Soulful Desire

Words are my forte whether written or spoken. It’s like my mind is always munching on them in form of thoughts. And every time my mind keeps changing the direction of thoughts. But then it’s no fault of mine or even my mind’s because I am Gemini, and above said are two of the many traits of this zodiac.

Today what my mind is feeding on is a thought of after life, souls, soul mates.  Actually yesterday night I saw a movie, though it was a comedy one but had the topic properly interwoven in it.

For a long time the thought of afterlife lingered in my mind that even in my dreams I saw myself facing the situation myself. Though I don’t remember the dream but I can tell the exact time when it occured to me that I am dreaming, it was 6 in the morning when the alarm went off.

Since then was thinking that I too want to stay back as a kind soul and watch over my children and husband. I want to see my husband missing me but then I know it’s not possible. But I do believe in the theory of soul mates,  and strongly believe that me and my husband are twin flames, and couple of my friends I know in this birth are my soul mates, accompanying me from previous births. And recently I had a notion saying that my younger brother is my father of my previous birth.

The family I am presently living in has a strong connection with my previous birth, may close friends or relatives whom I may owe some debt and to pay that off have come to them. But there is one more person whom I haven’t met in person but looms in my present day life that it has caused me immense pain…towards that person I have strong opinion that the person might be my sibling in previous birth who did wrong to me or may be a bestie. I get very little notion of doing wrong towards that person.

From past 1 and a half year I am looking for a way that frees me from either birth again or at least I don’t meet some people from this life, even if it means a heart ache of life times, if I do meet by any chance I would like to turn and runaway. But as we can’t remember so I want not to meet them. And guess what I have found for this, spiritualism says we should forgive and let go and move on. So I already did this, in connection to not to carry any grudge, anger or hate towards them, which could form the basis of our rebirth or reunion. I don’t fear the rebirth, but what I fear is reunion and again all the heart ache and everything. Why I am so sure of this is because I have very strong and deep feeling of this incident’s re occurrence

Need of the hour… to find myself.

I need to find me. On my way to myself. I haven’t find me yet. My demons may be quiet for a while now but they do exist and wait for the reason to wake, and take a deep breath which they hold on for so long and then they slowly crawl back to my ears, wrap my mind around and falls the darkness. I just know one thing for sure even in this darkest hour of mine that I am afraid of happyness because whenever I am happy something worst happens. But still I am strong enough to fight against all the bad that has happened to me. I am working on myself for myself by myself. Though the depression stays their in the head like a wound that never heals and I have to be careful not to touch upon the points that trigger it and everything goes fuushh..! Though it keeps nagging in there all the time. I am bit tired of explaining to others about it because they make their on point of views according to their perceptions.

I am tired of even myself for trying to hold on when I should have given up, of being strong, of hiding my tears and keep smiling even when it was killing me inside. It is ruining me to answer all, about me being ok or fine when I just want to cry my heart out, shout out about my broken heart and damaged trust. I want to tell, I want to share so may be I might find a way out of this dark place I am prisoner of ,from so many years and lately chains tied to my feet and thrown into the dangerous water to drown with the weight of my own guilt and suffering. The malicious mind is playing bad tricks but heart, it wants to heal, wants to rejoice and experience happiness once again.

I have started questioning myself, searching my inner depths, connecting to my higher self, trying to open my mind’s eye above the physical plane. Asking the universe to heal me, to give me peace, establish connection. On the other hand I am taking my writing skills to another level, I am writing and writing and losing myself in it. Something’s to opening up somewhere deep down. Some sad feelings are again turning and twisting but I am writing them down, basically I am trying to acknowledge my pain so that I can forgive them completely simultaneously I am nervous and afraid of the dark feeling again, that pain and agony, I don’t want to go through it again. I have learned very hard how to suppress and bury my pain and pricking thorns into the corner of my heart where I can ignore them without knowing their presence, but I am also enjoying my writing, it also has gone to upper level in this process of healing. I am in dilemma, what’s happening, what to do, where am I heading, definitely I am not going to stop but afterwards what? What will be my situation. But for now I know of sure that while I am writing for that brief period I am disconnected with everything else, I feel nothing except my content of writing. The numbness, hollowness and the emptyness for a while takes a back seat. For that moment I become alive completely engrossed in it. After putting the pen down kind of withdrawal symptom is experienced. For a while I feel dejected. Every time I want to return back to my writing or more to reading if not writing.

The emotional turmoil I am going through is very dangerous either I will be ruined completely or I will learn to cope and live with my depression. I don’t know where I am going but I am on my way to find myself and that’s for sure.