Anxiety is sometimes is a real pain in the neck… It keeps you on the edge. A real unrest you experience. Its like something constantly nagging you untill what is desired happens…and when you know nothing can be done in the case, you just keep burning your energy in waste, you shout on others without any reason, you dont get the point, in any matter, you just are stamping un and down…anxious about the matter in concern and then suddenly you want to cry and go hide somewhere. And on top of it when you have the social anxiety attack….aaah..what to say!
Its a total hell if a situation you can not avoid nor live with it. Inside it feels like when it all will get over…somehow it should get over.?.some miracle should happen so you know nothing of the unpleasent event but it gets over…and everything should come to normal.
The feeling inside is unexplainable. But its like eating me up inside slowly and slowly and nibbling me, taking its own time causing a deep sharp pain…but then no one knows of it. For they see only a smile stuck upon the lips.
To whom should you turn? Everyone out there is waiting for you to do them a favour but are not intrested in what agony you are feeling. Sometime ps you just want to go missing or run away but all you can do is smilingly face the situation while dieing inside at tue same timel. But you should be very careful that your wrath doesnt fall on your lived ones, specially kids, or else you will be very sorry and guilt wont let you be happy and again giving the other demon, depression, to raise its head.
All of this is a vicious cycle. A one which wont let you be you.
From my face you don’t know what’s going in my mind. My eyes are somewhere and my mind is thinking something else. Sometimes my sight is stuck at some point but my thoughts are completely something else. Sometimes my mind has dual thought processing at the same time. Which means eys looking at a scene mind has two thoughts at the same time…like one thought is about my life, the other one at the same time about him with his life. Sometimes its really hard to tell whats going on in my mind from the look on my face. Occasionally tear rolls out of the eye’s corner and reaches the corner of my lips and its then I myself come to know the condition of my mind, shocking? Yes it is for me atleast. I then rub it off as if nothing happened, because I dont have any other option, no one’s there to understand what I go through when I am left alone in the xompany of my mind. So much muddling of contrasting rhoughts, attacking eachother and harming no one but me, in anycase. This is the reason I hate my company, it suffocates me. I have nothing in my control but a battle inside turn into war inside out, with myself. I feel so helpless and hopeless that I just want to do something, which is not good for anyone. But my badluck I cannot do even that, you know why? Because I have two small kids, I have to look towards them and stop myself. Life is becoming miserable day by day. How long I will pull up, I don’t know. But sometimes the thoughts are dangerous when you are lonely, no one to listen to you, understand you and look in the depth of your soul and realise how bad you are hurt.
All said, I have only one thing to request, I will keep fighting and won’t give up. For the sake of my children, my love for him, my new found love for my words and pen, to tell stories of all kind, to lwt others like me know that its hard to get rid of our condition but its not impossible to keep fighting against, either. We can fake a smile and enjoy moments so that sometimes our mind may get confused and leave us at peace for sometime, so that we can enjoy life in real for a while atleast. When the pang of depression strikes again, we have some peaceful and beautiful memories to give us strength and hope that atleast there are some light spots in this dampest of place, and if bad days have surrounded us, the good days are nit far behind.
I know we cannot get rid of this darkness once it has kissed us but we can surely get the control in our hands, with little practice. And rest we have to keep fighting with it on and off, all our lives.
I know I should not be lingering on this side of the terror but can’t help it. How hard I try, I find myself standing on the same spot, where I started from. I Tey not to look this side of the line, where I actually am positioned but there are days when my yes are good to the very spot. The other days I try to look on the brighter side, I laugh, I joke, I pretend to enjoy so that I can be happy again but the harsh reality throws me this side and as if strongly warns me that this is the side where I am supposed to stay for the rest of my life, dare to move and you’ll be thrown back here.
I know to everyone I must seem as looser who doesn’t want to stand up again but my problem is that my pain is alive, which breaths, eats, smells and has a heart beat…and yes has a powerful presence in my life through my hubby. Sometimes I just don’t want to breathe myself, because when it’s memories knock my mind, my heart goes down to hell, in darkness where I cannot breathe…lefts me gasping. It’s so disheartening and feels like I am tied in sack and a tight rope is tied upon and am left in so dark deep see of vacuum.
Today is that day…so please forgive me when I am blabbering some nonsense… believe me I am trying to hold on…I have two small kids…For their sake…For my love…its not fair in this world that if one loves to the fullest the other should not necessarily return the favour…They may dither. But still I forgive because I love so deeply..that it’s ruining me and no one knows….I know how to smile….and when…but not today … not now…forgive me.
Such a big number!
After all I made it. I took long but I made it. Didn’t leave or gave up in between. I wrote about my experiences, feelings, pain and love, my thoughts, ideas, everything.
Basically, it was about my darkest thoughts I’ve written about, no actually shared my deepest feats and what all is eating me up inside. I wrote what I could not share with anyone around me, and when I shared in words, my heart felt light.
Whatever I wrote, to calm my mind, You, all great people out there supported me, showered me with blessings and understanding.
You gave me kind words to heal my inner self, you told me that I can write my heart and that’s not wrong. I may not be a big writer but You all treated me alike. Gave me hopes and trust in myself that I can use words in a proper form, to let myself out and everything was supported.
Your encouragement brought me till the 100th post. Hope to get same love and support further.
A person can have 4 soulmates in a life. It doesnt mean all are love relations.
That said, my story unfolds, with me very young still in grade 9, we came back to our home town, after many years of travelling with father on transfers. All those years my schooling was done in one of the best missionary convent schools of northern India. Coming to our home town, gave me chance to change my school, though my parents wanted me to continue the same school here too, but i was admunt to the idea of changing the school, the readon being my childhood friend. She asked me to join the school in which she was studying. So I got the admission.
But that was that. There we got very little chance to see eachother as she was in different section. Though i befriended hwr classmate, who was again from the same residential area as mine. We started going in the same school van, our stop was same.
Gradually, we became best of friends, in school – out of school. That friendship continued even after we took our seprate ways in life after school. Though, there was a long gap of time when we were not in touch…once in a year or so we talked to each other…but some how we had all the information about whats happening in our respective lives. She went through emotional breakdown in life, when I tried to comfert her and kept her persuading to look ahead in her life, to the brighter side. Eventually, she made through it. The crisis in her life was gone. When we again met after gap of long, lonely years, for a very short period,she was married and was going to be a mom soon.
Again, she went away to some far away place but in the same city. I kept in touch with jer parents, who once in a blue moon, gave me her whereabouts and whats going on her part.
Years passed, and I fell in love with my man. Got married to him. Meanwhile, got to see her parents once ot twice but unfortunately had no chance to talk to them.
Cut to 3 years back. I was visiting my brother, like i do in every summer vaccation.
In my heart i knew she too must be nurturing our schooldays’ memories. When after long gap of 12 years we saw eachother, it was too dramatic, as like out of some fantasy fiction novel. My children and her daughter and her husbamd were just shoxked and amazed. They were not able to make out what was the matter, why were their mothers were screaming and running towards each other with hands held up and open. And that late evening, in the dark corner of turn on the road, where my scooter broke down, seemed so bright and glowing.
Next day she came to my brother’s house with her daughter. We chatted and chatted for hours. Time seemed like having wings to fly away. Still we had so much to catch up. All twenty years to be sumed up in that small meet. Well, then I didn’t know what was the purpose of reunion at that time, we just enjoyed that reunion. And celebrated it. We still are in touch and get to see each other whenever I go to visit my brother, 1000s of miles from here. She keeps on sending beautifully sung songs, (oh, didn’t mention that she is a trained si get who sang for some music company and private albums, back then) and we do make video calls now and then. No matter if some days, weeks or months go bye without one on one chat or calls, but we send messages to eachother. And talk on the first given opportunity, because it seems so empty or lonely if we don’t get in touch.
Now I know why all this happened, why we met when we did after so many years and it seemed like nothing has changed and we took up from where we left. In fact, yesterday it dawned upon me that my childhood friend was just a medium to bring us together. It was decided or may be we both have written an agreement that she will console me as I did to her. But she in a bigger sense.
The year we met again, three years back, is a significant year in my life. I broke down to shambles. It was for her, that I am still in my senses, alive and coping to overcome the misery. I owe a lot to her, it was her companionship that made me strong. Her comferting words and assurences that everything will be ok, hang on just long enough, don’t give up. Keep on trying, atleast for the sake of your children and my favourite song in her voice..
All made me to fight for myself, for my love and my children’s future. Today I am still getting positivity from her, may be a balance from last time. But whatever, I found my another soulmate in my bestie.
Though we didn’t meet since last two years but I know we are connected within, at the soul level. Her love for me and my respect for her never gonna die. We are together in whatever life throws at us. And I pray everyone gets a friend like her in life so that it becomes easy to pass through all the lives easily, knowing that you have someone to turn to. Who really is there, cares and understands. A true soul friend.