I have stopped touching my evergreen wound in order to let it heal. It’s okay untill I don’t wander in its direction and every thing goes back to ground zero. How hartd I may try, it attacks, or shall I say my minddoes not want me to heal. It has become unhealing sore.
Learning to ignore things is one of the great paths to inner peace…..I have recently learnt and believe it thoroughly. When negative thoughts arise or feelings tend to sadden me, I just simply ignore them. The thoughts which create havoc in my heart and mind, I shift my focusfrom them to the more happy thougths. Sometimes just out of the mere need to speak something to avoid the regretfull events that may follow, I speak totally different from what is going on in my mind, shocking myself and mind both. But believe me, it does pay.
”We believe what we tell ourselves”
So I keep telling myself ” I can, I will”. To affirm my belief that I am strong and parient enough to gain what I want and deserve.
In my case the silence is full of destructive, negative and sad thoughts. So I don’t sit silent instead I chat with my mind about my book, blog or channel.
I look for answers not in silence but in the chaos of my mind. It (chaotic mind) has lot to offer, from wide range of emotions. I never found anything from silence apart from provoking thoughts of negativity. So, I never keep that ghostly silence creep into my space. I keep chattering or giving exercise to my mind when I find moments of peace. It has helped a lot to pull up my life togather once again after my encounter with the ugly truth of me not being only one for my love.
Believe me your mind can play fatal tricks upon you once it has gone through some dentful events, so keeping your self bisy even in the moments of silence is good rather than let it drool over the random topics, which for sure are dark unlike healthy minds which find answers in silence.
I am missing my long sessions with words, especially here on wordpress. I am trying a lot to return to my writing schedule but I don’t know what it is that’s keeping me away from it, whether a writer’s block or some other distraction.
Every now and then I start hoiping to continue but I fail in my attempt. Though I picked up at my book, which I am writing since last year. The first draft is near to completion and I geel overjoyed to share my small achievement with all you out there, that I had sent my synopsis and sample chapter to Olampiya Publishers, London and was called back saying they are intrested to go through my complete manuscript. So I am trying to complete it.
Apart from that I am editing my first 3 videos for my new youtube chennel Telugu Urbex. Though I have to film more often then what I do but there are some personal setbacks which are delaying the shoot and hindering the progress of the channel work.
But whatever the reason may be I have made my mind to have a writing schedule for somedays so that I am back on my track. In this process I may be writing small blogs but will try to be in touch so that no distraction is successful do dither me from my objective and above all from the possitive and encouraging support of wonderful people out here always present to cheerup.
Thank you all of you for being there whenever I need words of encouragement. Keep showing me the path and be the guiding light
I thought of writing over my wounds
to hide them
but then they were so deep and afresh
even to scribble
I moved on in search of peace
to calm the pain
then the mirracle happened
and yet again
I found my peace vested in you
I keep falling
for you again and again
Somewhere on the net I read ” when you can tell your story and it doesn’t make you cry, you know you have healed” I am waiting for that moment to happen to me, when i can turn back and atleast smile without a tinge of pain, over what I want to tell in the book I am writing, which I actually avoid writing.
I know its not only about me but everyone arround me. Still its a sad and bitter experience for me and I know where I have been due to this and how I have come back, not yet to the mark I was supposed to be but still kicking back at life and trying to heal, from the place where once was and never wanted to come back. I never wanted to see what life could hold for me or what sun’s first ray of light hold for me. But then I gathered all my willingness to love back and see the smiles on my children’s face I tried to fake what I wanted and here I am today, trying to take over my life and have my own way, not giving in, to my demons.
I never looked for any one to help me climb up but I supported my self to climb the ladder towards light. There was or is no one to understand me but me, so i just hold my hand and walk step by step in the darkest of hours just hoping to reach the point from where I can start my journey towards light. There were many critical points in past couple of years when everything was blurred and muddled and I wanted to give up but some how could not do so. Because everytime it happened a voice in me told to hold on little bit tighter and hangon, because I never was a coward but a fighter, a lone one, I always hadbeen my own strength so how come I can give up so easily or without trying a one more time and thus whenever I felt low the innervoice told me same thing over and over again. Even now it continues to knock some sense in my dumb head. If it was not for my gutt feeling I would never have survived so long. Not this heart break atleast. In other words I have been a good cheerleader for myself in hard times and still am and will continue to be.
Earlier I thought being a writer is very cool and to write about your pain, is cooler then anything else but now I knnow for being a cool writer how hard you have to work and how much pain you have to go through. Living the long burried painful moments again and again is very tiring and horrible. Then I came to know being a writer is very responsible thing because you are influencing lives of many through your pains, gains and losses for which you have to relive them. Because you know yourself better and all your experiences come in handy while writing. Thus, I understand that writing is really a healer for not readers alone but for the writers too. A best way to come out of your inhibitions and encounter your fears, pains, losses and other darker side of you. Writing about them not only heals you but inspires others also giving them the hope and a way to try out. It`s like saving your own life.
Sometimes I hide from myself when I don`t want to write or stop writing. It happens often, because I cann`t take the burden of my demons. I just start running, forgetting that its the only way out. The more I will acknowladge it the lesser the impact will be upon me. But sometimes I feel exhausted and left with no energy to carry on. But I know I have to face it some or the other day so why not now, this brings me back to my paper and pen. Because I want everyone to know that failures and defeats are a small part of our life but the life as a whole is very vast and promising if we give it a chance and a second chance in case of some people. periodical drawbacks cann`t be given chance to loom over a big chunk of life demolishing it to nothingness and robbing us of our right to be happy ever after.
So I write just to say if I can try so others can too.
A dense forest….on the verge of a lake stands still a lonely cabin.
A few meters away is parked a vintage valks vagon.
The sunlight is creating camouflage pattern on the ground.
Shadows are darker and light is not so bright, the contrast is high.
Some cops enter the scene. They went inside the cabin to check it and later investigate the nearby place. They finally halt near the car. Inspector looks into it and asks the constables to check the car thoroughly.
One of the constable who was at the rear end of it told Inspector that the car number plate was missing but the number was scrapped into its paint with any sharp object and that the number was same to that which was reported of the missing valks vagon. So the team becomes more active and starts searching in the car for some other clues.
But they were more of confused then curious, that how the car reached the place where it was seen and reported last week as it’s condition was not good. Still they continued with their search and thus reached for door handle to open it.
There was something strange about the car but what that they were not able to figure out. The inspector peeped into the car and noticed something glittering below the seat cover of the passangers seat. He, then asked one cop to pull up the seat cover and see what was it, that was glittering. The coptried to lift up the cover thinking it to come up in a large chunk of cloth but it tore into a pieces instead. To prick on the seat cover he had to scratch it and scrap it. The way it was coming out was peculiar as if peelings of dead skin! After scraping half of the seat he could takeout the glittering object which turned out to be a mobile. On switching on the mobile they found out it belonged to one of the missing boys for who they were searching. Suddenly the search becomes more intense and the whole party involves in the act of tearing the seat covers which came off into bits and pieces as like that of dead skin and the belongings of the missing boys start to appear under the seats. The foot mats of the car were even more weird, black thread like matterial plaited to form mat and felt silky to touch. After searching the interior of the car their attention turned to the exterior and they noticed the car was faded rusted red color as that of dried blood. Apart from that, they could not find anything more from the car.
They took all the evidences and the strange car to the city for forensic investigation. Two days after the inspector got a call from the forensic department asking him to reach the office without any delay. The investigating forensic doctor and his assistant were pale as scared to death when the inspector reached. They took him to the lab and showed him some tests they had performed on his findings. The seat covers were not actually fabric but what they felt like and the foot mats too were made of human hair of different people told the forensic doctor after performing the dna tests and most surprisingly the color of the car was not actually regular color but had traces of human blood with mixed dna! To their horror the car was taking fuel from human flesh as some pieces of human tissues were found in the fuel tank and the combustion system of the engine. How it could be possible they were wondering when suddenly the car seemed to move a bit from its place and the light went off.
Headlines of the news paper next day read, team working on double missing cases of four people and a car, missing. The forensic doctor, his assistant and inspector were in missing complaint too. A suspicious brand new car of blood red color with crisp new seat covers and foot mats was parked opposite to the forensic department.
In a house far away from the vicinity of highly populated city of Kanpur, four people from some uknown city found,shelter. This house was vacant from last 14 years. It is believed that house was hanuted or some spirits visit it on a particular night.
The boys were unaware of this fact and it could have made no big difference even if they knew because they didnt believe in ghosts and spirits. In nights one of them used to guard the house alone, while the other three slept and next night it was other’s duty. Suddenly one night they faced something strange.
It was amawas (night of no moon). It was 11.30 in the night when they decided to set up their beds when something strange happened. A knock was heard but strange part was that the house didn’t have a door. They ignored it and laid their beds and were about to doze off when the knocking sound was heard again but this time it was from inside. The boy who was guarding, was sitting on the low wall of the premises heard nothing and was busy making puffs of smoke.
The sound continued for 5 odd minutes. But searching for the source they could not find anything visible that could produce such a sound. It was mud for the floor, half broken ceiling made of stone over only left room, rest were reduced to ruins. The once kitchen was now a room with two halves left over adajecent walls giving a corner where they used to cook for themselves. There was one place where they never ventured and that was the open area opposite to the kitchen with lonely broken pillars like a last man standing, making an arch like structure and rest was open area without any surrounding making the outside area visible from any corner of the once house. On reaching the arch they found something different under their feet. They tapped from their feet and same sound of knocking. And they were taken aback. They bent down and tried to feel the floor, suddenly one of them struck to a handle like thing on the floor. The torch light flashed on the spot, and they could see a latched door! None of them dared to open it.
Shocked from their discovery they were stunned and speechless. Suddenly the knocking came again and this time they could see the source in the light of torch. The latch was fluttering as if someone from inside wanted to break open the door. The three boys ran with their feet over the head and stopped at the entrance where the fourth one was puffing. Still, panting they told him what they had discovered. He first didn’t believe them then broke in to hysterical laughter. They went in again but this time with fire torch for more clear vision. This time the wind swooshed from the broken ceiling and echoed in the whole house as if a group was whistling on top of their esophagus. The four moved ahead in tight-knit group, holding hands. They were using their eyes to look in four different directions at the same time, their backs touching each other.
Sudden gush of chilled air knocked off their fire torch. Now they have no other option except the 2 battery torches. They lit one of them and moved ahead turning in each direction every now and then. Once one of them felt a light feathered tap on his shoulder from behind, and he turned with a jerk hoping to find his friend who might be walking behind him, but he saw nothing. A flatter of soft wings or a cloth was felt instead, but nothing more. They kept on moving towards the arch. When finally they were near it, none of them had the guts to reach out to the underground door. To their amazement they could see some sort of blurry glow near the arch half a foot above the door and it felt like waving but in a blink of an eye it disappeared and then knocking sound came again but this time very slowly. And they could feel the surrounding temperature falling down and to their astonishment they could see the door opening and as if some lady in full royal attire came out! But the next moment her whole body was ablaze and the atmosphere warmed up to the unbearable degree….to be conrinued.
I don’t have much knowladge about meditation but do love doing it in my way. Though people have their own ways of indulging in it but mine is simple, I meditate on reading. I forget everything while doing so. When I am in library the peace and serenity there absorbs the negetivity and depressive feelings, giving me fresh feeling and light headedness. I feel refreshed once I am in library and love loosing myself in the magical land of books.
This is what I feel about meditation and library. What about you, my friends? Let me know your thoughts in the comments.