Sitting on the dining chair beside the window, holding her face in palm, she seemed to be lost. The sunlight making her already white hair more silvery. Tucking the greys behind her ear,released a sob, looking at the photo she was holding in her hand.
“Where did I go wrong?” Was all she could think of, when a wave of cold despair washed upon her. She was just a bubbly girl when they met. Going against her patents and everyone who cared, fighting her way to him, she had married him. Infact made everyone to bow on her terms, by hook or crook managed to bring their relation to marriage. He also at the time, was so eager and on edge that broke all the promises to his mother and moulded them to fulfil his wish to marry her. Both on their part went problems many folds.
But today siting here alone she was again lost in her dark world searching for some answers. Answers that were not destined to be found. Years passed but no answer came for the questions she carried in her mind, banging her head in vein. What happened that took live out of the air? He found his refuge in someone else… without even taking the courtsey to tell he rthat it was all over between them! Or was it really? This is the question keeps hitting hard.
It was that doomed day that she found about his relation. On confronting him he was quiet, quiet like a small kid who on being scolded by teacher for being guilty and few days later refuted like he was the grown up teenager who was not ready to admit that he was at fault. Later she was blamed for everything that happened? “What have I done to earn this? What is it that doesnt happen in other households or families? Even my own in-laws havethe flaw? Then why me being punished?” Nothing to be found as relief. Only the questions giving back more questions. More uneasiness.
Depression which once was a bird that flew overhead but never nested is now the permanent resident, along with friends like anxiety and panic attack. This too is blamed now on jer that she was a patient and its not his fault, infact its her leathergic ways and overpossessive nature that turned him away.
Bell on the door rang and she sprung form her darkness to full bright mom in action. Her children, for whom she was now alive, were her sole intrest. Though that ability was too countlessly questioned. She performed all her duties and chores, for the rest of the day, with all those head banging questions looming at thba k of her mind continuously nudgging her now and then.
Putting them to bed, she resumed her search again. Was this all for which they went through so much pain? Took risks, still hovering over them. Sipping her night coffee in her lounge, she stretched her neck back and rested on the headrest of the lounge. The light was dim, window open and cool breeze of the rainy day coming in bringing the wet smell of the greens from the fresh rain half an hour back. Still there was no sign of him. Phone rang, she picked up the phone ” hello?” “I’ll be late, going to a movie darling. Dont worry I will eat outside.” Was all he had said.
She closed her eyes and two drops of tears rolled down her eyes as she shut them. They were trying to be as normal as they could because none of them could leave eachother. He for his guilt and she for her stupid heart. Morning incident cherned in her mind like a film reel. When she had said “Am I good enough now, atleast?” To which he answered “Yes you are my dear. And am I not a better person now? Giving you more time and being there for you more than ever?” In her mind she answered could he not do this without ruining magic of their relation? Couldnt he be more loving before all this fall? But to him she said “No, you are not. ” He was amazed at this and asked ” tell me are you serious, didn’t I change a bit as a better husband?” “No.” Was her blunt reply.” May I know why?”he asked lovingly. “Because then you were mine and mine alone.” That was all she managed to say in a tearful voice.