Why I know you are my soul mate.

You are my Soulmate….

How do I know? … well, I just know because I feel it that way. A deep-down knowledge of some unknown past. From the source which is not related to my present but still there is some connection between you and me, which goes back to the ages we have lived together before this life. There is some resentment left and the anger you feel and direct towards me, which we try a lot to solve and we do solve most of the time…but then again, the issue arises as if its not there to settle, how can it? Because it is from the unknown source and might seem irrelevant to this life. Again, me trying to please you every time as if sitting on edge. Why all this, you know? Just because from last time, which we both don’t remember, but I understand, I want to love you even more and more.

Unlike others, I never felt shaking of hands or legs, my heart never went pounding or up an down neither knees went weak but I felt some sort of calmness and as if in a unending search I came to a halt, was at peace. It was never like I found someone new or unknown to me but someone who I already knew and who was unknowingly waiting for me. I found the endless source of inspiration to dip in my unexplained experiences, some sorted relaxations and peaceful at heart. On finding you I felt like my soul recognized you and was overjoyed at our reunion. The reunion of our souls. As if exclaiming in unbelief that here you are, I was looking for you in the whole universe like a mad. And then my soul said to yours You’re the one I was looking for all through the time and waiting so now when I have found you, I give you myself and the heart, which belongs to you from eternity till eternity.

I know I am not perfect neither are you, but I believe that we are perfect for each other, no matter what the differences come they are resentments from past life and I hereby pledge that I won’t keep any on or against you this time so that we can be at more peace, if we meet. I am your once and only retreat for love, I am here to churn things up in your life through anyway possible. Not always sugar and sweet smell but normally roses come with thorns, so am I standing in your way up to you in every possible way only I can but no one else will or can. If I talk on your part, you never have let me sit calmly, you always made me question my existence, my likings, wishes and choices. Above all you made me rethink over my decisions, changing my reality and making a phase in my life which was before you entered my life and now when you are there.

You are the one irreplaceable, not even in my dreams. No one can and will ever take your place in my life, ever, if you are to leave me someday. You are not my choice but my destiny. That’s the reason I say you are not merely a love of life but the soulmate I spent my lifetimes with. Victoria Ericson once said ‘Soulmates aren’t the ones who make you the happiest, no. They are instead the ones who make you feel the most, burning edges, scars and the stars. Old pains and pangs, captivation and beauty, strain and shadows and worry and yearning. Sweetness and madness and dreamlike surrender. They hurl you into the abyss. They taste like hope.

You know what? Why are you not able to leave me? Or me leave you? Its not just the love we have for each other but the connection we share at soul level, ours is oldest relationship. There are times when I can read you but just stay quiet or show that I didn’t understand because you need your own time to understand things and analyze the situation. We are mentally and spiritually connected. I knew instantly that you are the one who deserves my heart. For you I went through all the pain since my childhood to my heartbreak at present, only just to experience the real sweetness of your love and understand the essence of it, after all the bitterness.

You complete me, the time is never sufficient for us, it seems its flying away and I crave for more and its endless craving. You have always tried to channelize my energy to something higher, to the universe. Its because of you I came to trust Sai Baba. You are the one who broke me and then put me together, at least is trying to bring light back in my dark life. When I was about to breakdown and vanish into the thin air, time and again you appeared to support me, to lift me. You mend my heart by giving me yours and then broke me again by taking it back and then tried to put me together by trying to place the replica of your heart. There were times when were hiding from each other but one sudden day we appeared to face each other because souls have same place to hide. Since then we are clinging to each other. You do try to stretch the bond between us to extreme but then come back, I on my part try to hide but return to you, reason being same that we are two halves of same soul. Coco J. Ginger says ‘Soulmates are muses. The people in your life, you despise, disrespect and desire the most.’

This is what goes so true in our case. You despise me, disrespect me and on the same hand desire me the most. I am your muse, to whom you return every time, no matter how far you may go. I am your resting point, reassurance for your soul. You are the soul I can connect to, on every level. I never found you, but it’s for my soul that recognized you, the moment I saw you. The soul was working upon its miracle in union with universe to bring us back together and my heart was beating to the rhythms of old known beats from the time not related to the present. The moment I saw you for the first time I did not fall in love but sensed a familiarity and then slowly sunk in the feeling of easiness and comfort your companionship brought. I am not talking in the terms of soulmate as a word or a phrase but a rarest connection I really experience with you. And thus, I know our connection is real. Even though your attraction seems to end but your love continues. The attraction is just a beginning, but love is endless connection of the souls for the eternity. And the vibes of love we have for each other cannot be replaced by any other love story you might hog upon. The one we share is from times unknown but new ones just come and join in between like distractions and stay as guilt upon the soul. But I hereby free you from the feeling of that guilt by accepting what it is, as your happiness. Next when we come to this earth, you can be free of this guilt and lead a happy fulfilling life without any problems and weightage on your soul. Because that poor thing is not to be blamed. I may try to run away from you as far as I can, to avoid you but I know we will always end up together because we are old soul mates. The same applies to your likings too, even you cannot stay away from me for long. You have to return to me because we are destined to.




Once again…

Some times it felt that he understands what I go through, he feels sorry for what he did to me. But now my all misunderstandings are cleared.

Whatever I use tontell him, he only heard it but never understood, not a single word of it. My all tears were in vain. Now I am again standing on the point from where I started my journey few years back…all alone and lonely. No one to support, not a single soul to console me.

Suddenly everything has lost its meaning and every moment has become empty. New emptyness, meaninglessness, painful feelings have entered my soul, afresh.

I am like on staring into the blank with a confused look in eyes and on face, still not getting why am here and above all why in the first place did I entered this relation, jsut to face this situation? No, I mean sometimes I find myself wondering is this my ppave, 7s this my home, or am I at someone’s place and using their rights as my own. Have I made a mistake and taken someome else’s place, so the condition? Whatever it is, I dont feel it right. I am desprate to just leave everything and go hiding in some unknown place.

Just done with my quota of pain. I cannot bear anymore. I am totally broken, just one more blow, a single one even a slightest blow and I am gone. Gone for good and ever. So fragile I have become.

Hope there is something which holds me up tightly for few more days, just in case someday everything might turn into right direction. Or may be I become more tough to resist the blows.

If nothing comes in my support, I wish, wellwishes of people who feel deep and understand the pain, are with me. Thanks all of you for lending an ear, understanding and extanding support. My hearty wishes and prayers reach out to you all.

Don’t I deserve little treats now and then?

I thought of swirling with you on a sweet tune of my favourite song just even for a few seconds, if not for longer. Because i wanted to distract my mind from pain, the pain which is so sharp and piercing, the pain which is incurable, so deep, so unwanted but unavoidable.

It cannot be treated as the wound of it, is not visible and its said the wouns which are nor seen are deeper and most painful because what you cannot see you cannot treat. And people dont understand that kind of pain because its not present for them to see and they believe in what they see. It cannot be felt by others so its sort of non existent for them. They do not know what the hell I am going through. Its making me forgetting all my likings and hobbies.

And in my mind its making me feel its presense every second. There are moments when it overpowers me and I just want to hide behind the darkness and sulk . They call me lazy, careless, ignorant, forgetful and what not. Dont miss a chance to hurt me. Someimes I doubt whether they understand my condition or not? But then they say they do, its me who should try to comeout of it and shrug that darkness, it makes me confused about them amd me both. Sometimes I feel am I really wantedly doing this all, this heartbreaking and life threatening thing? No certainly not, I am going through something that really exists and its eating me up internally and I am fighting it with all my might. I know I have only one life to live and fulfill my dreams so I cant let it take away all my happiness and the colors from it. Its really hard to cope but still I am trying to ignore it, step over it run from it, ahead of it, in short doing everyhing just to put it at the back of the mind so that it bothers me less.

The best remedy is his company, him understanding me and the worst trigger is just opposite of it. So, I think I really deserve some little treats as treatment. Don’t I?

Home sweet home.

The Perfectly Imperfect Bunch

In my paternal home which is located 40 kms from Jaipur, and is very old, people say they have seen an old man in white attaire with long white beard along with a big and very long snake, which too has a beard. They are mostly seen by people who are not from the family or the people who enter the place with wrong intensions.

We’ve been living in that place since genrations and never encountered any such thing. Still people are afraid of entering the place after the dusk falls. Recently an old lady who was appointed to do ‘pooja’ daily in a small family temple located in the oldest part of the house, which also is hovered by the looming hills, got her leg fractured. When she was asked how it happened? She said she saw someone in white attire with long white beard who appeared sad or…

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Just a thought

My cupboard is something I dread to open. It’s like everything will fall down on me. I have stuffed it with odd things. And I am not able to bring myself to organise it. The mere thought gives me nightmare. Same is the condition of my mind. When I try to pull on one thought everything starts bombarding on me. I just cnut bare the pain. I am affraid of my mind. The inward journey even to the happy moments tumble up everything. My thoughts….OMG! I am scared of thinking anything now a days. One tug at a single thought …lo! the bundle of buried memories of love by gone, the trust laid out, everything that was dear to me, laughter, desires, color and dreams, all come rolling down upon me causing pain.

Why I am so? Some times I do ask myself but then no answer can be found so instead leave it aside and close the mind and it’s current thought process and try to focus on something g which will drive me away from the pain and the nightmare I am living through.

Oh, on a lighter note, I like to remind me one thing always when I cross this thought, that mine is (was?)a true love and that is why I am walking through my worst nightmare. One day will surely come (a bleak hope) when my love will smile back at me (just for me). I will be the only one (oh so gravely I wish) who will have het place back.

Designing Your Life

“There’s a science to planning

Your life well.”    

          The most Important lesson of the life now a days is to design our lives which highlights the need of concern for our personal being rather then materialistic desires. All we need is a right approach to design our lives. We should be living the lives with as much little stress as possible to start designing our future. All the specific variables of our goals should be aligned so that they fit in properly. And our motive should be intentional rather then ideas of instable mind because we cannot change anything which has been done but of course our future is something we can make according to our choice and that’s where the beauty of planning lies.

Goal – Centric Questions.

We should be asking ourselves a question that how we want to live our life from this day onwards. That is we should be in charge of our life in every walk may it be work or personal. Be it health regarding question or relation. The more specific the question the more concrete the path to change. The lifestyle we are living today has made us a mechanical being who is programmed according to the set of rules and is running round the clock without pausing or getting bit of personal time. Always a tic toc of time buzzing to finish off everything before the deadline. In this kind of scenario, one must have a designing tool kit handy to bring a change a positive one. We need to decide which direction we want to go rather then being in a herd, running to one direction blindfolded. The focusing areas must be made clear and one should be cautious and passionate about them. Author Jen Sincero opines that if you want to live a life you’ve never lived, you have have to do things you’ve never done.

Easy To Apply Changes.

The life plan must be implemented with easy experiments, where we do things to approach our goals. It is critical but worth giving a try on daily basis, until it becomes a routine. A regular journaling practice can be a good and easy approach to do so. Anything, from a short walk in nature to coffee shop or park bench would do. Take out as little as 10 to 15 minutes a day and think over what all has occurred in our life and what measures we taken or will take to handle it.

Building Strong Mind Not Bank Balance.

We don’t know when or how many times our life is going to give us a jolt. Life is like a roller costar ride, who knows when we are upside down or simply thrown out of balance. A mind is always on a constant move through the different sort of thoughts. Thus, having a mental tool kit to fix the mood swings or the lows of life, as and when required, to move on, is a necessity. The situation requires us to build a strong mind so that we can go through such unstable situation swiftly and be stable. This requires the strong mind and the bank balance. Practicing all this we should not forget the chaos daily routine and small work needing our attention, make. Measures to minimize their negative impact on our moods should be taken. Once these petty tensions are taken care of, we get plenty of time to concentrate properly on the long term goals of our life, which are far more easy to achieve.



My thoughts and laundry.

In my small living room or should I call it an open space just outside the room, in a corner I have kept a place for the laundry when I take it off the wire when it’s dried. 

I keep piling it as long as I can. I mean I just don’t have the heart to fold them neatly and keep them in the respective place. Call me a lazy person or whatever you may like but I can’t do it. Though I tried many times but after doing it once I am back to ground zero. It starts piling up again. I know it looks ugly but then it’s hidden from everyone’s eyes. Only I see it as it’s in my approach. And one day when it can no longer take the burden of clothes the heap starts falling down then I try to tuck them up and it doesn’t help instead creates extra work for me. So without any wish to sort that mess out I have to put them in their respective place which gives me tension and I do it so disgracefully that it looks so unorganised in my cupboard. In my hubby’s and kids cupboard it’s all managed because for them I have to keep it neat and cleanly organised but when it comes to my clothes I am always clumsy and mismanaged. 

Today a thought striked me that same goes with my thoughts too. They keep on building up in my mind and I keep storing them. It’s not that I don’t want to express them but have no heart or guts.  I don’t know why whenever I think to write or say them my mind stops me from doing so. They keep piling in my head, the thoughts of all kind and nature. It feels so stuffy in there that I start suffocating of my own thoughts.  I did try many a times to sort them out but I am always confused, worried, anxious and so much more.

When I try to write them down the mind is in such a rush that it is not properly organised and what I write I myself don’t understand. But at least I am free of burden and for a while I feel free and light. But this feeling is not for long my thoughts start storing up again as I am so clumsy and anxious to sort them out. I feel concious to express and besides it feels better that they should stay in my mind where no one can read, feel or understand or misunderstand them and thus no pain, all locked up sagely no matter how? But then it again starts suffocating again and I have to force myself to express them, in any manner and in any condition whether sorted and organised properly or not. It comes down on the pages of my diary or the screen, and stored. Now a days I even burden you people out with the over flow of the thoughts.

Whatever I do, how much I write and express…I come to ground zero every time with more of the thoughts forming up in mind. Some are beautiful,some are pitiable and some are full of anger. Hope I am able to hide some of the ugliness of my mind and thoughts when I put them on display. Here I go anxious again and blabbering out something or the other. The vicious cycle of thoughts downloading and uploading keeps on going and my mind keeps cherning but not pouring out outcome of this.

I take your leave or else will keep on going on like this may be for eternity or at least as long as it takes my mind to be empty.

Image: whisper

Wreck Diving Site

Once upon a time there was huge steam ship loaded with passengers leaving a charming town. But, the ill fated ship sank with all of its 400 passengers on board. Ever since, the location where the ship sank in the sea has been haunted, with the souls of the gloomy, dead passengers haunting whoever passes by at night. They moaned take out their anger on the living, begging for attention and some relief from their afterlife.

This is the popular legend of a ship wreck in the fishermen community of the city of port…Vizag a.k.a. Visakhapatnam. Till recent it was nothing more then a story for bedtime and to scare the toddlers. Some even went to say that they have felt the touch of someone on their backs, when they ventured there to fish in the night. And avoid fishing there in the night. Or they make large groups if needed to go in that area but mostly wont catch fish there.

Even the mere mention of the spooky wreck site raises fear in the fishermen. Ask them and they will start telling you that they heard the story from their father and him from his father. They don’t know the correct time and reason for the ship wreck but are sure that there is an area in Bay of Bengal haunted by the spirits of the doomed passangers’ spirits. One of them told that his father was 85 years old and according to him the ship sank about 300 years ago.

But why do they feel so scared of the site? In an answer to this question they say that they have encountered many miss happenings and seen apparitions there. And even heard some miserable sounds. So venturing there is a strict no – no for them. For years now the fishing community of Bheemunipatnam has this belief that the area 30 kms north near the famous light house of Santhapalli Rocks about 12 kms into the sea is a dangerous zone and doomed site, a place where ghostly spirits lived deep in the fathoms of the Bay of Bengal and no boats returned safe.

At the time of British empire, the government had built a light house in the year 1840 because the seabed there is rocky and dangerous. Says historian Edward Paul.

On December 21 morning, Scuba Diver Balram Naidu who is running a Scuba diving institute in the city from last 3 years and his team went on for the search for the aforesaid wreck site. And he stumble upon the remains of the ship. Actually he was searching the site from last three years with the help from the fishing community. They used to show him the possible wreck site and he with his team dived into the deep waters. Thus being lucky this time he finally discovered it. Though he was warned about the mysterious happenings and that it was life threatening to venture in that area. But as he was determined, he didn’t hesitated and went with his plan, which obviously paid off his hard work.

The visibility under the sea water is very clear. The aquamarine life there is very rich. Specially the remainants of the ship hold a variety of it. Much has to be studied along the coast which would show up many other wreck sites.

While the cause or reason of the sinking of the ship, its origin and history need to be further explored as its still a mystery, has Balram and the team in excitement. According to Balram finding of coral in the sea few weeks back and now this wreck site, Vizag has a great potential for scuba diving site, thanks to the rich aqua marine life, clear water visibilities. Apart from tis Balram is planning to present a proposal to tourism department to turn Vizag into wreck diving destination. This on being materialised would give civilians a chance to visit the wreck of PNS Ghazi.Apart from these two ship wrecking site debris of another good ship probably century old, lies at the continental beach near Dolphin hills. He hopes that doing so might turn tourism scenerio not only in Vizag but all over India.

Desires not Wishes.

Hmmm…the first month of new year already a week old. And we all are still struggling with our wishes and resolutions but tell you what? I am not into this madness. I don’t have resolutions at all. I only have heart felt desires. And I believe that one day I am going to make it big anyhow. Because desires are something more powerfully backed up with intense willingness  to fulfill them.

And my desires are not in much. Not so many at least. Only 2 or 3 at maximum. First is to keep writing and writing and writing, that brings us to second which is to work more on my book ‘ Fighting  with My Inner Devils’ and the last one is to materialize my dream to own my channel on You Tube about abandoned places and buildings.

I am working hard on latter one. Actually it requires thorough research and pre work. I know I have to do lot before starting it but believe me its kind of dream which requires me to spend some sleepless nights just to realize it. As of the book I’ve completed the intro, first chapter and started second one. I will do the proof reading and editing later on, that is after completing. And writing will anyhow continue. And one day I will write the script for the movie I am dreaming of since my teenage. And hope that it will be somewhere soon in the near future.

Hope one day soon I will be talking about them in present tense and how I feel after accomplishing all these dreams.

This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.