I lost the one person

I thought I would never loose

And now I am all alone, though

I may not look alone physically

But mentally there is no one in sight

So apt are the words for my present situation. I am too lost that I don’t see any way out. I just hold on to my pen as my rescue. My thoughts wander a lot, but just in my head. My fingers tapping on the keys give the vent to my feelings and thats all I have as my compny.

200 is a great number…

I am bery blessed to hbe get the appreciations and encouragement from so many beautiful people. I started my journey without any expectations and used to write just for me, to let out my supressed emotions, raw feelings, pain and once or twice anger. But as the time passed many friends, well wishers joined in and hold hansds in hand to make a great and strong chain of support.

Because of you all good souls today I am what I am. You taught me so many things, and made me remeber few forgotten ones. Showed me new ways and gabe me new ideas. I never thought I will ever write a story, that to a fiction one, but see your encouragement made me do that too and you all have shown love and showered blessings to my raw efforts.

I feel more liable now, in case of writing. Should write rationally and not just rants(though ranys are the major part of my writings and am sorry for that but this blog was started for that). But I now try to write something senseful, to do justice to your faith and believe in my caliber as a writer.

Thanks for being there. To stand by me.

Rail of my thoughts-2

The scars and wounds of love betrayal are so deep that they never heal. They stay there to remind us of our pain amd loss. Loss of love, faith, life and intrest in everything we ever loved.

The pain never goes, it keeps on simmering below the put up smile and made up face. The fake intrest in life makes it more harder to love life. All the lost dreams and bursted desires, ambitions stand aside and keep teasing us making funny faces at our attempts to fake them.

This genrates the broken trust and dysfunctional nelief system. Which ulti ately leabes a person so lonely and irritated that they start building a wall more higher and from this captivity they themselves can never come out. Lonely souls wandering in the sea of people. You don’t have anyone to share your feelings with,no one to wipe tour tears when you cry, but you become so numb that you dont even cry.

People like me have foumd one source of ranting out the whole thing which is on their mind, through writing and expressing whatever bothers them. Maintaining a diary or a journal is like a copy of converstion with people. You tell everything to it, I mean write every feeling’s each word assuming that You are talking to a person and sharing tour thougjts and ideas. Sometimes tearing off or burning of the pages gives even more satisfaction. This trick may not work 100% for everyone but it does slow downs the pace of racing thoughts. Giving you some control ober your life and time to take right decisions to make your life better if not perfect.

What betrayal did to me..!

So strong is the feeling of Betrayal that I feel Betrayed by my words. The flow is not constant, the feelings are not sustainable. I am just blabbering some or the other thing now and then, ’cause that too is not constant and how could it be when my words have betrayed me. No words, no feelings … no me. I am just finished. The pain is so deep and so strong that everything has numbed. There are times when I can not feel, express or share anything. This is what the betrayal has done to me.

Days pass and turn to weeks but I am still holding a pencil but the page is white as milk and when screen stares blankly at my face as if I am a hollogram of myself, its then I realise the emptyness within me. When I look into the mirror I see someone who looks like me but is not me. The home which used to be mine holds me like a stranger. I dont know how much more damage has been done, I am just on my trail to hunt for the treasure of pain. Every new day is a new discovery.

If today my flow is looking continued, then pray, it stays longer this time. I want to tell many stories, write many poems and lot more I can do with my words. I can find myself or atlest hold on to life.

Love you all wonderful people out there who give me strength and encouragement.

Image Source: Steemit

I wrote today…

Hey friends want to share my happiness with you all.

First is that one of my poems got selected and published in poetry section of the newspaper.

Second is that today I re-read and made amends to the second chapter of my book, the first draft been proof read for the first time and wrote the third chapter, but it took bit long to complete it as I kept editing on the go…and will proof read it either tomorrow or … no not tomorrow but soon.

I know for many of you its not a big deal but for me its really something. Because whenever I sit to write, I get scared and sad as I have to go through all the heartbreaking experience and relive the moments. Sometimes it triggers my depressive mood which prolongs for days. Even editing takes a toll on my emotions and you will not believe me when I say I even cry for hours while and after writing. So thats the reason its an accomplishment for me and I want to share with you all and that too without crying, atleast not as much I normally do.

Sorry for embarrassing you.

Cappuccino on flight.

Again just after one month, Iam in flight back to my brother’s place, for my children’s summer breaks.

As you all know I am a coffee buff, here also when I saw its on the menu, couldn’t stop myself from ordering one. The taste is awesome and its served piping hot. To tell you that why I am writing this post because that Iam ordering it for the first time on flight.

The combination of three things is deadly. Oh! You may think what three things then I must clear myself here that my love for coffe is first thing, finding it here onboard is second thing and the joy of meeting my brother and his family is third thing. Thus the combination is giving me high. The relaxation I am deriving from it is unexplainable. The aroma of coffee,and the scene out of the flight window…that is something requires admiration. In the crystal blue sky, white cottony wool clouds floating like little boats in the wide sea give me the feel that I am out there in the sky sitting on one of the soft cloud and sipping my hot cappuccino, looking arround the vast endless blue, which surrounds me and engulfs me into a deep serenity. This is filling my heart with calmness.

I wish this feeling to continue as it is making me forget all the worries and relxing my mind so much that I want to close my eyes and loose myself but doing so will make me doze off which means I will miss the chance to enjoy the beauty and wont be able to give the first hand description of what I am feeling and enjoying.

A mug of coffee can do so much. It boosts my spirit, gives my imagination a push, uplifts my mood and doubles the joy of the moment.

I love coffee, I really do and wont get bored of it anytime. Even the meremention of it makes me crave for a cuppa. Then rest is taken care of by its magic. Even the aroma of coffee is so magical that it carries me to places, gives me thoughts, even words and stories are inspired by it. I can go on writing about coffee or something imspired by it, but in half an hour flight is about to land soIhave to come out of my imagination and finish off my coffee and get ready to land.