Love

Sitting on the dining chair beside the window, holding her face in palm, she seemed to be lost. The sunlight making her already white hair more silvery. Tucking the greys behind her ear,released a sob, looking at the photo she was holding in her hand.

“Where did I go wrong?” Was all she could think of, when a wave of cold despair washed upon her. She was just a bubbly girl when they met. Going against her patents and everyone who cared, fighting her way to him, she had married him. Infact made everyone to bow on her terms, by hook or crook managed to bring their relation to marriage. He also at the time, was so eager and on edge that broke all the promises to his mother and moulded them to fulfil his wish to marry her. Both on their part went problems many folds.

But today siting here alone she was again lost in her dark world searching for some answers. Answers that were not destined to be found. Years passed but no answer came for the questions she carried in her mind, banging her head in vein. What happened that took live out of the air? He found his refuge in someone else… without even taking the courtsey to tell he rthat it was all over between them! Or was it really? This is the question keeps hitting hard.

It was that doomed day that she found about his relation. On confronting him he was quiet, quiet like a small kid who on being scolded by teacher for being guilty and few days later refuted like he was the grown up teenager who was not ready to admit that he was at fault. Later she was blamed for everything that happened? “What have I done to earn this? What is it that doesnt happen in other households or families? Even my own in-laws havethe flaw? Then why me being punished?” Nothing to be found as relief. Only the questions giving back more questions. More uneasiness.

Depression which once was a bird that flew overhead but never nested is now the permanent resident, along with friends like anxiety and panic attack. This too is blamed now on jer that she was a patient and its not his fault, infact its her leathergic ways and overpossessive nature that turned him away.

Bell on the door rang and she sprung form her darkness to full bright mom in action. Her children, for whom she was now alive, were her sole intrest. Though that ability was too countlessly questioned. She performed all her duties and chores, for the rest of the day, with all those head banging questions looming at thba k of her mind continuously nudgging her now and then.

Putting them to bed, she resumed her search again. Was this all for which they went through so much pain? Took risks, still hovering over them. Sipping her night coffee in her lounge, she stretched her neck back and rested on the headrest of the lounge. The light was dim, window open and cool breeze of the rainy day coming in bringing the wet smell of the greens from the fresh rain half an hour back. Still there was no sign of him. Phone rang, she picked up the phone ” hello?” “I’ll be late, going to a movie darling. Dont worry I will eat outside.” Was all he had said.
She closed her eyes and two drops of tears rolled down her eyes as she shut them. They were trying to be as normal as they could because none of them could leave eachother. He for his guilt and she for her stupid heart. Morning incident cherned in her mind like a film reel. When she had said “Am I good enough now, atleast?” To which he answered “Yes you are my dear. And am I not a better person now? Giving you more time and being there for you more than ever?” In her mind she answered could he not do this without ruining magic of their relation? Couldnt he be more loving before all this fall? But to him she said “No, you are not. ” He was amazed at this and asked ” tell me are you serious, didn’t I change a bit as a better husband?” “No.” Was her blunt reply.” May I know why?”he asked lovingly. “Because then you were mine and mine alone.” That was all she managed to say in a tearful voice.

I need a change of heart!

I need a change of heart! Is there any way? As in replacement of heart.

Sometimes I think that, really extreme of anything is not good, so I want to get my heart transplanted or my brain to be replaced or even to have Alzheimer’s or something similar. I just want to forget the memories no matter good or bad. They give pain equally deep and sharp.

Sometimes love has to teach you the lessons you don’t want to learn, in a very painful way.

A voice in my head…

“Stop, right there!” a whisper and I just turn my head to look over my shoulder, to find no one behind.

I complete my rounds and slump down on the bench below a tree. It’s cool and breezy morning but I feel sudden rush of heat raising and goose bumps on my body, hair on my neck rise.

“You must die.” a clear whisper this time but more urging in a voice between teeth. I just jerk up and look if someone was hiding behind and playing prank over me. But no, this time too no one.

I start walking towards the gates and realise that I’ve been listening this voice from a few days now. This time, only very clear.

Lately, I’ve been feeling very drastic. This voice continuously trying to control me, becoming more and more clearly audible whisper and compelling me to die!

I cannot run from it. Wherever I go it follows me. Its now becoming more and more irritating, I don’t know what to do? Even when I talked to my friend about this, she asked me to just ignore it as its nothing more than my imagination. But its not the case, I know real it is and how compelling.

One night i woke up to sharp pain in my head and I notice same gruelling voice asking to smash my head with something heavy or just thrash my head into the wall. It just wants me to die. I don’t know what to do? I am tired of it, tired of running from it, ignoring it. But it seems to be more determined everytime it’s heard.

Chai Kahani…once again.

Hmmm…its so dreamy out here today. Raining! My love at by my side…oh what else can I ask for? But wait …my good luck had something more in store for me. He asked me to kidnap him! Take him someqhere we both can be togather in each other’s company and not disturbed by any one at all.

I was on the cloud nine. He was even ready to go missing with me for a longer period than I expected but somehow it could not be done. I regret it but then happy that atleast we were togather in our company for a considerable period of time. And ofcourse we have all of the time in the world to plan that missing again on some beautiful day.

Well when I did, so called kidnap him, we went to our favrioute spot…Chai Kahani. It was drizzling by the time we reached there. As he parked the car, I had to jump over a mud pool formed due to good rain, few minutes ago. But it was worth visiting in that weather. So romantic and cozy I was feeling in his company. Then suddenly I noticed that there was a beautiful development in the place.

It was like a secret garden from snow white story. May be I am exhergrating but to me it was so. I hope one day I will get to sit in that garden and sip my cuppa. Its just that I want to enter that garden through that door and not from inside the cafe.

We entered the cafe and were surprised to see a little change in the interior from the last visit a few months ago. But it was minimal as usual and rustic too. The cozy feeling it gives, is uncompareable to any other place.

After settling down he signalled for the waiter and we were provided menu, which I noticed, was different and changed. But hold its favourite delecacies in place. New beverages are added to it every now and then. On the outer signboard, was mentioned this season’s new entry…’mitti chai’ each drop smells of rain! Though I am not a tea drinker, I love coffee instead, I wanted to try this newbie, so ordered and my sweet heart who was equally excited to see new entries and shocked to see me ordering cup of tea (actually it was a mud glass) asked for tulsi tea (basil tea) which we took for some sort of green tea, which actually it was not. He also is not a tea lover but likes green tea of any sort, so 5he tea came as a surprise. After ordering we had to wait for say about 15 minutes or so. But this wait didn’t felt bad, as in each other’s c8mpany we didnt notice the time. Had lot of things to catch upon. I had to discuss about my new project and he had some developments to tell about his directorial debut. While talking we kept noticing our surrounding. There was an arrangement for 8 members party to sit just opposite to us and 4 of them came few minutes after us and I noticed they were not more than 20 or so years. Slowly the group’s other members joined and I said to my love that they might be from some near by college, who are bunking the classes to celebrate something. On the table behind us first there were sitting one uncle and aunt, who just finished their tea and left, then came two girls of same age group as the first group but not from the same institute and asked for the table for 6 and were shown the table which was just vacated by middle aged couple. Behind me were sitting, a father and a 10 or so years’ son having pasta. All this going on but no noise at all, everyone was comfertable in their zone, chatting, laughing and calling.

Here arrived piping hot basil tea, in a glass. He sipped and siad that I must try it. Bit hesitatingly I sipped from his glass and was took aback as 5he taste was very strong. The smell was pure basil and I had to say no I am not going to try tea anymore, and was confused how this mitti ki chai will taste. Then came my tea…the person had got whole lot of things in his hand and I was like, what is he going to make tea right here on the table or what? Why has he come with his whole kitchenware? But the what he did was amazing. I was like…Woooow…oh nice. I took out my mobile and started to photograph him and asked my partner to film it for me, because I knew there and then that I have to write about it.

This is what the mitti ki chai was! And my first time tea! And believe me it was awsome. I fell in love with the taste and the texture and everyhing else. I told my love that I think I have become a fan of this and soon we will come back to this place for this tea. He laughed and laughed at my childish excitement but agreed readily.

We took our time to savour the taste of our teas and then after paying the bill he took hold of my hand and helped me out of the seat and then holding hands we came out of the cafe. While we were comming out a family of 6 came and they opted to sit in the garden, I wish one day I too sit there.

While on our way back he said that if you search whole heartedly you can find god! My reaction was nah! There’s no such thing as I don’t believe in this all then he said that I did find him….I had to laugh aloud to this remark and returned the favour by saying that he is not god but my soul himself, and for me soul is greater than God.( my belief, not to hurt any one)now it was his turn to laugh.Thus a loving tea date with my soulmate on a romantic day came to an end.

Recently I faced anxiety attack in its worst form and at worst time. I always feared it to occur in front of Him, know what? It happened in front of him, right at the moment when he was sharing something important about his work. Damn, how hard I tried to control but… ah well. He got angry and didn’t talk to me for the whole day, because he thought I was over reacting to the call about which he was telling.

Well, I try some techniques now and then to control it. And it does help me at the time. So sharing it with you all.

When anxiety attacks…

. Look around you.

.find five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you c an smell, and one thing you can taste.

It is called 5 senses meditation called grounding. It helps to refocus on your surroundings.

. Practice mindfulness, when you are busy and have not much time try to focus on the present, it will relax your mind.

. Be creative. Music, painting or any form of art. No need to be a star performer, only your expression of inner feelings will do.

. TO stay active keeps your mind diverted from the problem which triggers the anxiety.

. Dancing is another way to feel light hearted. It actually keeps you at high. Actually it does make you forget troubles and joy overflows, eyes spark and excitement oozes out. And you feel fresh.

Another way is to :

. breathe in for 4 seconds

. hold it for 7 seconds

. exhale for 8 seconds

. repeat once or twice.

This causes an automatic nervous system shift from sympathetic mode to parasympathetic mode. It even helps during the exams and presentations.

. Drink water. The cooler the better. Focus on sipping slowly and how you feel about it.

. If in room, go out or open the window to breathe in the fresh cool air. Focus on smells, sounds and temperature around.

. Get fidget or even a clicking pen to channelize your adrenaline.

. eat chocolate. Most favorite of mine.

. Taking shower. I feel that as the water runs down it takes away my pain and tension and relieves me leaving in light mood and stress free.

. Blowing bubbles makes you giggle as they pop.

. Go for a walk. Being out relaxes you and new surroundings divert your mind.

. Listening to some slow and soothing music relaxes the tensed muscles and mind.

These are the tricks and tips I follow randomly. And they do relax me. Hope I am of some help.

 

Soulmate Series- 2

Sitting at the aisle

Is my soul

Waiting for her mate….

One year Anniversary.

Oh my God!! Its a year and I don’t realize until get this notification saying one year anniversary.

I am so happy that I got this platform to share all my tears of joys and fears, happiness and sad moments. Moreover I found so good friends who are always there to listen and read all my thoughts or whatever is going in my head. I have found good souls to confide in and well wishers to encourage me and show the way, to lead me in the right direction.

Over all this collaboration has polished and honed the skills in me whether its as poetess or writer or amateur photographer.

I love reading random topics and equally enjoy watching the photo blogs as well as the travel blogs. When I am here I lost myself. There is so much to explore and learn.

I ma just loving it here. Thank you all.

 

Happy Anniversary with WordPress.com!

You registered on WordPress.com one year ago.

Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging.

Soulmate Series – 1

I was born with a pink mark on my left ring finger. Which denoted my soulmate was there somewhere in this world waiting to be reunited.

I didnot get the oppertunity to meet that soneone special. Ages have passed it seems and we both are bussy in our own worlds forgetting everything and losing hope to meet.

One evening I found out that my pink mark has changed to marroonish and suddenly I had the sinking feeling. I felt its a dreading feeling which is not new to me and with that I lost all my hopes to even see my soulmate. At this time of age when sun of youth and younger days is setting the last hope also started to vanish. Its not the first time but every birth we face the same destiny.

One gloomy morning my pink turned marroon mark turned black denoting the departure of my soulmate from this earthy plane. I don’t know whose mistake it was that still we are apart. Now again I have to wait but how many births, don’t know.

An empty feeling of nothingness fills in and I go on with my life waiting for my time to come to start a new journey in search for my long lost soulmate.