Anxiety.

Anxiety is sometimes is a real pain in the neck… It keeps you on the edge. A real unrest you experience. Its like something constantly nagging you untill what is desired happens…and when you know nothing can be done in the case, you just keep burning your energy in waste, you shout on others without any reason, you dont get the point, in any matter, you just are stamping un and down…anxious about the matter in concern and then suddenly you want to cry and go hide somewhere. And on top of it when you have the social anxiety attack….aaah..what to say!

Its a total hell if a situation you can not avoid nor live with it. Inside it feels like when it all will get over…somehow it should get over.?.some miracle should happen so you know nothing of the unpleasent event but it gets over…and everything should come to normal.

The feeling inside is unexplainable. But its like eating me up inside slowly and slowly and nibbling me, taking its own time causing a deep sharp pain…but then no one knows of it. For they see only a smile stuck upon the lips.

To whom should you turn? Everyone out there is waiting for you to do them a favour but are not intrested in what agony you are feeling. Sometime ps you just want to go missing or run away but all you can do is smilingly face the situation while dieing inside at tue same timel. But you should be very careful that your wrath doesnt fall on your lived ones, specially kids, or else you will be very sorry and guilt wont let you be happy and again giving the other demon, depression, to raise its head.

All of this is a vicious cycle. A one which wont let you be you.

Don’t I deserve little treats now and then?

I thought of swirling with you on a sweet tune of my favourite song just even for a few seconds, if not for longer. Because i wanted to distract my mind from pain, the pain which is so sharp and piercing, the pain which is incurable, so deep, so unwanted but unavoidable.

It cannot be treated as the wound of it, is not visible and its said the wouns which are nor seen are deeper and most painful because what you cannot see you cannot treat. And people dont understand that kind of pain because its not present for them to see and they believe in what they see. It cannot be felt by others so its sort of non existent for them. They do not know what the hell I am going through. Its making me forgetting all my likings and hobbies.

And in my mind its making me feel its presense every second. There are moments when it overpowers me and I just want to hide behind the darkness and sulk . They call me lazy, careless, ignorant, forgetful and what not. Dont miss a chance to hurt me. Someimes I doubt whether they understand my condition or not? But then they say they do, its me who should try to comeout of it and shrug that darkness, it makes me confused about them amd me both. Sometimes I feel am I really wantedly doing this all, this heartbreaking and life threatening thing? No certainly not, I am going through something that really exists and its eating me up internally and I am fighting it with all my might. I know I have only one life to live and fulfill my dreams so I cant let it take away all my happiness and the colors from it. Its really hard to cope but still I am trying to ignore it, step over it run from it, ahead of it, in short doing everyhing just to put it at the back of the mind so that it bothers me less.

The best remedy is his company, him understanding me and the worst trigger is just opposite of it. So, I think I really deserve some little treats as treatment. Don’t I?

Need of the hour… to find myself.

I need to find me. On my way to myself. I haven’t find me yet. My demons may be quiet for a while now but they do exist and wait for the reason to wake, and take a deep breath which they hold on for so long and then they slowly crawl back to my ears, wrap my mind around and falls the darkness. I just know one thing for sure even in this darkest hour of mine that I am afraid of happyness because whenever I am happy something worst happens. But still I am strong enough to fight against all the bad that has happened to me. I am working on myself for myself by myself. Though the depression stays their in the head like a wound that never heals and I have to be careful not to touch upon the points that trigger it and everything goes fuushh..! Though it keeps nagging in there all the time. I am bit tired of explaining to others about it because they make their on point of views according to their perceptions.

I am tired of even myself for trying to hold on when I should have given up, of being strong, of hiding my tears and keep smiling even when it was killing me inside. It is ruining me to answer all, about me being ok or fine when I just want to cry my heart out, shout out about my broken heart and damaged trust. I want to tell, I want to share so may be I might find a way out of this dark place I am prisoner of ,from so many years and lately chains tied to my feet and thrown into the dangerous water to drown with the weight of my own guilt and suffering. The malicious mind is playing bad tricks but heart, it wants to heal, wants to rejoice and experience happiness once again.

I have started questioning myself, searching my inner depths, connecting to my higher self, trying to open my mind’s eye above the physical plane. Asking the universe to heal me, to give me peace, establish connection. On the other hand I am taking my writing skills to another level, I am writing and writing and losing myself in it. Something’s to opening up somewhere deep down. Some sad feelings are again turning and twisting but I am writing them down, basically I am trying to acknowledge my pain so that I can forgive them completely simultaneously I am nervous and afraid of the dark feeling again, that pain and agony, I don’t want to go through it again. I have learned very hard how to suppress and bury my pain and pricking thorns into the corner of my heart where I can ignore them without knowing their presence, but I am also enjoying my writing, it also has gone to upper level in this process of healing. I am in dilemma, what’s happening, what to do, where am I heading, definitely I am not going to stop but afterwards what? What will be my situation. But for now I know of sure that while I am writing for that brief period I am disconnected with everything else, I feel nothing except my content of writing. The numbness, hollowness and the emptyness for a while takes a back seat. For that moment I become alive completely engrossed in it. After putting the pen down kind of withdrawal symptom is experienced. For a while I feel dejected. Every time I want to return back to my writing or more to reading if not writing.

The emotional turmoil I am going through is very dangerous either I will be ruined completely or I will learn to cope and live with my depression. I don’t know where I am going but I am on my way to find myself and that’s for sure.