Just a thought

My cupboard is something I dread to open. It’s like everything will fall down on me. I have stuffed it with odd things. And I am not able to bring myself to organise it. The mere thought gives me nightmare. Same is the condition of my mind. When I try to pull on one thought everything starts bombarding on me. I just cnut bare the pain. I am affraid of my mind. The inward journey even to the happy moments tumble up everything. My thoughts….OMG! I am scared of thinking anything now a days. One tug at a single thought …lo! the bundle of buried memories of love by gone, the trust laid out, everything that was dear to me, laughter, desires, color and dreams, all come rolling down upon me causing pain.

Why I am so? Some times I do ask myself but then no answer can be found so instead leave it aside and close the mind and it’s current thought process and try to focus on something g which will drive me away from the pain and the nightmare I am living through.

Oh, on a lighter note, I like to remind me one thing always when I cross this thought, that mine is (was?)a true love and that is why I am walking through my worst nightmare. One day will surely come (a bleak hope) when my love will smile back at me (just for me). I will be the only one (oh so gravely I wish) who will have het place back.

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Designing Your Life

“There’s a science to planning

Your life well.”    

          The most Important lesson of the life now a days is to design our lives which highlights the need of concern for our personal being rather then materialistic desires. All we need is a right approach to design our lives. We should be living the lives with as much little stress as possible to start designing our future. All the specific variables of our goals should be aligned so that they fit in properly. And our motive should be intentional rather then ideas of instable mind because we cannot change anything which has been done but of course our future is something we can make according to our choice and that’s where the beauty of planning lies.

Goal – Centric Questions.

We should be asking ourselves a question that how we want to live our life from this day onwards. That is we should be in charge of our life in every walk may it be work or personal. Be it health regarding question or relation. The more specific the question the more concrete the path to change. The lifestyle we are living today has made us a mechanical being who is programmed according to the set of rules and is running round the clock without pausing or getting bit of personal time. Always a tic toc of time buzzing to finish off everything before the deadline. In this kind of scenario, one must have a designing tool kit handy to bring a change a positive one. We need to decide which direction we want to go rather then being in a herd, running to one direction blindfolded. The focusing areas must be made clear and one should be cautious and passionate about them. Author Jen Sincero opines that if you want to live a life you’ve never lived, you have have to do things you’ve never done.

Easy To Apply Changes.

The life plan must be implemented with easy experiments, where we do things to approach our goals. It is critical but worth giving a try on daily basis, until it becomes a routine. A regular journaling practice can be a good and easy approach to do so. Anything, from a short walk in nature to coffee shop or park bench would do. Take out as little as 10 to 15 minutes a day and think over what all has occurred in our life and what measures we taken or will take to handle it.

Building Strong Mind Not Bank Balance.

We don’t know when or how many times our life is going to give us a jolt. Life is like a roller costar ride, who knows when we are upside down or simply thrown out of balance. A mind is always on a constant move through the different sort of thoughts. Thus, having a mental tool kit to fix the mood swings or the lows of life, as and when required, to move on, is a necessity. The situation requires us to build a strong mind so that we can go through such unstable situation swiftly and be stable. This requires the strong mind and the bank balance. Practicing all this we should not forget the chaos daily routine and small work needing our attention, make. Measures to minimize their negative impact on our moods should be taken. Once these petty tensions are taken care of, we get plenty of time to concentrate properly on the long term goals of our life, which are far more easy to achieve.

 

 

My thoughts and laundry.

In my small living room or should I call it an open space just outside the room, in a corner I have kept a place for the laundry when I take it off the wire when it’s dried. 

I keep piling it as long as I can. I mean I just don’t have the heart to fold them neatly and keep them in the respective place. Call me a lazy person or whatever you may like but I can’t do it. Though I tried many times but after doing it once I am back to ground zero. It starts piling up again. I know it looks ugly but then it’s hidden from everyone’s eyes. Only I see it as it’s in my approach. And one day when it can no longer take the burden of clothes the heap starts falling down then I try to tuck them up and it doesn’t help instead creates extra work for me. So without any wish to sort that mess out I have to put them in their respective place which gives me tension and I do it so disgracefully that it looks so unorganised in my cupboard. In my hubby’s and kids cupboard it’s all managed because for them I have to keep it neat and cleanly organised but when it comes to my clothes I am always clumsy and mismanaged. 

Today a thought striked me that same goes with my thoughts too. They keep on building up in my mind and I keep storing them. It’s not that I don’t want to express them but have no heart or guts.  I don’t know why whenever I think to write or say them my mind stops me from doing so. They keep piling in my head, the thoughts of all kind and nature. It feels so stuffy in there that I start suffocating of my own thoughts.  I did try many a times to sort them out but I am always confused, worried, anxious and so much more.

When I try to write them down the mind is in such a rush that it is not properly organised and what I write I myself don’t understand. But at least I am free of burden and for a while I feel free and light. But this feeling is not for long my thoughts start storing up again as I am so clumsy and anxious to sort them out. I feel concious to express and besides it feels better that they should stay in my mind where no one can read, feel or understand or misunderstand them and thus no pain, all locked up sagely no matter how? But then it again starts suffocating again and I have to force myself to express them, in any manner and in any condition whether sorted and organised properly or not. It comes down on the pages of my diary or the screen, and stored. Now a days I even burden you people out with the over flow of the thoughts.

Whatever I do, how much I write and express…I come to ground zero every time with more of the thoughts forming up in mind. Some are beautiful,some are pitiable and some are full of anger. Hope I am able to hide some of the ugliness of my mind and thoughts when I put them on display. Here I go anxious again and blabbering out something or the other. The vicious cycle of thoughts downloading and uploading keeps on going and my mind keeps cherning but not pouring out outcome of this.

I take your leave or else will keep on going on like this may be for eternity or at least as long as it takes my mind to be empty.

Image: whisper

Wreck Diving Site

Once upon a time there was huge steam ship loaded with passengers leaving a charming town. But, the ill fated ship sank with all of its 400 passengers on board. Ever since, the location where the ship sank in the sea has been haunted, with the souls of the gloomy, dead passengers haunting whoever passes by at night. They moaned take out their anger on the living, begging for attention and some relief from their afterlife.

This is the popular legend of a ship wreck in the fishermen community of the city of port…Vizag a.k.a. Visakhapatnam. Till recent it was nothing more then a story for bedtime and to scare the toddlers. Some even went to say that they have felt the touch of someone on their backs, when they ventured there to fish in the night. And avoid fishing there in the night. Or they make large groups if needed to go in that area but mostly wont catch fish there.

Even the mere mention of the spooky wreck site raises fear in the fishermen. Ask them and they will start telling you that they heard the story from their father and him from his father. They don’t know the correct time and reason for the ship wreck but are sure that there is an area in Bay of Bengal haunted by the spirits of the doomed passangers’ spirits. One of them told that his father was 85 years old and according to him the ship sank about 300 years ago.

But why do they feel so scared of the site? In an answer to this question they say that they have encountered many miss happenings and seen apparitions there. And even heard some miserable sounds. So venturing there is a strict no – no for them. For years now the fishing community of Bheemunipatnam has this belief that the area 30 kms north near the famous light house of Santhapalli Rocks about 12 kms into the sea is a dangerous zone and doomed site, a place where ghostly spirits lived deep in the fathoms of the Bay of Bengal and no boats returned safe.

At the time of British empire, the government had built a light house in the year 1840 because the seabed there is rocky and dangerous. Says historian Edward Paul.

On December 21 morning, Scuba Diver Balram Naidu who is running a Scuba diving institute in the city from last 3 years and his team went on for the search for the aforesaid wreck site. And he stumble upon the remains of the ship. Actually he was searching the site from last three years with the help from the fishing community. They used to show him the possible wreck site and he with his team dived into the deep waters. Thus being lucky this time he finally discovered it. Though he was warned about the mysterious happenings and that it was life threatening to venture in that area. But as he was determined, he didn’t hesitated and went with his plan, which obviously paid off his hard work.

The visibility under the sea water is very clear. The aquamarine life there is very rich. Specially the remainants of the ship hold a variety of it. Much has to be studied along the coast which would show up many other wreck sites.

While the cause or reason of the sinking of the ship, its origin and history need to be further explored as its still a mystery, has Balram and the team in excitement. According to Balram finding of coral in the sea few weeks back and now this wreck site, Vizag has a great potential for scuba diving site, thanks to the rich aqua marine life, clear water visibilities. Apart from tis Balram is planning to present a proposal to tourism department to turn Vizag into wreck diving destination. This on being materialised would give civilians a chance to visit the wreck of PNS Ghazi.Apart from these two ship wrecking site debris of another good ship probably century old, lies at the continental beach near Dolphin hills. He hopes that doing so might turn tourism scenerio not only in Vizag but all over India.

Desires not Wishes.

Hmmm…the first month of new year already a week old. And we all are still struggling with our wishes and resolutions but tell you what? I am not into this madness. I don’t have resolutions at all. I only have heart felt desires. And I believe that one day I am going to make it big anyhow. Because desires are something more powerfully backed up with intense willingness  to fulfill them.

And my desires are not in much. Not so many at least. Only 2 or 3 at maximum. First is to keep writing and writing and writing, that brings us to second which is to work more on my book ‘ Fighting  with My Inner Devils’ and the last one is to materialize my dream to own my channel on You Tube about abandoned places and buildings.

I am working hard on latter one. Actually it requires thorough research and pre work. I know I have to do lot before starting it but believe me its kind of dream which requires me to spend some sleepless nights just to realize it. As of the book I’ve completed the intro, first chapter and started second one. I will do the proof reading and editing later on, that is after completing. And writing will anyhow continue. And one day I will write the script for the movie I am dreaming of since my teenage. And hope that it will be somewhere soon in the near future.

Hope one day soon I will be talking about them in present tense and how I feel after accomplishing all these dreams.

This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.

 

 

Really…?!!

100 followers…that too for me?! I mean that is really something…an achievement bestowed by all the fellow bloggers. And that really calls for some shout for myself by myself! And a huge hip hip hurray! For you all out there.

No really! I mean I never hoped that what I write just to relieve myself and to fight my inner sadness, will touch so many people that they will come and join me in my journey of rediscovering myself and meaning to my life. 

Thankyou everyone who all have appriciated and encouraged me. And still are giving  hope to me. I hope that I will get your support and advice in future also. I would love to know my mistakes as well so that I can work upon them to improve and be a better writer. 

Thankyou so so much

PS- I am not a person so big or a saint to have followers. I am just a simple humanbeing who is searching for her own identity to fight the loneliness in and around her. For me all are advisors and well wishers.

How I see you…

The worst feeling is when
you don’t wanna give up on someone
but you know you have to.

This is the quote I read today on google+. But know what ? For me the worst feeling is just reverse of this. I want to give up but I know how hard I may try I can’t, because my heart doesn’t want to.

Of course I love you! Or else why would I have given you the power to destroy me. Wish you could hear the way I talk about you. My heart beats for you, but that’s not why I need you. I need you because without you, my heart wouldn’t have a beat at all.

If I did something good in my life, it was giving you my heart. Though I didn’t plan to do so but am happy that I do and I still fall for you everyday. I am gonna fight for my love everyday and never give up because mine is a true one and I cannot let it loose for someone’s stupidity as love such as mine can never be replaced. I wander to get lost in your thoughts. Thinking of you makes me complete. You are my smile, my soulmate and all the love songs that are originating in my spirit. A sweet call from soul to soul.

I never felt that I fell for you but it was like my heart knew something about and not my mind. Walking into you was like realising I am home. I love you not because how you look but who you are. You are first and last thing on my mind and everything in between, each and every day.

Beautiful love story like ours should happen everyday, where I find you, my other half, every time. So that I feel safe from everything that’s hurting me inside. I keep looking at you every single moment of each day as if you are the lottery I won and have my whole world in front of my eyes.

I don’t know anything about you but one thing am sure of is that I cannot live without you and thus married you so that can hold you near my heart and don’t miss you. But then I do miss you the next moment you’re not near me, that is the depth of my love. I wish you to know that you have been the last dream of my soul.

I love you even if you don’t love me back. I just want you to know, that when I picture myself happy, it’s with you.

Boarding a flight.

We all live on a beautiful place called earth. It’s a heaven for we don’t know what actual one looks like. May be some of us may laugh at my this statement but for me my world which I can experience,  feel, touch and see is heaven. I don’t reserve a particular word for an unseen imaginary place.

I don’t get it sometimes why some people are blood thirsty, why all these killings. Why can’t we live in a peaceful and harmonious environment. Why the governments support such kind of things. In fact in our country try there is internal war going on for showing themselves as backwards and poor. If such is the condition and mentality of citizens then how can a Nation become developed and march forward? Where the right to admission in any walk of life is based on reservation and not ability and capability. There are many drawbacks for such a situation and the Nation as a whole has to face the consequences.

Why don’t we get satisfied with what we are capable of instead of snatching from others their opportunity.  It in turns make everyone a looser because one who got the opertunity by snatching is not able to perform correctly and the one who is, is deprived of the same.

Wherever we see some kind of unrest is going on. Whether it may be in social life or in personal. Instead of getting happy with our share of happiness we try to compare with others and always find ours less in comparison, so we struggle to reach their level. For attaining that we may do anything, bag, borrow or steal. And I don’t think that is right or even nervous to it. Because I believe that what is destined to us or what we have written in our agreement with the supreme power that has already been given to us. For me the happiness is getting a reservation of a table for two at the restaurant for dinner. Or even getting a chance to stroll the street full of people, holding hands of my love and resting my head on his shoulder if I am tired of walking, with everyone admiring his love for me.

After all we all have to aboard a flight which is never delayed and say our goodbyes and depart silently for let others shout for us. The seats are already reserved so no inconvenience. No tension, no worries. How much good deeds we perform we will be allowed that much to carry with us and how human we are that will be the quality of our passports. All the love we carry within us all through our life will get us visa soon, for trouble free clearance. So in my point of view our only worry should be, how can we be a better humanbeing and perform our duties rightfully. So when we aboard the flight to heaven we are in the business class.

Daily prompt:  Reservation

Anxiety

Hey friends, you know what I met the dumbest person today. And that person is no one else but me! Actually from my child hood I am suffering from a problem that I cannot speak in front of many people or canny face camera. Not only this but also I was affraid of answering questions asked in class, was not able to perform on stage in school dramas. Even when our school I’d card photo session took place I used to become very concious. I always avoided functions, outings. In short anything which included involving others. I failed many job interviews due to this.

First I used to think nothing of it. But as I grew bit older and dawned myself in reading, more and more it was then that at some point of time I got the name for my problem. I called it social phobia. Because I even hated or say feared to go out for lunch in my school, collage and institute training times. So till this very moment I was ok with my discovery.

But just now I was going through you tube and stumbled upon a video regarding anxiety disorder. In the comment section there was some one who described his social anxiety and after reading his symptoms…I was like ……dumbfounded for few seconds. I had same symptoms. And now I realise after so many years of suffering that it has after proper name Social Anxiety. Though I suffer from anxiety in general but this social anxiety which was giving trouble to me, now I know.

I am laughing at myself now. What a bundle of mental illnesses I am. …aah. Hopefully now I can at least deal with this part at least.  May be some tension might lessen. Hope for your all suggestion.