Thantophobia

Gosh..! Seems ages passed and I was like…Looking for something which had some meaning or atleast resonated with what I feel…and today at this time … 10.38 pm on 23rd Jan 21, I saw … a word which had every emotion I go through. …Thantophobia.

Since my childhood I’ve always hidden my actual feelings just in case If they are known, my loved ones will be dead or leave me alone. Some incidents in my childhood and early teens, confirmed it. And today I still struggle with the same fear. I have a feeling that I am still being haunted by it. May be its true, the fear. Though I am trying to overcome it but Time pushes my efforts back everytime and confirms that my fears are true.

Found the missing link.

Hiiii…

Sorry everyone I keep missing my every day post to WP but there is a reason behind. I am working on my book and a short story.

So, first thing first, I already completed my book and now working on second edit. Secondly, I am working on a short story and was stuck on missing link between the first part and the middle one which drives the story towards it climax.

But finally I stroked on point today. I am feeling so light that wanted to share my happiness with you all.

Will give you a glimpse of my story. So my girl is a urban dweller and is a schizophrenic whose parents died in a car accident recently along with her childhood friend who was trying to save her. She is so depressed that she tries to commit suicide failing which she interviews three contract killers who subsequently fail to do their job. Her friend tries to talk her out of the madness to kill herself and that there was no childhood friend who died saving her. Their argument was overheard by Death in personification, who presents himself to do the job and finally ends falling on love with her.

After the story is ready to be published will share the link. Hope you all like the summery and give me your valuable inputs.

Why I am not writing ?

The time has passed very past since I started blogging and now I am in a phase where my pain has given a way to numbness, sort of. And I still am trying to figure out what I want?

Basically the idea behind to start the blog was to put out my thoughts in words because they were emergings in such a speed in my mind that I was not able to cope up, plus they were thoughts of hopelessness, so I thought it better to put them out of my mind or else they might have turnedme crazy or lunatic, killed me at most.

But, now the urgency of taking them out has slowed down a bit and plus my hubby bcomes angry seeing them as he feels whatever he is doing for me to take my mind away from the insulting betraying pain he has given me, is useless and wants to stop loving and caring for me finally. So, I have stopped thinking, at all and turned absentminded. I am, sometimes blank, or dumb or even weired.

There are many distractions I am fancying now a days to stop thinking and writing. Till now I didnt know why I am staying away from the blog or why not writing poems or songs even, but while writing this very blogpost I realized what’s the reason behind my not able to write, write anything at all. Because, my words spoke about the pain I feel, the hurt I am going through. Now I know the whole life I am living is just a pretence of happiness and peace. But for the love of children this pretence is nccessary, so I think its better to stay away from what all is going on in my heart, let the mind be unaware of real me for the sake of happiness and smile of my children.

But, tell you what? Its really scary when by chance or mistakenly I take a sneakpeak inside me, like today. The real me is still very furious and hurt, looking ways for forgive herself, to come to terms with the harsh reality of life. Pray for me please, that I stay sane and Live life not spend it. I want to enjoy the chance I’ve got, do not want to waste it as it may be the last and only.

Rail of my thoughts-2

The scars and wounds of love betrayal are so deep that they never heal. They stay there to remind us of our pain amd loss. Loss of love, faith, life and intrest in everything we ever loved.

The pain never goes, it keeps on simmering below the put up smile and made up face. The fake intrest in life makes it more harder to love life. All the lost dreams and bursted desires, ambitions stand aside and keep teasing us making funny faces at our attempts to fake them.

This genrates the broken trust and dysfunctional nelief system. Which ulti ately leabes a person so lonely and irritated that they start building a wall more higher and from this captivity they themselves can never come out. Lonely souls wandering in the sea of people. You don’t have anyone to share your feelings with,no one to wipe tour tears when you cry, but you become so numb that you dont even cry.

People like me have foumd one source of ranting out the whole thing which is on their mind, through writing and expressing whatever bothers them. Maintaining a diary or a journal is like a copy of converstion with people. You tell everything to it, I mean write every feeling’s each word assuming that You are talking to a person and sharing tour thougjts and ideas. Sometimes tearing off or burning of the pages gives even more satisfaction. This trick may not work 100% for everyone but it does slow downs the pace of racing thoughts. Giving you some control ober your life and time to take right decisions to make your life better if not perfect.

Once again…

Some times it felt that he understands what I go through, he feels sorry for what he did to me. But now my all misunderstandings are cleared.

Whatever I use tontell him, he only heard it but never understood, not a single word of it. My all tears were in vain. Now I am again standing on the point from where I started my journey few years back…all alone and lonely. No one to support, not a single soul to console me.

Suddenly everything has lost its meaning and every moment has become empty. New emptyness, meaninglessness, painful feelings have entered my soul, afresh.

I am like on staring into the blank with a confused look in eyes and on face, still not getting why am here and above all why in the first place did I entered this relation, jsut to face this situation? No, I mean sometimes I find myself wondering is this my ppave, 7s this my home, or am I at someone’s place and using their rights as my own. Have I made a mistake and taken someome else’s place, so the condition? Whatever it is, I dont feel it right. I am desprate to just leave everything and go hiding in some unknown place.

Just done with my quota of pain. I cannot bear anymore. I am totally broken, just one more blow, a single one even a slightest blow and I am gone. Gone for good and ever. So fragile I have become.

Hope there is something which holds me up tightly for few more days, just in case someday everything might turn into right direction. Or may be I become more tough to resist the blows.

If nothing comes in my support, I wish, wellwishes of people who feel deep and understand the pain, are with me. Thanks all of you for lending an ear, understanding and extanding support. My hearty wishes and prayers reach out to you all.

Dreams

Go where your dreams

   Take you

They’re whispers from your 

    Soul

And they only know 

    The way

Memories of past take 

     You back

Make dreams memories of

      Your future

Don’t be afraid of hardships

       On your way

‘Coz difficult roads often endup 

       At beautiful destinations

 

       

Komorebi… sunlight filtering through leaves!

In a lush green garden under the shade of a huge tree sit down and feel the warmth of the beautiful sunny day. Let the sunlight fall on your face and kiss you gently. Imagine this sunshine is coming through the net Of branches and leaves. You will feel the golden glowing warmth on the parts where the light is falling and the rest will be quiet. If the light us falling on your eyes imagine your eyeballs changing color from dark brown to almond honey brown and with this feeling let the liquid warmth fill your soul and feel the cool breeze ruffling your hair lightly and magnificent scents of various flowers combined into one, fill your nostrils, take a deep breath and close your eyes, count till and exhale and expect the magic of the hour to begin to take over your senses completely. Slowly you will feel the relaxing of your muscles, changing of your surroundings and feel your presence to be somewhere in more serene, calm and peaceful environment, in some deeper dimension. After spending some time in that place when you come back to your senses you Will find yourself more fresh and completely rejuvenated.

This is for daily prompt Expect

Chilling goosebumps.

I don’t know why but today above all I want to write about the horror stories. I just love ‘ em. They’re sort of fuel to me. When ever I get disheartened or sad I just want to indulge myself in some kind of horror and forget about the world around me. I love the feel of thrill, the standing of hair to its edge and the unexpected. The darkness, the fear it’s all giving me an adrenal rush. Here I will share couple of so called true incidents…

 

1. Picnic

One day five friends of my brother decided to go for a picnic to a near by fort, a citadel. It’s actually a fort atop of Aravali ranges in Rajasthan. So this place has long stretch of uninhabited area. Moreover it’s far from the modern city, in the vicinity of old town of historic and medical ages.

One of the boys who actually is my brother’s friend, fall ill on the day of picnic, thus missed the trip. So rest of the four boys went on their bikes, double riding. After reaching there they enjoyed the scenic beauty, had something to eat from the restaurant at the place. Danced photographed and then all sat to return. It was 5.00 p.m. When they got down the hill it was nearly half past 5 in the evening and they drove for 2 kms. more when one of them stopped at the road side tea stall, you can find many such stalls there. As he stopped the friends on other bikes also stopped. They then decided to have evening tea and later the change of drivers. So as they were waiting for tea to come after ordering, one of the four boys felt the urgent need to go for loo. As tea stall was on roadside, there was jungle behind it. Up to long distance either jungle or hills in the distance were visible. This boy went to a shed which looked like makeshift arrangement for relieving yourself. While he was using this so called loo, he was able to see the jungle behind the stall.

Suddenly, he saw someone waving at him. He somehow managed to come out decently and rushed towards his friends, who were sipping on their tea, enjoying the cool breeze. This boy hastily kept the cash below his tea cup and ushered his friends towards bikes,asking the tea stall guy to keep the change with him.

On the bike he sat behind his friend allowing him to drive. Only half a kilometre later his other friends started to notice some changes in him. It was growing dark,as in winters the night falls a little early. So the boys continued for a kilometre more and then by 6.30 p.m. They came to halt when they could see the city approaching and the two other boys who were on the second bike came to this boy and three of them asked him what was wrong and why was he behaving so weird.  He in a ladylike voice replied, pointing to a boy standing next him,” I wanted to possess you but he, pointing to himself, saw me first so I took him.” The boys were so scared that were not able to decide what to do. Then the one who was driving the bike with the possessed boy, said “We cannot leave him alone. I have an idea,the famous ancient temple of “Kala Hanuman” is nearly 2 or 3 kms. from here, let’s take him there.” So on one bike three of them sat with this boy in middle, the one behind hold him tightly as he was shivering and the fourth one drove alone.

At the temple assisting him, they took him inside. There he stopped shivering and fell asleep. The priest there tied a black enchanted thread to his right upper arm and then the friends returned home safely.

That boy suffered from fever for few days but nothing more, he only told what he saw in the jungle to his friends the next day.

My brother’s friend said he was lucky not to be there that day as he is  affraid of these things.

I don’t know how much spine chilling or real it sounds to you but recollecting the incident I feel chills, though I don’t believe but still it’s spooky. And yes the boy in question is perfectly all right now.

 

2. Motor bike incident.

My brother and his brother- in- law put up a stall in life style exhibitions in the month of October. It’s not their livelihood but just for an experience.       They have divided the timings, so each of them can adjust accordingly. In the morning my brother’s family looks after the stall,then in the afternoon his brother- in -law’s family. At evening they all to-gather wind up the stall and have dinner there itself and return.

One day after tea his brother in law came unannounced, in-case they need help for setting up the stall as it was very messy the previous night. That day sometime after half past noon his brother- in -law said he would go and return after 5 in the evening with his wife. As he turned to go, he saw a perfume bottle on the corner, sandal. He asked my brother about it and then sprayed over him and left. Within half an hour he returned.

His face flushed and confused. He sat on the chair and drank water, offered by his sister. Then told his story. After spraying the perfume when he left for his home, he must have gone a kilometre or two, and came across a cross road. After crossing that, he felt some feather like touch on his right shoulder, so he turned and saw nothing behind. The sunlight was scorching hard and there was nothing to be seen. Then he saw something flattering in the side mirror of his bike. It was a corner of a saree, an Indian drape, visible clearly in it. But when he looked behind again there was nothing. He just turned his bike from there and raced back to the venue. The moment he crossed back the cross road he felt secure and safe as there was nothing visible I  the mirror too. In the evening my brother, his wife and his brother in law, went to-gather to home, locking the bike behind.

That summer when I went to see my brother, I picked up a perfume bottle from his wall to wall wooden book reckon and was about to spray when I asked him where he got this from? Seeing it in my hand he said use it on your own risk as it is the same perfume I told you about over the phone, and started laughing. Though I don’t believe in all this story stuff but then I have small children to look after so didn’t take the risk of finding out.

I don’t know how far it frightens you but it gave me goose bumps to hold the spirit attracting perfume bottle.

Cappuccino on flight.

Again just after one month, Iam in flight back to my brother’s place, for my children’s summer breaks.

As you all know I am a coffee buff, here also when I saw its on the menu, couldn’t stop myself from ordering one. The taste is awesome and its served piping hot. To tell you that why I am writing this post because that Iam ordering it for the first time on flight.

The combination of three things is deadly. Oh! You may think what three things then I must clear myself here that my love for coffe is first thing, finding it here onboard is second thing and the joy of meeting my brother and his family is third thing. Thus the combination is giving me high. The relaxation I am deriving from it is unexplainable. The aroma of coffee,and the scene out of the flight window…that is something requires admiration. In the crystal blue sky, white cottony wool clouds floating like little boats in the wide sea give me the feel that I am out there in the sky sitting on one of the soft cloud and sipping my hot cappuccino, looking arround the vast endless blue, which surrounds me and engulfs me into a deep serenity. This is filling my heart with calmness.

I wish this feeling to continue as it is making me forget all the worries and relxing my mind so much that I want to close my eyes and loose myself but doing so will make me doze off which means I will miss the chance to enjoy the beauty and wont be able to give the first hand description of what I am feeling and enjoying.

A mug of coffee can do so much. It boosts my spirit, gives my imagination a push, uplifts my mood and doubles the joy of the moment.

I love coffee, I really do and wont get bored of it anytime. Even the meremention of it makes me crave for a cuppa. Then rest is taken care of by its magic. Even the aroma of coffee is so magical that it carries me to places, gives me thoughts, even words and stories are inspired by it. I can go on writing about coffee or something imspired by it, but in half an hour flight is about to land soIhave to come out of my imagination and finish off my coffee and get ready to land.