Am I going crazy?

Am I going crazy? Getting the feel of reading MB novels from watching K Drama.

What I mean ro say is, since my marriage I left the love of novels. But now deriving same satisfaction from K Drama. Each chapter is equivalent to each episode. Getting hold over me in the same intensity of one more chapter just one more, before putting down the book. Here I am like one more episode just one more before taking a break.

Finishing one drama after another, keeping other in que and yet searching for another.

Just like I did for novels. Now a days it’s replaced by non fiction books.

So, just was qurious, am I really going crazy? Considering my age…as of now I am mother two teenager and a preteenager.

How does coincidence works?

Has anyone ever figured out how the coincidences work? Ever?

I mean many times I’ve witnessed coincidental events but instead of understanding the occurrence I was awestrucked. I would like to quote today’s incident. My son was watching YouTube when all of a sudden he selected to play a video, which had the title’ has a ghost appeared in your dreams, ever?’

At the same time, while going through my emails, title of an email caught my attention. It read, ‘Do ghosts try to communicate through dreams?’ Some of you may question, ‘so what’s the big deal? It does happens. ‘ But it is some sort of indication or is it? Because few days ago I had witnessed two people sitting on a chair placed in my bedroom. Though it was during night, yet I swear, it was not a dream. My eyes were open and I tried to adjust my vision but was not successful. And I struggled to shout but my voice was strangled l, at least I felt that way. Then atlast a small but deep sound escaped my throat. Then everything was back to normalcy.

Then yesterday when my daughter was watching YouTube, same video had appeared on her playlist and when she had tried to watch, it didn’t play. But today it did and created a coincidence with my email.

So, I can say that this topic is haunting me from last four days. But why? That is the point to ponder.

But with this another question is left unanswered, actually, the main question. Do ghosts aka spirits try to talk to us through dreams? And for doing so do they need to be related to us in one or the other way?

Irony of a religion.

Allah-hoo-Akbar, literally means only Allah is great. But what kind of greatness is this, which on being chanted radiates only hatred and scatters blood. In name of greatness only destruction is done. The so called peacefull community, with one hand murders others and with other they disrespect mothers, sisters and even their own wives.

Which religion preaches to clear off the earth of its population on not following its teachings and not accepting it’s God? Strange!

Who were they?

Suddenly she opened her eyes. Everything was as normal as it could be. In the faded beam of light coming from the window, where she had moved the curtains a bit, she saw someone covered in mud sitting on the chair placed opposite her bed.

She was shocked and tried to settle her vision but could not make out. The person was just staring strangely. She tried to shout but to her dismay, her voice was choked. Nothing came out.

She even tried to get up but her folded hands refused to open up. How hard she may try, but her body didn’t respond the way she wanted.

To her surprise, the person on the chair vanished and a small boy of Ten or Twelve, sat in his place with same grimace. At this moment a muffled but heavy sound escaped her throat.

Her husband pulled her into his arms and comforted her. That night she could not sleep again. There was only one thought in her mind, could it be true, that the spirits do dwell along with alive people and make their appearences sometimes to make their presence known. Or of it true, that an empty chair is not actually empty, in the night or spirits really do look at you while you are asleep and sometimes peep into your dreams?

My writing day so far

My all writing days have the same fate! Each day is pretty much the same. I have not written much.

As, I have already informed you all, long ago that I have been trying to write a memoir about my father. But what should I say about my pace. I am not an inch ahead from the point, I wrote last, a couple of months ago.

My emotions take over me and then comes a halt. Everytime, I beat myself to sit down and write, can’t write more than few words. How on earth, am I supposed to make any progress? Only thinking to complete my book can’t make me complete it, right? I understand to actually glue myself down to the seat of my chair and keep my fingers playing the the soothing music of tip-tap over the keyboard.

I don’t see it happening any of the day I decide to write. May be, I should switch to phone from laptop. But that is more hectic. There are many reasons behind that, too.

Laundry as unsorted thoughts

I hate folding laundry. Actually, I must say, I just can’t bring up myself to do this tedious job. My biggest procrastination after writing is folding the washed laundry.

It happens many times that I go to fold it and then giving it a look my mind to me says,’ Nah! Some other time. Any other day. You have lot more things to do right now.’ And then I cross pass the laundry. Then days turn into weeks and weeks into a month.

My laundry is then cleared in instalments…I mean, my hubby folds and keeps his clothes, though being a busy bee and completely submerged into his work, he does takes out time . Then my kids do their part and in last my daughter helps me out with mine.

I don’t know why but I just can’t do it. Sorting out laundry feels like sorting out my thoughts and I just hate sorting out my thoughts. May be that’s why My laundry keeps on mounting day by day just like my thoughts pile up in my head and sometimes try to explode and when I try to write, all mixed up and confused emotions come out. Which takes long to organise.

Way to go…

A long, long way to go. For me atleast, to be a writer..a good one I mean. But I am struggling with what it takes to be One! My biggest drawback is Procrastination. Why I have become like this I don’t know. It’s not a writer’s block, I must say. But whatever it is I am trying to overcome it.

Not alone in the field of writing but also in every field of life, I am legging behind. Being a fighter, I cannot accept myself like that…so I am using all the ways I can, to overcome this monster called procrastination.

One of the ways I am using is…Bullet Journaling and sticky notes. But still I have a long way to go…which I will, with the cooperation of the blogging community and the love of my family.

Wanderer soul trapped

I have always loved the journeys and not the destination. Since childhood I’ve been travelling, though to and fro from my native place to my grandparents town in summer vacations.

The lust for travelling has been since instilled and even after forty years is not quenched.

The journeys I took in my childhood and early teens have a strong effect on my memories. My comparisons, if any, in a scene or specially in the poems, comes from those memories.

I love reliving those light moments when everything felt like rejuvenating. Each movement, each step filled me with thrill. A destination gave me hope of new journey. Reaching at a place filled me with anticipation for the journey either return or continued one to another stop. This used to be a cycle.

In childhood days, I never wanted to reach the destination because all the enjoyment, excitement and new experiences laid in the journey itself and not the place. I mean for a while it’s ok but then your heart starts longing for the journey to another place, to new experiences and all.

For me the transit period is best. Stationary means dead, to me at least it seems so.

I had no mobile phone or digital camera when we traveled to show now, the journeys I have taken, to the places which are engraved in my heart but the photos are still tucked in the albums and kept safely. The memories live behind eyelids. So fresh, so lively.

These days I am not able to travel a lot, at least as much I desire to thus the pain of missing the roads is building up in my heart.

Whenever I hear or see someone on the go, I long to be a free soul of the wanderer. I want to be a nomad, stopping at a place where no one has been or very few have known. I want to mingle with the people and their culture, to be one with the nature. I don’t want to stay for long, just understand the place and it’s life then leave for new place to quench thirst of my eyes and soul, to see the nature’s and beauty.

I know that I am not here for forever so, whatever time I have left, I want to witness the nature’s creation. To feel it in first hand. To be out there in the nature and experience the creating force passing through me, giving me a new lease of life and unfolding the truth of our existence, the whole purpose of our being.

My situation

I am sorry for being so irregular. Actually, this past month was very confusing and lost. Turmoil is the word that describes best my mental condition from last couple of months. I start something and eventhough I put my best of interest in it, I can not continue.

I just keep it aside and sit lost and exhausted. Month of January, I assigned to reading and in 2 weeks were ok. I complete 3 1/2 books but after that the concentration started wandering. I am able to complete hardly 2 books in past months.

Whenever, I sit down to write there is something which I cannot describe and it doesn’t let me continue more than one day at maximum. I am bit tensed.

So, I have decided to take a leave of my present surrounding and go to my brother’s place for 2 months and leave all my tensions and worries here. May be it will give me some time to write and read.

Hope, it goes well.

Negative Vibes

Negative vibes travel faster than any other mood vibes. And they tend to linger on longer too.

If in a house hold of 6 members where you have your in laws living with you, the chance of negative vibes are more. If your oldies are orthodox and conservative like mine and on top of it they have bossy nature. So, when they get to face an opposition or something goes against their thinking then, you are surely in for a blast.

This blast may happen specifically between the two oldies because they finally have no one else to fight with as no one listens to them. You can sense the tension even from 10 feet distance or as in my case, we stay on the upper story of the duplex apartment and they stay on the lower one. When I put my fist step on the stairs, I can feel the gloom of hitting me hard. And I get to know that something has happened downstairs between the two. Their negative vibes loom for days and sometimes it grabs me. The side effects are visible in my hubby also in the form of sad or irritated mood. I get depressive feeling due to this and once I am hit by those monstrous feelings, its very hard to get rid of them easily. Thought I try to keep my cool but it literally takes a lot to stay positive. Sometimes the poor children have to face burnt of it all. I fear my poor sun, who is a pre-teen suffers a lot because of my oldies` negative and narrow mindedness. Poor child has so much of frustration for many issues. I try my best to balance and tell him to practice meditation and learn to practice patience. He is sometimes not able to control his anger. I am worried about him.

Sometimes the negative vibes take a toll on our relation too…days pass with the communication stranded. May be there are situations with you also when you too dont want to talk with any one. May be you feel that if you talk your barrier on anger may give away or you might want to tell straight forward to them about their immature behavior. I don't know how many of you relate or agree with my point; but one thing is for sure, that negativity invites sadness which invites doom. May be its bit exaggerated but its true.

Though I suffer the heartache of being at the receiving end I try to come out of it as soon as I can.