I feel like crying

Sometimes life plays such a googly that you can only wish everything else was just your imagination. But you know it’s not and you pray harder for it to be your negative thinking and deep inside you know the truth and you pray harder.

But the thought sets so deep inside that you don’t know when it starts to show up on your face and people start questioning you ‘what’s wrong with you?’ Or ‘what happened to your face, why does it appear so different?’ Then you realise that what you thought has passed away, actually has seeped in deep in your soul.

Some times I feel that I should not share my problem of anxiety with one who never has suffered it even once in life. No matter how patiently you try to explain they will retaliate back whenever they get the opportunity of hurting you. May be in anger they say something which hurts you but it doesn’t lessens the pain.

Somewhere I read that a time comes when the pain becomes so deep that it numbs our feelings and we stop complaining and explaining. I think I am going through that phase. Some more time that I would stop talking about it, completely. May be that’d be better as I won’t bother anyone won’t hurt anyone. Wish for me please I reach that stage soon, where I can’t feel anything to express it, to complain about it.

Love you all who pray for me and those who don’t still love to have you around.

Heart touching story.

August 1990. Police HQ Tirumalgherey. Unexplained huge fire occurred. Within fifteen minutes the whole building was engulfed in it. Everything destroyed. Each police official present was burnt alive to death.

Present day scenario. New Police HQ is in function from past two and a half decade. It’s not that the old one has been forgotten, it’s just that it has been converted to a memorial.

During day time people come and go to see it, some go there to study the case and some enthusiastic people go there to find out some missed leads of the mysterious fire occurence. Most of the time the family members and the friends of the deceased police go there to make offerings. The whole building is left the way it was after the fire cooled off. The marks of smoke and destruction by fire are visible clearly. One can make out the situation and power of fire and very well imagine the situation of the police personnel present inside at the time of incident.

I remember reading in a newspaper about the place, once. Daytime it looks all is well but after the dusk, no one ventures even near the spot. They say with the sunset it turns spooky around there. First I thought it’s all because the reason for the fire has not been discovered yet and such a strong mystery gave birth to such feelings, which on its place is right.

Some days back I met a friend of mine who was visiting her parents in the same locality as the Police HQ. When she with her husband, who is not a local, was crossing the place, told the sad incident to him. He wished to see it. They both went to the old HQ, leaving their car in front of the main gate. When my friend looked at her watch, it was half past four. She hesitated but when her hubby forced she agreed but said they will come out in half an hour.

They stood under the main porch of the HQ and looked around and climbed the three steps to enter the main hall. It was a huge lobby and from there the stairs went up to the first floor. To her right was a window from where sunlight from the evening sun came and made patterns of the ground in front of her. Tube lights were on and a high ceiling fan revolved in slow speed. They moved ahead and found a big cabin, which might be of the Police Commissioner. He alone escaped the fire that day as he was in the Home ministry, to brief the security arrangements for the religious processions which were to be held two days later.

The cabin was so dusty and everything there was under a thick layer of dust. Webs were hanging here and there. They came out after observing everything in that cabin. Then saw some other cubical type sitting arrangements. But these all were clean, and organized. Then they went upstairs and were amazed to see a well preserved corner. Infact, the upper floor was like it’s being cleaned daily. Don’t know why but it seemed bit strange to them.

She looked at her watch and was shocked as it was six pm. She urged her husband that they should leave the place but before he can say something they felt a gust of wind, as if any window was open to let the fresh air in. They ignored this and went downstairs. They felt something was different but what, they could not figure out. They heard a muffled sound of sweeping from the upper area but thought it was the gust of wind again. While they were crossing the big hall they felt the constant presence of someone or some people moving about the place. It was not to disturb them but as if some one going through their routine work.

My friend and her hubby came out safely. She told me that it was hair raising experience for them but not fearful. It was like the untimely dead wanted to tell we are present and doing our duty.

FOWC with Fandango – Rately

I am always in a hurry when writing something or drawing and even painting. Why? I had no idea but it made my hand writing and written work look awful.
Once my friend told me to alow down my thought process so that the ideas have time get processed and be refined. And when I tried this it did make change in both, my work and handwriting.
Today when I was looking for an image for my post I found out why I face that problem. May be I am not alone and all the creative people suffer with the mess building up in their mind and are afraid of loosing the idea, for which they apply various methods to hold on. So, the fact that creative minds are rarely tidy is true to its core.
So many ideas keep on jumping up and down in my mind to come out on the paper, that I get confused. The problem with me is that I tend to forget some of the points running in my mind. I am not able to hold on to them, even though I keep repeating them and finally when I jot them down I notice it’s slightly different from my original idea or thought. The final product then is different from what I initially had in mind.
Sometimes I feel so hochpoch in there that just don’t wanna tread in my mind. The mix soup of my thoughts starts boiling at a point and then I can’t help but let it out of the pot. The mess of my mind looks beautiful or thoughtful on the paper.

Understanding

Beauty of the relations lie in the understanding between people. And here I mean any relation, which is being pursued. Even with animals, birds and your pillow also counts in it at least for me.

I don’t know how many feelings and emotions have gone in there and been absorbed. It’s like secrets buried with a best friend. The understanding of the two goes here as well, mine for it and it’s for mine. No one gets same comfort as I. And on my part, I just can’t get proper sleep if I have to use other.

That brings to a question, do I travel with my pillow every where? Then the answer is most of the time no, I don’t but some times I do. The reason behind is again the understanding. Being a mother of two, hubby with busy schedules and living far from my Parnts place gives me very little time to travel to various places. So I steal all the time I get, to go to my parent’s house and there my old buddy (pillow of my teenage) awaits me. For rest of the travels if we go some where, it’s hardly for two days or maximum four, so I can manage with little sleep as I don’t have a hectic routine to follow after waking.

Then comes the understanding with my room which shares the same feelings as that with pillow.

So, see the understanding works well with everything not only between living things.

_________________________________________ for daily prompt from Nox, The Daily Spur.

My Mental Health Crisis Kit

I know many of you must be familiar with what I am talking about but some of you might be wondering what this crisis kit is all about.

So for those who are not aware that I suffer with mental health issues I would like to tell that there were moments when I was totally lost and suicidal.

It is all due to my therapist and coping methods that I can now breathe. From here when I look back, I wonder how I managed to get out of that pitch darkness. Sometimes it really hard to believe that I can now control my thought process to an extent. Hough I have regular mood swings which do turn to full episodes of depression or anxiety. I have panic attacks too, during such episodes but before they can engulf me completely, my Crisis kit comes in handy. It is for these tools or items, that I can manage the crisis.

What I carry in my mental health crisis kit?

  1. Phone
  2. Earphones
  3. Notebook
  4. Pen, Pencil
  5. Tab
  6. Medicines
  7. Books
  8. Painting note book
  9. Colors
  10. Instant Coffee
  11. Bestie’s contact Number
  12. Photos of kids

In time of need these items play a vital role. Apart from these, I have two more things to deal with mental health crisis. That is outing, anywhere, even window shopping does the trick and the other thing is shower.

My Dogs

I think talking about dogs will be the easiest thing for me in the world. Not forgetting my lovely `Dragon’, is one of the reasons. I can talk about him all day long. He was the sweetest gift I ever received from my loving parents. Now, how can I forget about my `Chris’, `Brownie’ (my first ever dog) `Ronnie’ `Jordan’ the notorious one and above all `Sherry’ the sweetest of all. I know I lost them all to the cruel hands of time, but that doesn’t mean they lost their place in my heart too. They will live in my memories until I live.

Each of them had their likings as unique as we humans do. `Dragon’ loved to be friendly with everyone and he became more of a human than a dog. He loved to sit on the sofa as we humans do especially when we had guests. During winters he used to take over the place in front of the room heater by pushing us aside. He even brought the newspaper for Papa from outside but didn’t like to give, so the newspaper always bore punch marks of his teeth.

`Sherry’ loved to play with wool as if she thought herself to be a cat. She had a liking for a particular chair, on which she never let anyone sit. Particularly she hated my elder aunt and kept her on nerves, whenever she went near her chair. Once aunt sat on bed but kept her feet on `Sherry’s’ chair, this didn’t go well with `Sherry’ and she nibbled on her big toe and chewed her slippers. There was a serial on television every Wednesday afternoon, which mom watched without missing and had a special companion for the show. `Sherry’ used to sleep in her lap listening to the music of it. Anyhow `Sherry’ was mom`s darling.

`Chris’, `Ronie’ and `Brownie’ they were very sweet and calm souls. They didnot have much time to develop anything particular liking because they didnot survive long. Still `Chirs’ had one thing special about him, that he loved to eat anything and everything. Litteraly, anything and everything, which means onion peels, garlic and ginger, green chilly, pumpkin,bottle guard, beans etc. etc. Just think of the name and it was on his menu. I always scolded him for this habbit as it was not his diet. One more thing he had unusual that he used to finish off his food faster than `Dragon’ and then used to eat along with `Dragon’ in his bowl from between his front legs. Infact, it was `Dragon’s’ cuteness that he never growled over `Chris’ for eating off his food, instead he came to mom and tugged at her skirt and pulled her to his bowl to show that `Chris’ was eating his food and he already ate his. Atleast it seemed to me this way, as if he was saying ‘ now its not my fault that he ate everything, so do I get something else to eat or it`s a fasting for me.?’ Told you people, he was the sweetest of all.

Then comes the bad guy,, `Jordan’. He was naughtiest of all. He was always at unrest. As long as he was with us, he never let us sit in place with peace. Always we kept guessing, what mischief he made today or what he has broken or teared? Once we went to market and could not take him along because he never sat quietly in car, scratched the seat covers and windows. So after returning saw that our sofa was all turned inside out with foam scattered in the room and curtains on the window were torn at the bottom.

Whatever the story is, the bottom line is dogs are and always will be the first love for me.Which of my dogs appealed you the most?

Spooky Incident

Dim lights in the plane,on the runway suddenly I see a reflection of a girl smiling, in the window of plane
I sit up straight with a jerk and look again but nothing and realize that flight was raising from the ground. I doubted my eyes as I was half asleep and looked around for a girl inside the flight whose reflection I might have seen. But no one to be seen in the flight with same features. Just then I realised the eyes had strange twinkle and the smile too was quirky with a twisted curve at the right corner. But what bothered me the most was that how can she show up to that height. Even if she stood on the stairs to board the flight then also she cannot come up to the windows. Even if the plane started to move and she crossed over to the window,but then this is also not possible because she could not be permitted.
After going through all the possibilities and logics behind the appearance of the smiling girl’s face, I gave up and slept. After fifteen or twenty minutes later i was awoke by a strange sound. To my relief it came from landing. I turned to look out of the window and to my utter shock, on the glass of the window ‘Boo’ was written with finger tip. Strange feeling returned.
Flight came to halt and I descended. But till to date I could not make out what was that. The journey is a rememberable one and still gives me goosebumps.

A small scene

She sat there looking at him with tearful eyes. He moved closer and encircled his arm around her shoulders.
A sob escaped. She suddenly suppressed her mouth to stop further sobs. With the back of her palm she rubbed her tears off, which came over the rim of her eyes.
He slightly kissed her forehead and tightened his grip. She was inconsolable now. It was like a barrier was broken and tears flowed like a river uncontrollable. Her whole body shakes with each sob escaped.
It was hard for her to believe what she heard just now. She was fixed in her mind that nothing can change the situation she was in as not atleast him. His words were just to fool her because he himself said that nothing could happen to change the situation he was in.
But if this is to be believed than the situation is more bad and if he is to be believed, she was to be blamed for his heart ache. She felt guilty for putting him in the situation of deep pain and loss.
She looked up and gazed in his eyes, then told him that she won’t forgive herself till she is alive for separating him from his heart.
She loosened his embrace and shifted bit far and said that if it was not for their children, she would have moved out of his life. She said sorry repeatedly and closed her eyes and tears rolled down her cheeks.
He sighed deeply and embrace her once again and managed to say that he could understand her pain and felt it deep in his heart. Her last sobs were smothered in his loving kiss. Or so it appears.

Twpc…I never knew.

I never knew, I will betray myself by loving you so much.

I never knew, I will be the reason behind your heart ache.

I never knew, unknowingly I will move you away from your happiness.

I never knew, I will be one of those whom I hate.

I never knew, I will be able to fight my demons and defeat…but…

I never knew, these demons were not defeated but lurking behind my smiles and will leap up hold me under their sharp claws.

I N-V-E-R KNEW.