15 years back…

A village deep in the heart of Uttarakhand.

A mordern littterate family, which was staying out of the village for the job and study purpose, gathered in thw village for their elder son’s marriage. The younger one being the friend of my li’l brother told him the first hand experience of whatI am going to tell you here.

The village had a mother goddess believed to be taking care of all, had to be made certain offerings before conducting the marriage. But the father of the groom being educated and working as a GM in the bighest national bank, did not payed heed to all the beliefs of the traditional villagers, but did something to fullfil the formality. The marriage was performed and the villagers who questioned him, were husshed, the marriage procession came to an end, the party returned home with the new bride. Everyone laughed, ate and dance.

Morning….

…..chaos! Where is she? What happened to her? Was all that could be heard.

Whole house was searched. But she was not to be found. The whole village was searched…ahmm…she was not there even. Her parents turned up and searched their village but she was nowhere to be found either. All the relatives of groom and bride were asked but no, the result was same.

Finally they went to a sage who lived in a cave in the mountains. He said, something we people of mordern age won’t believe or have faith, that mother goddess has taken away the bride as the offerings were not upto the mark and asked the father of groom to look for her at the goddess’ place. The party went to another village where the goddess’ shrine was. They searched the whole village and asked for her at all the possible hideouts but she was not to be found anywhere. Finally the priest of the shrine told them that they should look for her by the side of the river, which is the actual place of power. The party reached at the river but not before the evening they found her by the waterfall in semiconcious condition. They woke heer up and returned home.

The next day at home….she was asked about her disappearing to which she was equally surprised. She didnt remember anything about the last night. How she reached at the fall in the first place, did anyone forced her or carried her or she went byherself? To all this she had only one answer….”I don’t remember, night I slept in my room and didnt wokeup till you all came and woke me up there”.

This still is a mystry but one thing changed that my brother’s friend became a staunch believer since then and his parents asked for forgiveness from the goddess and till now everything is fine.

I don’t know how you people may feel but for me its bit scary and believe me when yesterday my brother told me this incident I was like seriously rhis happens now a days also? I still am horrified a bit.

Why I am not writing ?

The time has passed very past since I started blogging and now I am in a phase where my pain has given a way to numbness, sort of. And I still am trying to figure out what I want?

Basically the idea behind to start the blog was to put out my thoughts in words because they were emergings in such a speed in my mind that I was not able to cope up, plus they were thoughts of hopelessness, so I thought it better to put them out of my mind or else they might have turnedme crazy or lunatic, killed me at most.

But, now the urgency of taking them out has slowed down a bit and plus my hubby bcomes angry seeing them as he feels whatever he is doing for me to take my mind away from the insulting betraying pain he has given me, is useless and wants to stop loving and caring for me finally. So, I have stopped thinking, at all and turned absentminded. I am, sometimes blank, or dumb or even weired.

There are many distractions I am fancying now a days to stop thinking and writing. Till now I didnt know why I am staying away from the blog or why not writing poems or songs even, but while writing this very blogpost I realized what’s the reason behind my not able to write, write anything at all. Because, my words spoke about the pain I feel, the hurt I am going through. Now I know the whole life I am living is just a pretence of happiness and peace. But for the love of children this pretence is nccessary, so I think its better to stay away from what all is going on in my heart, let the mind be unaware of real me for the sake of happiness and smile of my children.

But, tell you what? Its really scary when by chance or mistakenly I take a sneakpeak inside me, like today. The real me is still very furious and hurt, looking ways for forgive herself, to come to terms with the harsh reality of life. Pray for me please, that I stay sane and Live life not spend it. I want to enjoy the chance I’ve got, do not want to waste it as it may be the last and only.