Thantophobia

Gosh..! Seems ages passed and I was like…Looking for something which had some meaning or atleast resonated with what I feel…and today at this time … 10.38 pm on 23rd Jan 21, I saw … a word which had every emotion I go through. …Thantophobia.

Since my childhood I’ve always hidden my actual feelings just in case If they are known, my loved ones will be dead or leave me alone. Some incidents in my childhood and early teens, confirmed it. And today I still struggle with the same fear. I have a feeling that I am still being haunted by it. May be its true, the fear. Though I am trying to overcome it but Time pushes my efforts back everytime and confirms that my fears are true.

A love story that brought upheaval- Raskapur & Swai Maharaja Jagat Singh.

Pink city, the wold knows it better by this name instead of Jaipur or Jaypore. It is one of the largest cities of Rajasthan. Home to many forts and fortresses. The city has many stories to tell but the one I am going to share is of love, lust, conspiracies and loyalty, loyalty to kingdom and loyalty to love.

Keeping My point of view.

There are many versions making rounds and I will tell you all. But before that I want to put forward my point of view regarding such incidents in history. May be these points are still prevailing in society as political and influential tie-ups are in existence. And the point is that when a nuptial tie was made it was more for the financial and strategic benefits of the kingdom rather than the personal feelings. Thus occurred many unmatched marriages with many princesses and when the groom didn’t find the peace and love he looked for in his All wives he searched for it in the concubines and thus increasing the number of married and unmarried wives. And if by chance the king got the chance to marry his love, then also the strategic and financial pressure was there because of which he had to marry other processes also. This gave birth to polygamy and conspiracy. Many kingdoms have fallen down due to this reason alone.

Raskapur-Jaipur’s own Noor Jahan

Raskapur courtesy Adarsh Sharma Book Raskapur

Well, now I come back to the story I initially intended to tell. You can call it the story of Jaipur’s own Noor Jahan. She was born of a court dancer, whose father side was doubtful. She was beautiful, fair and talented girl, thus named Raskapur or Ras Kapoor. Kapoor (camphor) is here a symbol of fragrance in the form of talks of her beauty and talent making rounds in the city.

There used to be different departments in the then kingdom of Jaipur, each related to respected chore of the erstwhile estate. Among these was the ‘guni-khana'(department for skills, arts and talents) where she learned dancing under Paro begum.

She performed in many programs and danced her way to the Royal Court. Where she came in the eyes of the king, Sawai Maharaja Jagat Singh, who fell for her and thus began their doomed love story. She even called as Anarkali of Jaipur.

The king was already married to 21 queens and had 24 concubines but he gave his heart to only one, Raskapur. Who remained with him till his last breath.

They say, you can kill a person but you cannot kill the love one feels for someone, same was the story.

Titles to Raskapur

After she first entered court as a dancer, she was bestowed with two titles out of which of utmost importance was ‘Paswan‘ which meant ‘Close to‘ , in other words she was not the queen but close to the king and exercised same power over the king as the married queens. In some cases the power if ‘ Paswan‘ overpowered the queen’s authority. Same happened here to. Maharaja Jagat Singh found his soul mate in her and on his birthay he gave away his half kingdom, pothikhana(administration department) and one more important department to her. This gave her the right to sit in the court right beside the king on throne. She started to govern and make decisions regarding feudals, and their kingdoms. Maharaja even took her to the public gatherings on festivals along with him, on the elephant.

Maharaja Sawai Kagan Singh

He had given up the social rules and regulations and didn’t feel awkward in showing off his relation with a concubine. He made a separate palace, ‘Ras Vilas Palace’ for her near ‘Chandra Mahal‘, the abode of Royal family. It is said that she had some differences with one of the queen’s and was asked to leave the palace and thus she came to live in her own palace.

Krishna Kumari

Princess of Mewar whose death is a mystery, KRISHNA KUMARI

Between all this, The then Maharana of Mewar sent the proposal of his daughter Krishna Kumari to Maharaja Swai Jagat Singh, to which he didn’t agree but it is said that, it was Raskapur who talked him to say yes to the alliance, sighting the strategic importance of the marriage alliance.

But actually, the facts are, the Mewar princess was first engaged to Marwar Maharaja and this sudden change in equation upset him. He stopped the Procession on the way to Jaipur, in his kingdom. Feeling insulted by this, Jagat Singh prepared his army and attacked on Marwar. The Pindar chief, Amir Khan of Jhotwara took the golden opportunity to attack Jaipur. This turn table situation made him come back to Jaipur.

Different views on the end of the story

It is said that when Jagat Singh came back, the courtiers, Feudals and queens( who already were jealous of Raskapur) conspired against Raskapur and got her sentenced to prison. And from here the various views of the painful ending of a lovestory, which bloomed against all odds and under the shadows of swords and conspiracy came to an end.

One view says, that when the Maharaja was busy fighting Pindaris, his ministers and queens got her killed, in the Nahargarh fort, where she was kept prisioner. She was thrown out of the window of the room and as the fort is built on the oldest mountain range, Aravali, she fell down to her death and when the king came to know of her demise he was so heart broken that within a year he died.

NaharGarh Fort
Window from where Raskapoor is said to be thrown.

The other lore goes something like this, when the king was fighting, he got injured and later died. His last rites were being performed at the Royal funeral grounds, Gaitore. Raskapoor on hearing this, disguised herself as someone else and crossed the fort gates and reached the funeral ground and on watching the pyre on which Jagat Singh’s body was burning, she took a leap and jumped into it and burned alive with her love of life.

GAITORE
GAITORE

The third opinion is, when the Maharaja returned from war, the whole court, Feudals and the queens convinced him to sentence her to lifetime imprisonment on the self created proofs and stories of her mistrust, disloyalty and conspiracy to kill the Maharaja. Both were eagerly waiting to get the chance to meet. Meanwhile, the British made an ally with Jagat Singh, which gave small time relief to him from the neighbouring kingdoms but it was short lived as the conspirators were active knowing Maharaja’s inclination towards Raskapur. They killed him and when this news reached Raskapur she tried her best to get out of the Nahargarh fort and was able to convince one of the Feudal king, who was responsible olfor her upkeep in the prison. Then on his guarantee she was allowed to leave the prision on a promise that she will come back. But as soon as she reached the funeral grounds, she was taken back by the sight of her love burning on the pyre. The next moment, taking everyone by surprise, she jumped in the fire. The bodies burnt away leaving behind the hatred and politics, to be together in the eternal journey.

End

Thus this was the end of Jagat Singh’s short reign from 1803 to 1818 and he died young at the age of 32. He is known as the notorious king of Jaipur. It is said that Nahargarh fort is haunted by her ghost. And some say its haunted bit by couple of other ghosts. But that is another story.

Will come back with a short account of Jaipur and Jodhpur clash story because of Krishna Kumari. Ofcourse I have my point there also about woman converted to commodity. But as I said that’s another story. If you all like this one, I will come up with next one.

Update: Nahargarh is now a state run hotel.

Gaitore is a famous tourist spot now.

A small scene

She sat there looking at him with tearful eyes. He moved closer and encircled his arm around her shoulders.
A sob escaped. She suddenly suppressed her mouth to stop further sobs. With the back of her palm she rubbed her tears off, which came over the rim of her eyes.
He slightly kissed her forehead and tightened his grip. She was inconsolable now. It was like a barrier was broken and tears flowed like a river uncontrollable. Her whole body shakes with each sob escaped.
It was hard for her to believe what she heard just now. She was fixed in her mind that nothing can change the situation she was in as not atleast him. His words were just to fool her because he himself said that nothing could happen to change the situation he was in.
But if this is to be believed than the situation is more bad and if he is to be believed, she was to be blamed for his heart ache. She felt guilty for putting him in the situation of deep pain and loss.
She looked up and gazed in his eyes, then told him that she won’t forgive herself till she is alive for separating him from his heart.
She loosened his embrace and shifted bit far and said that if it was not for their children, she would have moved out of his life. She said sorry repeatedly and closed her eyes and tears rolled down her cheeks.
He sighed deeply and embrace her once again and managed to say that he could understand her pain and felt it deep in his heart. Her last sobs were smothered in his loving kiss. Or so it appears.

In Love

It was a beautiful day, bright sunny, cool breeze. I was sitting in my portico, having coffee. Besides me, on the side table, my little friend was sleeping in his cage. I have a white as snow baby rabbit who has red eyes. I thought it was a casual nap for him but started to worry as his normal time was over long ago but he did not wake-up. I opened his cage to see what was wrong. My heart thudding loud. As I touched, he wriggled. I took a breath, took him in arms and went inside. I laid him on a small carpet, particularly kept for him. Rabbit took a round of the room very slowly. It came back to the carpet and sniffed the green grass and carrot pieces I kept for him. I thought he was fine now.
I left to get ready for office. I dressed up in blue denim and a white tee, wore my sneakers as it was Friday and most MNCs allow casuals. Took my bag and car keys. I skipped my breakfast as I was late. I rode on high speed to reach office. Though I was still worried about my rabbit, yet hoped everything would be fine back home. I swiped ID card at the entry. ” Hey, you look tensed,” Reena asked from the reception. ” Who me? No, everything’s fine” I replied. I went through the day’s schedule and was done with most of it by lunch. I had no breakfast so was hungry. I hogged upon my lunch as if was starved for days. Stuffed my mouth with dessert and in last drank a cup of coffee. One hour later I was back at my seat. Staring at the screen I sat there but my mind was still at home, captured at the moment when I hold my little friend in my hands. I could not carry on like this any longer. So, asked for a half day off on the basis of not feeling well.
As I neared home my heart sank. It was kind of gut feeling but I hoped against all the odds for everything to be all right. The moment I entered home, I first looked for my `pal.’ He was lying in the exact place where I left him in the morning. My heart sank. I had no strength in my legs to move forward neither had a will to do so. I was about to drop dead in my place when I saw a little movement in his tiny body. I ran towards him. The moment I touched him, his eyes opened wide. He looked at me with pleading eyes to save him. The pain and suffering in his eyes broke me. I felt so helpless and worthless in that one moment.

“Thud!” Sound from the kitchen. I gave a startled look. Got up holding my pal in arms and moved towards the kitchen. What I found there was heart stopping. There was someone in black hooded gown facing electric kettle, placed on the kitchenette platform. I was stunned to see scythe placed against the fridge. In horror, I released a sigh. On the sound person turned and what I saw was breathtaking. A beautiful, innocent and charming girl. ” Hi!” she said in a calm and easy way. “Hello. Who are you? and what are you doing in my kitchen?” I asked in one breath. “Oh that,” she paused and then continued “I came here for your little `Pal’ and pointed towards my rabbit sleeping in my arms. She offered me a cup of coffee which she made. “Don’t you think it’s a bit horrifying that you The Grim Reaper, made coffee in my kitchen and offered me a cup?” I asked in horror. “Don’t freak out, please.” Her sweet and calm voice echoed.” What will it cost to get him free, from your claws?” I offered her. The green eyes became darker than any black eye I had ever seen. She said, “Stop pleading.” I gathered strength, went near her, hold her free hand and looked deep into her eyes and said ” Will you be mine…Oh! Oh, I mean apart from rabbit I have no one and I need someone to lend me moral support.” She stared me with wide open eyes. Her beautiful eyes became more beautiful. She looked confused, then said “Ok. I will leave your friend but stop looking at me like this.” “Still I want you to be my friend.” Shocked at my own words, I released her hand and inched away from her. She kept the coffee mug on the table, picked her scythe and thumped it hard on the floor. “BOOM!” And she was gone.
I checked up on my little pal, he looked fine. I gave him some carrot pieces to eat. Came back to the portico and sat on the chair looking on the road. But my thoughts were occupied by The Grim Reaper. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. My heart beat like it was in a marathon. I remembered that she came here for my rabbit but returned empty handed. ” What if she returned the moment I came out?” I thought. I went back in, to find him jumping around like usual. I kept some ready to eat a meal in the microwave, for dinner. Ate it alone as usual. Sat in front of the T.V. to watch finals of T-20. There was a sudden thud in the backyard., I took the kitchen back door to let me out. I was amazed at first but then sad to find her back. I was determined not to give in. She went to the rabbit and I followed her. “No! You can’t take him.” I told her. It is known that if The Reaper is seen by someone, it’s not whose turn, The Reaper has to fulfil the wish of the person.” Ask for something else. This can’t be done.” She said. I was lost in her tinkling voice. She started to move to my little friend. “Oh-Oh! wait. I said you can’t take him or take me first.” I told her. ” No. Not even in your dreams.” She replied. ” Fine, then say you are breaking your own law.” With a broad grin on my face, I said. She moved away from the rabbit, put her scythe aside, sat on the ground, buried her face in her knees and for five minutes she sat like that. Then stood up and paced in the room, came near me, went back to the kitchen made coffee for the second time in the day but this time two mugs. Came out offered me one and sipped from another. “It cannot happen.” Finally, she said. Then continued to enjoy her coffee. “Well, then be mine.” I finally broke the silence. She looked at me in horror. The first time The Grim Reaper felt what fear was. I moved closer and took her hand. She was as cold as ice, for the first time she trembled and took a step back. I felt an urge to hug her forgetting who she was. ” Shall we…” she swallowed hard and continued ” make the last attempt?” ” No this is the final one.” I made it plain and added, ” It’s okay, you don’t have to love me.” She stared me in confusion. ” Be mine forever. As for love, I will love you till eternity and have faith in miracles.” I moved closer and lifted her hand to my lips and placed a peck on the back of her palm. That was the first time I saw her lifeless eyes shine for the first time for a few seconds. I moved even closer and placed my other hand at the back of her head and pulled her head gently towards me and rested it on my chest. My heart was beating like crazy. She tried to adjust her head in a more comfortable way. I slowly pulled her hood down. And her black silky curls fall down around her neck. She looked more beautiful. I gasped at her beauty. She sighed and moved back turning her face away.
” I never thought in my wildest dream that The Reaper will be a girl and I will lose my heart to her,”I said and again reached out for her hand and pulled her back to me. This time I hugged her gently then released her and waited for her answer. She took a little longer than expected. ” Won’t you have a problem with who I am and what I do? Because this is my Reality.” Now it was my turn to evaluate my feelings and digging my mind for about a few minutes,” NO, actually I love the fact who you are and what you do. She sighed in relief and traced her steps back to me. Encircled her arms around me, looked into my eyes and said, ” I can’t guarantee love now or ever but a good loyal friend, yes.” ” We have a lifetime, at least mine if not yours, to wait for your love. And I will wait with the whole heart and open arms.” I assured her. She smiled and left.
I went to bed with thoughts of her and the eternal love I’ll have. Next day I had to meet a friend from college days. Gave some carrot pieces and grass to rabbit and wrote a note for her saying to be gentle with my little friend, if in case she decides to break in my home in my absence. I poured some milk and cereals in a bowl, a glass of juice and some cookies for myself. I was going through newspaper when something caught my attention. I had a cookie in my hand and there was something written on it, which I didn’t see before. I looked at the box of cookie in case it was any other brand. But no it was same, so I checked for other cookies on my plate and they all had something written on them. When I placed them together, it formed a message” See you in the evening.” from her.

Work in progress

These days I am at my brother’s place. Came for summer vaccations. I am enjoying my days here. Nothing much to do, infact nothing. Everything is taken care of by my sister in law and brother.

This gives me a lot of time to read and work upon my new idea. Even collection of new things for my writer’s book. I take time to write something everyday, even if its a single para or charcter development or back story. Sometimes it is for the next scene in the story. It makes writing little faster.

Developing the story from those notes and back stories and hints is interesting. I am loving it. I miss my books here as couldn’t get them due to luggage weight issue but still the online library facility provided by my library, is filling the gap.

I thought of writing a short story in the series of romancing the reaper or the devil. But I am not able to do so, it has developed into good seven chapters and still on, I am getting freaked out.

My story is about The devil falling for a girl and not realising it. Even the girl doesn’t know who he really is. The catch is, The Devil sells his soul to her and loses a bet to her. Rest is in continuation.

I hope it finishes soon so I can share it with you all.

Tell me how the storyline is.

A young girl dies in an accident and her soul meets the Reaper himself. She is bowledover by his unusual charm. It was not her time so the Reaper sends her back but is himself confused by her behaviour. She says something so heart melting that Heartless Reaper was bound to think about her. He returns to see her when she hangs herself and sees him standing in her room. She embraces him and praises his handsome face and hears the umheard heartbeats. He sents her back scolding and threatening but she keeps showing up. He fimally gives in but for a short while because he realises that it was not natural relation andshe has to go long way. Taking the blame himself he sends her back for the last time, at least he thought so. After a long time she shows up again when he irritatedly asks why the hell did she keeps on dying just to see him, didnt he cleared it was over between them.

So now here I need your help, friends. What should be the ending od the story, a happy one or let the people guessing and close it on asume yourself note?

Please help me out with this. I will be very thankful to you.

Leap of faith

I fell in long distance love relationship. We never met. So I didn’t know anything about him apart from what he had told.

In the begining it was like normal friendship but time took its turn and the friendship changed into love.

Once he asked me to meet and I planned a trip to the place he asked me to come.

It was so exciting and thrilling to plan such a thing. Never ever in my dream, I thought I would be doing such a thing.

Finally, we met. It was like hundreds of trains and jet fighters passed by me and my heart throbbed like hell. I was nervous and happy at the same time.

I did not want the moment to pass. For me, it was a prayer being heard and my wish granted. The whole day we spent talking and listening to each other’s future plans and dreams. In the evening we sat on the steps holding hands.

I don’t know about him but I had lived a whole life with him in those moments. When the time came to part, I was shattered and cried like hell because I thought dreams never come true repeatedly. I feared that I will never see him again.

I am afraid, if we didn’t part then we could not have married after a year and a half later.

I believed my love for him so much that I knew he cannot lie to me about his personal life, ever.

Though my family was initially against the idea of our marriage then they gave in.

Extreme Lengths.

He asked for her permission to borrow a kiss. Promising that he will return it.
One fine evening she was sitting under a blossom tree, when he came and this time stole a kiss. She was annoyed by the act but before she could react, he was gone. The whole night she kept on thinking about the incident. At midnight she got a message from him, saying, he will return the kiss he had stolen.
Next day and another day and the day after another day she waited for him under the blossom tree, but he did not return. So she went to the place where he asked for borrowing. But he did not appear there also. She became sad day by day, remembering him. Night and day only one thing came to her mind, his act of stolen kiss.
One night she slept remembering his promise to return her kiss. That night she dreamt of the boy, asking her, why was she sad? When she told him that she was expecting her stolen kiss back, the boy became dull for a second then with a smile he said that he would return her kiss the very next evening under the same blossom tree where he stole it.
Next evening again she went there and waited for him. She sat under the tree and closed her eyes and thought about him. She felt a familiar sensation near her face and opened her eyes. But there was no one to be seen. She felt strange and again closed her eyes. This time she felt a little pressure of soft and moist lips on her forehead. Slowly she opened her eyes and saw him bending over her. Looking into her eyes he smiled with twinkling eyes.
She asked him that where was he from past one week? But he didn’t answer and kept looking lovingly at her sweet and small face. She again asked him and this time he pointed towards a small church across the road, whose pathway was laden with blossoms, roses, jasmines and green grass on the ground. She looked in the direction and gave a quizzical look.
They sat there with hands in hands without speaking another word, for hours. She got up to leave and turned to him saying that she will come again tomorrow at the same time and same place. He relieved a sigh and shrugged his shoulders. And before she could turn to go, he lifted her hand to his lips and pressed a light kiss on the back of her palm. She said bye to him and went her way. After walking half way from the spot, she turned back and looked at him, who was, at this time standing at the church gate.
That night she could not sleep properly. Whole night she thought of him and his sweet smile. Next day she went to the church but could not find him. That evening she went to the church again and this time dared to ask the father about the boy. To her amazement, father took her to the back of the church where the garden was more beautiful than the front one. Here trees were covered with climbers falling down like curtains of natural leaves, bushes were laden with beautiful flowers and grass was lush green. The scent in the air was very sweet. In between all this was hidden a graveyard and in this graveyard there was a beautiful white marble grave, freshly made. Father took her in front of it and gave her a paper.
In the paper it was written that till I don’t return your kiss I wont be able to sleep peacefully. With trembling hands she crumbled the paper and kept it in her pocket. And with tearful eyes staring at his grave stood there for a long time.
She scolded herself for being so impatient for the return of her kiss that he had to come back from beyond the life. She kissed the grave stone and promised to meet him in the eternity to be by his side, as she loved his thought so much. She wiped her cheeks and felt comfort knowing that now at least he must be at peace that he has returned what he had stolen.

Love…a Pleasure or Pressure

What is love? A feeling or an expression. Is it a pleasure or a pressure to the soul. Answer to all these questions vary from person to person. In my opinion its a feeling that can be expressed or vice versa. It is a pleasureable pressure to the soul.

If it is true it can give you immense pleasure upto the limit where it starts to hurt. The depth of it is the cause of pressure, because wone feel liable. True love is also the cause of becoming free, free to be yourself, free of all worries. It is not about possession but appreciation. Its the acceptance of lover as a person as a whole and there is no trial of changing the person as it denotes the half acceptance which is not true love.

To feel the pleasure of love one must be ready for the vulnerability of heart. Love is supposed to be the cure of all worries. But it is said that excess of anything is painful, so is true for love also. As when one person loves unaccountably and is not loved back accordingly, the hurt is beyond explaination. Your feelings are taken forgranted, for you it might be a matter of choice and not desire. To choose to love by will is thoughtful and heartfelt decision. You choose pain over pleasure because there is no love without pain and that pain gives you happiness.

There is no perfectionism in real love but one imperfect person who is perfect for the other. It is the feeling of unconditional commitment, a judgement and a promise. it is a power given to other person to destroy you and when they do, you still love them with whole of your heart, no mattter how much it pains. You always look upto the ways to hold on and stay. Knowing that you may be ignored or taken for a ride. You still love to care for them and even a slightest the slightest thought of sepration kills you. You do become a foolto smile when they actually laugh at you. You only desire for their happiness. The decision to love them never changes even though they betray. Because I believe thoroughly that Love is the beauty of soul, which grows within.

No matter how much I am in pain I derive pleasure in the state of love I am in. Even the pressure that I am going through is not sufficient to make me leave Him. For me true love is pleasure in giving myself to the person I choose, to give away my world.