Social Anxiety

I am trying to fight myself. You may wonder, what the heck does that mean? So, before you call me crazy, I’ll clear your doubts. Actually, I suffer from social anxiety. It is like a childhood friend to me. It never left me alone. Never let me wander in the company of other children for long and being social, is an unfulfilled dream.
I missed out on so many things during my growing years. I wanted to do so much but could not pursue. Now when I see young children doing what once I wanted to do or dreamt of doing, I feel at loss. Now sometimes I think, what if I had ignored the feeling and carried on with what I wanted to do? I could have learnt something I love. DId so many things which I regret not doing, now.
Even still one year back, I missed upon enjoying the parties and the merrymaking. But this year it was something different. On the First of Jan. something happened which changed a lot of things for me. First is, I got the approval from publishers, then everything fell in place. Secondly, I am getting a lot of support from my husband. And what is giving me high, is that I learned dance moves and that too without feeling shy for a party. Then performed without hesitation. In fact,I was waiting for my chance. I didn’t feel shy. The audience didn’t give me jitters; I saw and felt only my husband and his company.
I feel now I can do some of the things I missed earlier. Recently, my daughter joined a dance class; and I think I can learn too. There is a gym, in the same building I can join that also. Or join some new class. I want to start driving the car again. And have joined some online writing clubs which hold meetups. I look forward to them and the library meetups, where I can learn something new and talk whatever I have in my mind. This is a totally new experience for me. It’s like I want to spread my colourful wings and explore the world around me.
My social anxiety does exist because I have a feeling that my mind tells me something else then what my heart wants. But I am trying to show a brave face, this time. I still have to face the part where I have to meet my relatives, strangers and have to stay a night away from my home. Attending some family function is the deadliest dream. Ordering something over the phone or talking to hotel reception or room service, going to a salon kills me. I feel anxious while talking over the phone in front of my hubby. Still, have to conquer these. I don’t know, I mean I don’t want it to happen or maybe my mind tells me to wish for this. Whatever at present I want to enjoy the moment I am in.
I wish this feeling to stay on. Even if I have to put on a mask to feel that way I would do it.

In Love

It was a beautiful day, bright sunny, cool breeze. I was sitting in my portico, having coffee. Besides me, on the side table, my little friend was sleeping in his cage. I have a white as snow baby rabbit who has red eyes. I thought it was a casual nap for him but started to worry as his normal time was over long ago but he did not wake-up. I opened his cage to see what was wrong. My heart thudding loud. As I touched, he wriggled. I took a breath, took him in arms and went inside. I laid him on a small carpet, particularly kept for him. Rabbit took a round of the room very slowly. It came back to the carpet and sniffed the green grass and carrot pieces I kept for him. I thought he was fine now.
I left to get ready for office. I dressed up in blue denim and a white tee, wore my sneakers as it was Friday and most MNCs allow casuals. Took my bag and car keys. I skipped my breakfast as I was late. I rode on high speed to reach office. Though I was still worried about my rabbit, yet hoped everything would be fine back home. I swiped ID card at the entry. ” Hey, you look tensed,” Reena asked from the reception. ” Who me? No, everything’s fine” I replied. I went through the day’s schedule and was done with most of it by lunch. I had no breakfast so was hungry. I hogged upon my lunch as if was starved for days. Stuffed my mouth with dessert and in last drank a cup of coffee. One hour later I was back at my seat. Staring at the screen I sat there but my mind was still at home, captured at the moment when I hold my little friend in my hands. I could not carry on like this any longer. So, asked for a half day off on the basis of not feeling well.
As I neared home my heart sank. It was kind of gut feeling but I hoped against all the odds for everything to be all right. The moment I entered home, I first looked for my `pal.’ He was lying in the exact place where I left him in the morning. My heart sank. I had no strength in my legs to move forward neither had a will to do so. I was about to drop dead in my place when I saw a little movement in his tiny body. I ran towards him. The moment I touched him, his eyes opened wide. He looked at me with pleading eyes to save him. The pain and suffering in his eyes broke me. I felt so helpless and worthless in that one moment.

“Thud!” Sound from the kitchen. I gave a startled look. Got up holding my pal in arms and moved towards the kitchen. What I found there was heart stopping. There was someone in black hooded gown facing electric kettle, placed on the kitchenette platform. I was stunned to see scythe placed against the fridge. In horror, I released a sigh. On the sound person turned and what I saw was breathtaking. A beautiful, innocent and charming girl. ” Hi!” she said in a calm and easy way. “Hello. Who are you? and what are you doing in my kitchen?” I asked in one breath. “Oh that,” she paused and then continued “I came here for your little `Pal’ and pointed towards my rabbit sleeping in my arms. She offered me a cup of coffee which she made. “Don’t you think it’s a bit horrifying that you The Grim Reaper, made coffee in my kitchen and offered me a cup?” I asked in horror. “Don’t freak out, please.” Her sweet and calm voice echoed.” What will it cost to get him free, from your claws?” I offered her. The green eyes became darker than any black eye I had ever seen. She said, “Stop pleading.” I gathered strength, went near her, hold her free hand and looked deep into her eyes and said ” Will you be mine…Oh! Oh, I mean apart from rabbit I have no one and I need someone to lend me moral support.” She stared me with wide open eyes. Her beautiful eyes became more beautiful. She looked confused, then said “Ok. I will leave your friend but stop looking at me like this.” “Still I want you to be my friend.” Shocked at my own words, I released her hand and inched away from her. She kept the coffee mug on the table, picked her scythe and thumped it hard on the floor. “BOOM!” And she was gone.
I checked up on my little pal, he looked fine. I gave him some carrot pieces to eat. Came back to the portico and sat on the chair looking on the road. But my thoughts were occupied by The Grim Reaper. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. My heart beat like it was in a marathon. I remembered that she came here for my rabbit but returned empty handed. ” What if she returned the moment I came out?” I thought. I went back in, to find him jumping around like usual. I kept some ready to eat a meal in the microwave, for dinner. Ate it alone as usual. Sat in front of the T.V. to watch finals of T-20. There was a sudden thud in the backyard., I took the kitchen back door to let me out. I was amazed at first but then sad to find her back. I was determined not to give in. She went to the rabbit and I followed her. “No! You can’t take him.” I told her. It is known that if The Reaper is seen by someone, it’s not whose turn, The Reaper has to fulfil the wish of the person.” Ask for something else. This can’t be done.” She said. I was lost in her tinkling voice. She started to move to my little friend. “Oh-Oh! wait. I said you can’t take him or take me first.” I told her. ” No. Not even in your dreams.” She replied. ” Fine, then say you are breaking your own law.” With a broad grin on my face, I said. She moved away from the rabbit, put her scythe aside, sat on the ground, buried her face in her knees and for five minutes she sat like that. Then stood up and paced in the room, came near me, went back to the kitchen made coffee for the second time in the day but this time two mugs. Came out offered me one and sipped from another. “It cannot happen.” Finally, she said. Then continued to enjoy her coffee. “Well, then be mine.” I finally broke the silence. She looked at me in horror. The first time The Grim Reaper felt what fear was. I moved closer and took her hand. She was as cold as ice, for the first time she trembled and took a step back. I felt an urge to hug her forgetting who she was. ” Shall we…” she swallowed hard and continued ” make the last attempt?” ” No this is the final one.” I made it plain and added, ” It’s okay, you don’t have to love me.” She stared me in confusion. ” Be mine forever. As for love, I will love you till eternity and have faith in miracles.” I moved closer and lifted her hand to my lips and placed a peck on the back of her palm. That was the first time I saw her lifeless eyes shine for the first time for a few seconds. I moved even closer and placed my other hand at the back of her head and pulled her head gently towards me and rested it on my chest. My heart was beating like crazy. She tried to adjust her head in a more comfortable way. I slowly pulled her hood down. And her black silky curls fall down around her neck. She looked more beautiful. I gasped at her beauty. She sighed and moved back turning her face away.
” I never thought in my wildest dream that The Reaper will be a girl and I will lose my heart to her,”I said and again reached out for her hand and pulled her back to me. This time I hugged her gently then released her and waited for her answer. She took a little longer than expected. ” Won’t you have a problem with who I am and what I do? Because this is my Reality.” Now it was my turn to evaluate my feelings and digging my mind for about a few minutes,” NO, actually I love the fact who you are and what you do. She sighed in relief and traced her steps back to me. Encircled her arms around me, looked into my eyes and said, ” I can’t guarantee love now or ever but a good loyal friend, yes.” ” We have a lifetime, at least mine if not yours, to wait for your love. And I will wait with the whole heart and open arms.” I assured her. She smiled and left.
I went to bed with thoughts of her and the eternal love I’ll have. Next day I had to meet a friend from college days. Gave some carrot pieces and grass to rabbit and wrote a note for her saying to be gentle with my little friend, if in case she decides to break in my home in my absence. I poured some milk and cereals in a bowl, a glass of juice and some cookies for myself. I was going through newspaper when something caught my attention. I had a cookie in my hand and there was something written on it, which I didn’t see before. I looked at the box of cookie in case it was any other brand. But no it was same, so I checked for other cookies on my plate and they all had something written on them. When I placed them together, it formed a message” See you in the evening.” from her.

My book is available online now.

Hi everyone.

I actually want to shout loudly, like crazy at this moment as my book is finally online. It is published. Like actually published. From past three years I’ve been working on it and you all are witness of my growth. Today is the day for which I prayed and you all blessed me.

Here I am sharing the links…if any one is generois enough to provide me with the review…or any sort of interaction I would love it.

Fighting With My Inner Demons

My book”s poster

I am so happy to share my books poster with you all. Very soon my dream wil be in my hands in the form of a book. Its because of you all out there who supported me, encouraged me and gave me courage to go ahead. Now I am here with all your blessings and wishes.

It took so much time and strength to go ahead with this project. So many times I broke down in this journey till this poster was released yester day. I don’t know how I will react when I really have the book in my hand but counting on you to be my side.

Thanks to all you beautiful souls ourt there.

Work in progress

These days I am at my brother’s place. Came for summer vaccations. I am enjoying my days here. Nothing much to do, infact nothing. Everything is taken care of by my sister in law and brother.

This gives me a lot of time to read and work upon my new idea. Even collection of new things for my writer’s book. I take time to write something everyday, even if its a single para or charcter development or back story. Sometimes it is for the next scene in the story. It makes writing little faster.

Developing the story from those notes and back stories and hints is interesting. I am loving it. I miss my books here as couldn’t get them due to luggage weight issue but still the online library facility provided by my library, is filling the gap.

I thought of writing a short story in the series of romancing the reaper or the devil. But I am not able to do so, it has developed into good seven chapters and still on, I am getting freaked out.

My story is about The devil falling for a girl and not realising it. Even the girl doesn’t know who he really is. The catch is, The Devil sells his soul to her and loses a bet to her. Rest is in continuation.

I hope it finishes soon so I can share it with you all.

Cover design…isn’t it soooo apt.

Hi to all my well wishers amd friends. Today I am here to share my happiness with you all. This is my first books cover page. Hope you all like it.

This is my first step towards my dream. I know there is a long way to go but I couldnot stop myself from sharing my happiness with tou all. This is small step but very important one. This is what I had in my mind and the designers have beautifully depicted it. This goes with the title and the contant the book has.

Its a great feeling and you all can understand the excitement I feel. Please bless my journey and be there to support and show me the way.

Romancing The Devil.

These days I am obssesed with devil himself. I mean, I am writing devil’secret crush story. He came to take away someone’s soul and finds an innocent girl and makes a deal with the person. There will be a time when The Devil himself will sell his soul to Her. Ending is cooking up in my mind lets see how it turns up.

Before this one, I wrote a short story on a girl’s crush over The Soul Reaper. I am thinking what will be nrxt in this line, after the present story is finished.

But this is for sure that it also will be a sweet romantic one. My mind is running here and there for other topics but I tell it to slow down and first finsih the ome in hand.

The story is shaping up good. I am waiting for the first draft to finish. So that I can do the editing. I am in love with the story. It feels like its a part of my life. But when I put the pen down I feel lost for a while. It takes some time to absorb the reality. Believe me I am happy writing it, so it is turning into a novella instead of short story.

If everything goes well I will share with you all. But beforw that I would like to share a good news with my WP family members. My first non fiction self help book on fighting with my mental illness is on its way to be published. Hope you all will shower your blessings on it the way you do on me.

Love you all. Bye for now . Catch you soon.