Pic. as I understand it.

Photo by Robert Hickerson via Unsplash

Good combination of gold and silver with little darkness that lies between them. The net gives the impression of tangles of life and the spirals of the wire are the remembeerance ofroler coaster situations in life. The blue sky above is the vast scope of hope that drives the life to go on and fight till its all right.

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15 years back…

A village deep in the heart of Uttarakhand.

A mordern littterate family, which was staying out of the village for the job and study purpose, gathered in thw village for their elder son’s marriage. The younger one being the friend of my li’l brother told him the first hand experience of whatI am going to tell you here.

The village had a mother goddess believed to be taking care of all, had to be made certain offerings before conducting the marriage. But the father of the groom being educated and working as a GM in the bighest national bank, did not payed heed to all the beliefs of the traditional villagers, but did something to fullfil the formality. The marriage was performed and the villagers who questioned him, were husshed, the marriage procession came to an end, the party returned home with the new bride. Everyone laughed, ate and dance.

Morning….

…..chaos! Where is she? What happened to her? Was all that could be heard.

Whole house was searched. But she was not to be found. The whole village was searched…ahmm…she was not there even. Her parents turned up and searched their village but she was nowhere to be found either. All the relatives of groom and bride were asked but no, the result was same.

Finally they went to a sage who lived in a cave in the mountains. He said, something we people of mordern age won’t believe or have faith, that mother goddess has taken away the bride as the offerings were not upto the mark and asked the father of groom to look for her at the goddess’ place. The party went to another village where the goddess’ shrine was. They searched the whole village and asked for her at all the possible hideouts but she was not to be found anywhere. Finally the priest of the shrine told them that they should look for her by the side of the river, which is the actual place of power. The party reached at the river but not before the evening they found her by the waterfall in semiconcious condition. They woke heer up and returned home.

The next day at home….she was asked about her disappearing to which she was equally surprised. She didnt remember anything about the last night. How she reached at the fall in the first place, did anyone forced her or carried her or she went byherself? To all this she had only one answer….”I don’t remember, night I slept in my room and didnt wokeup till you all came and woke me up there”.

This still is a mystry but one thing changed that my brother’s friend became a staunch believer since then and his parents asked for forgiveness from the goddess and till now everything is fine.

I don’t know how you people may feel but for me its bit scary and believe me when yesterday my brother told me this incident I was like seriously rhis happens now a days also? I still am horrified a bit.

Why I am not writing ?

The time has passed very past since I started blogging and now I am in a phase where my pain has given a way to numbness, sort of. And I still am trying to figure out what I want?

Basically the idea behind to start the blog was to put out my thoughts in words because they were emergings in such a speed in my mind that I was not able to cope up, plus they were thoughts of hopelessness, so I thought it better to put them out of my mind or else they might have turnedme crazy or lunatic, killed me at most.

But, now the urgency of taking them out has slowed down a bit and plus my hubby bcomes angry seeing them as he feels whatever he is doing for me to take my mind away from the insulting betraying pain he has given me, is useless and wants to stop loving and caring for me finally. So, I have stopped thinking, at all and turned absentminded. I am, sometimes blank, or dumb or even weired.

There are many distractions I am fancying now a days to stop thinking and writing. Till now I didnt know why I am staying away from the blog or why not writing poems or songs even, but while writing this very blogpost I realized what’s the reason behind my not able to write, write anything at all. Because, my words spoke about the pain I feel, the hurt I am going through. Now I know the whole life I am living is just a pretence of happiness and peace. But for the love of children this pretence is nccessary, so I think its better to stay away from what all is going on in my heart, let the mind be unaware of real me for the sake of happiness and smile of my children.

But, tell you what? Its really scary when by chance or mistakenly I take a sneakpeak inside me, like today. The real me is still very furious and hurt, looking ways for forgive herself, to come to terms with the harsh reality of life. Pray for me please, that I stay sane and Live life not spend it. I want to enjoy the chance I’ve got, do not want to waste it as it may be the last and only.

Random Thoughts

I have stopped touching my evergreen wound in order to let it heal. It’s okay untill I don’t wander in its direction and every thing goes back to ground zero. How hartd I may try, it attacks, or shall I say my minddoes not want me to heal. It has become unhealing sore.

Learning to ignore things is one of the great paths to inner peace…..I have recently learnt and believe it thoroughly. When negative thoughts arise or feelings tend to sadden me, I just simply ignore them. The thoughts which create havoc in my heart and mind, I shift my focusfrom them to the more happy thougths. Sometimes just out of the mere need to speak something to avoid the regretfull events that may follow, I speak totally different from what is going on in my mind, shocking myself and mind both. But believe me, it does pay.

Silence is not empty, it’s full of … Answers!

In my case the silence is full of destructive, negative and sad thoughts. So I don’t sit silent instead I chat with my mind about my book, blog or channel.

I look for answers not in silence but in the chaos of my mind. It (chaotic mind) has lot to offer, from wide range of emotions. I never found anything from silence apart from provoking thoughts of negativity. So, I never keep that ghostly silence creep into my space. I keep chattering or giving exercise to my mind when I find moments of peace. It has helped a lot to pull up my life togather once again after my encounter with the ugly truth of me not being only one for my love.

Believe me your mind can play fatal tricks upon you once it has gone through some dentful events, so keeping your self bisy even in the moments of silence is good rather than let it drool over the random topics, which for sure are dark unlike healthy minds which find answers in silence.

Present situation

I am missing my long sessions with words, especially here on wordpress. I am trying a lot to return to my writing schedule but I don’t know what it is that’s keeping me away from it, whether a writer’s block or some other distraction.

Every now and then I start hoiping to continue but I fail in my attempt. Though I picked up at my book, which I am writing since last year. The first draft is near to completion and I geel overjoyed to share my small achievement with all you out there, that I had sent my synopsis and sample chapter to Olampiya Publishers, London and was called back saying they are intrested to go through my complete manuscript. So I am trying to complete it.

Apart from that I am editing my first 3 videos for my new youtube chennel Telugu Urbex. Though I have to film more often then what I do but there are some personal setbacks which are delaying the shoot and hindering the progress of the channel work.

But whatever the reason may be I have made my mind to have a writing schedule for somedays so that I am back on my track. In this process I may be writing small blogs but will try to be in touch so that no distraction is successful do dither me from my objective and above all from the possitive and encouraging support of wonderful people out here always present to cheerup.

Thank you all of you for being there whenever I need words of encouragement. Keep showing me the path and be the guiding light

Yet Again

I thought of writing over my wounds
to hide them
but then they were so deep and afresh
even to scribble
I moved on in search of peace
to calm the pain
then the mirracle happened
and yet again
I found my peace vested in you
I keep falling
for you again and again

Why I Write.

Somewhere on the net I read ” when you can tell your story and it doesn’t make you cry, you know you have healed” I am waiting for that moment to happen to me, when i can turn back and atleast smile without a tinge of pain, over what I want to tell in the book I am writing, which I actually avoid writing.
I know its not only about me but everyone arround me. Still its a sad and bitter experience for me and I know where I have been due to this and how I have come back, not yet to the mark I was supposed to be but still kicking back at life and trying to heal, from the place where once was and never wanted to come back. I never wanted to see what life could hold for me or what sun’s first ray of light hold for me. But then I gathered all my willingness to love back and see the smiles on my children’s face I tried to fake what I wanted and here I am today, trying to take over my life and have my own way, not giving in, to my demons.
I never looked for any one to help me climb up but I supported my self to climb the ladder towards light. There was or is no one to understand me but me, so i just hold my hand and walk step by step in the darkest of hours just hoping to reach the point from where I can start my journey towards light. There were many critical points in past couple of years when everything was blurred and muddled and I wanted to give up but some how could not do so. Because everytime it happened a voice in me told to hold on little bit tighter and hangon, because I never was a coward but a fighter, a lone one, I always hadbeen my own strength so how come I can give up so easily or without trying a one more time and thus whenever I felt low the innervoice told me same thing over and over again. Even now it continues to knock some sense in my dumb head. If it was not for my gutt feeling I would never have survived so long. Not this heart break atleast. In other words I have been a good cheerleader for myself in hard times and still am and will continue to be.
Earlier I thought being a writer is very cool and to write about your pain, is cooler then anything else but now I knnow for being a cool writer how hard you have to work and how much pain you have to go through. Living the long burried painful moments again and again is very tiring and horrible. Then I came to know being a writer is very responsible thing because you are influencing lives of many through your pains, gains and losses for which you have to relive them. Because you know yourself better and all your experiences come in handy while writing. Thus, I understand that writing is really a healer for not readers alone but for the writers too. A best way to come out of your inhibitions and encounter your fears, pains, losses and other darker side of you. Writing about them not only heals you but inspires others also giving them the hope and a way to try out. It`s like saving your own life.
Sometimes I hide from myself when I don`t want to write or stop writing. It happens often, because I cann`t take the burden of my demons. I just start running, forgetting that its the only way out. The more I will acknowladge it the lesser the impact will be upon me. But sometimes I feel exhausted and left with no energy to carry on. But I know I have to face it some or the other day so why not now, this brings me back to my paper and pen. Because I want everyone to know that failures and defeats are a small part of our life but the life as a whole is very vast and promising if we give it a chance and a second chance in case of some people. periodical drawbacks cann`t be given chance to loom over a big chunk of life demolishing it to nothingness and robbing us of our right to be happy ever after.
So I write just to say if I can try so others can too.