Aah… this is called Heaven!

Coffee and heaven is synonymous, atleast for me. It is one sure shot medicine for all my problems and illnesses and even mood swings. The moment it came into my hand it changed the whole environment.

Now, for being absent from the picture for a long time. There is lot of turmoil going on in my personal life. There is so much confusion and because of that so much anxiety and irritation. So much anger that got point of vent in form of self hurt.

Few days back I came across a situation where I could finally, makeout that how the people committing suicide get courage to do so and after all what do they think in the decision making moment. And believe me its really frightening. That numbness doesn’t want anything else but just the way to engulf the life.

Actually, I was planning to write some other post few days back. In totally different mood. About my WIP and one small achievement of mine but sudden turn of luck brought me here, to this post.

I will surely share my happy mood post soon but today somehow gathered courage to write it down and share with you all. It makes me feel lighter and better. Above all, I feel surrounded by many warriors and their support.

I am glad, that you all keep tugging even though sometimes I am not around.

The Girl on the Classroom Door.

he was sitting all alone in classroom all puzzled up. 
the paper was lying in front of him…blank spaces staring at him. he rested his elbows on the desk and held his face at forehead. now sweat was shining on his temples and on brows.
he again looked up towards the class door.
She was still there, leaning against the wall. smiling. he shook his head and tried to concentrate on his paper but every now and then his gaze stopped on her.
he was now biting his nails, shaking his head vigorously.
one last time he looked at the door and then threw away the paper and holding his head, his fingers now fondling his hair, started to pull at them hard. his helplessness rolled down his cheeks, with pain the the lips stretched back showing his clenched teeth.
‘ what’s the matter with you?’ placig the paper back in front of him, Mrs. James, the teacher asked.
he pointed towards the door without looking up. ‘ yes the door but what?’ Mrs. James asked again. ‘ ask her …t-to LEAVE.’ he said. ‘ Ask whom? ‘ asked Mrs. James and after a brief pause released a sigh, ‘ Enough! You are wasting time’ Mrs. James continued.
He looked up from teacher’s face to girl’s still grinning face, who was now chewing a gum and appeared very careless, for a couple of times open mouthed and wide eyed.
he all of a sudden banged his head on the desk and there was darkness all around as if someone has switched off all the lights and blind folded him.
with a loud and fast paced hammering in his head, he opened his eyes surrounded by medical equipments and with his mother sitting on the bed near his feet covering her face with handkerchief. yet the sobs escaped.

Cover design…isn’t it soooo apt.

Hi to all my well wishers amd friends. Today I am here to share my happiness with you all. This is my first books cover page. Hope you all like it.

This is my first step towards my dream. I know there is a long way to go but I couldnot stop myself from sharing my happiness with tou all. This is small step but very important one. This is what I had in my mind and the designers have beautifully depicted it. This goes with the title and the contant the book has.

Its a great feeling and you all can understand the excitement I feel. Please bless my journey and be there to support and show me the way.

Silence is not empty, it’s full of … Answers!

In my case the silence is full of destructive, negative and sad thoughts. So I don’t sit silent instead I chat with my mind about my book, blog or channel.

I look for answers not in silence but in the chaos of my mind. It (chaotic mind) has lot to offer, from wide range of emotions. I never found anything from silence apart from provoking thoughts of negativity. So, I never keep that ghostly silence creep into my space. I keep chattering or giving exercise to my mind when I find moments of peace. It has helped a lot to pull up my life togather once again after my encounter with the ugly truth of me not being only one for my love.

Believe me your mind can play fatal tricks upon you once it has gone through some dentful events, so keeping your self bisy even in the moments of silence is good rather than let it drool over the random topics, which for sure are dark unlike healthy minds which find answers in silence.

A voice in my head…

“Stop, right there!” a whisper and I just turn my head to look over my shoulder, to find no one behind.

I complete my rounds and slump down on the bench below a tree. It’s cool and breezy morning but I feel sudden rush of heat raising and goose bumps on my body, hair on my neck rise.

“You must die.” a clear whisper this time but more urging in a voice between teeth. I just jerk up and look if someone was hiding behind and playing prank over me. But no, this time too no one.

I start walking towards the gates and realise that I’ve been listening this voice from a few days now. This time, only very clear.

Lately, I’ve been feeling very drastic. This voice continuously trying to control me, becoming more and more clearly audible whisper and compelling me to die!

I cannot run from it. Wherever I go it follows me. Its now becoming more and more irritating, I don’t know what to do? Even when I talked to my friend about this, she asked me to just ignore it as its nothing more than my imagination. But its not the case, I know real it is and how compelling.

One night i woke up to sharp pain in my head and I notice same gruelling voice asking to smash my head with something heavy or just thrash my head into the wall. It just wants me to die. I don’t know what to do? I am tired of it, tired of running from it, ignoring it. But it seems to be more determined everytime it’s heard.

New blog!

Hi fellow bloggers and all wellwishers….I am so happy to share a news with you all beautidul souls out there. All your best wishes and blessings have turned up into something fruitful and I hve named it TelugUrbex.

Wether it’s a wordpress blog or a G+, tumblr, linkedin with all your love and encouragement I have named it TelugUrbex. I hope my blig and rhen finally my channel will also get the same love and support from you all.

This again is a trial or a way to fight my inner demons. The work for it will keep me busy, I hope. I know what we are fighting cannot be destroyed but it can be controlled and taken care of. So to make it one of my tools to fight my mental illness and try to revive my passion for camera and love for knowing places better I am doing all this.

Please do bless my little effort. And help me become better.

May 2018: Mental Health Awareness Month ~💚~ Share Because You Care ~💚~ — Beckie’s Mental Mess

Good Afternoon, My Dear Friends! I want to profusely thank all of you who are sharing your stories with me and sharing your websites names to add to the Mental Health Meet & Greet list. A new list of websites will be shared on Friday, May 11th. 💚 Together, we can break the stigma that […]

via May 2018: Mental Health Awareness Month ~💚~ Share Because You Care ~💚~ — Beckie’s Mental Mess