The time has passed very past since I started blogging and now I am in a phase where my pain has given a way to numbness, sort of. And I still am trying to figure out what I want?
Basically the idea behind to start the blog was to put out my thoughts in words because they were emergings in such a speed in my mind that I was not able to cope up, plus they were thoughts of hopelessness, so I thought it better to put them out of my mind or else they might have turnedme crazy or lunatic, killed me at most.
But, now the urgency of taking them out has slowed down a bit and plus my hubby bcomes angry seeing them as he feels whatever he is doing for me to take my mind away from the insulting betraying pain he has given me, is useless and wants to stop loving and caring for me finally. So, I have stopped thinking, at all and turned absentminded. I am, sometimes blank, or dumb or even weired.
There are many distractions I am fancying now a days to stop thinking and writing. Till now I didnt know why I am staying away from the blog or why not writing poems or songs even, but while writing this very blogpost I realized what’s the reason behind my not able to write, write anything at all. Because, my words spoke about the pain I feel, the hurt I am going through. Now I know the whole life I am living is just a pretence of happiness and peace. But for the love of children this pretence is nccessary, so I think its better to stay away from what all is going on in my heart, let the mind be unaware of real me for the sake of happiness and smile of my children.
But, tell you what? Its really scary when by chance or mistakenly I take a sneakpeak inside me, like today. The real me is still very furious and hurt, looking ways for forgive herself, to come to terms with the harsh reality of life. Pray for me please, that I stay sane and Live life not spend it. I want to enjoy the chance I’ve got, do not want to waste it as it may be the last and only.