the air. I, once was so suffocated and squeezed into myself that could not imagine  my life possible in that way. 

But now I am still alive thriving for getting back at the life. But there is something missing though.  May be the trust or the carefreeness. I don’t know what is missing but the joy, the feel all are gone. The moments my heart and soul owned and cherished thinking my own treasure have changed into something which I only have no assess to. It’s for everyone to enjoy and take memories back home. 

The sunshine I used to bathe in and bask in the warmth has turned to cold wintery morning and the grey skies have turned off the sunshine. It was then that I realised that love is just like winter, not only beautiful and warm but also cruel and cold. This winter I am the most lonely person, sipping on my coffee and sitting alone to see the sunrise. The red strawberry kissing the sky and then giving me a thought to ponder on, that hot coffee and winter morning are two of the best soul mates who, ever met. May be we are same. Same in many senses. The bitter sweet but strong aroma that gives strength to our relation. We tried to pull away and stretched our strings so hard that at point it seemed to break off  but then the love within covered all. Even the marks washed away and everything seemed nice. May it is and may be it also meant to be like this because without the winters the value of spring is lost. 

We have our seasons of winter and spring. I know what has been done cannot be changed nor it can be accepted but then nothing can be done either. The nature goes on in its own cycle. The earth bares the pain and the sweet smelling flowers too.