Thantophobia

Gosh..! Seems ages passed and I was like…Looking for something which had some meaning or atleast resonated with what I feel…and today at this time … 10.38 pm on 23rd Jan 21, I saw … a word which had every emotion I go through. …Thantophobia.

Since my childhood I’ve always hidden my actual feelings just in case If they are known, my loved ones will be dead or leave me alone. Some incidents in my childhood and early teens, confirmed it. And today I still struggle with the same fear. I have a feeling that I am still being haunted by it. May be its true, the fear. Though I am trying to overcome it but Time pushes my efforts back everytime and confirms that my fears are true.

My Heaven

I don’t know whether it’s TRUE or not but I have heard that they say heaven is here itself where our heart is. After dying we don’t ho anywhere but find our heaven in the place where our heart is.

I’ve even read and saw in movies that souls go to a place, they are fond of. It can be any place they set their heart on, when they were alive. Even their physical condition becomes perfect and they can acquire any look from their past life. This brings me to my point of writing this post. I don’t know why but from some days I am feeling that my dead parents and grandparents, even great grandparents along with my cousin are all having a gala time at our ancestral home. They are waiting for me.

It feels like that if I go there to just have a look at my childhood home, they might give me a sign of their presence. May be my parents didn’t go any where but are just their in that home, living like they used to and watching over us. They are ready to welcome us when it’s our time to leave this body and carry on with our real self.

Even a thought of this gives me a visual that I am missing from years. Infact I am jealous that they all are reunited there and having a beautiful time together. Making all the memories again as in their life time they did. I strongly wish to visit that home once to see them or say, to feel them. Even that house is calling me. I don’t know whether you all get the vibes or not from your child home or ancestral home but I am getting it and it’s like an strong pull from it. An attraction which can not be defined but just felt. I sometimes feel like crying because I am not able to go there.

May be some of you might thi k that iys a call of age that I am feeling this way or that I might be lonely and depressed. Or may be just missing my people badly but I would like to tell you all that it’s not like this. I cannot explain the feeling but when the thought occurs, I am like transported to another level of feeling which, for me is beyond explaining in words. It just can be felt. A vision is created where I can see all of them in same time, when I was a kid with all grandeur of the place.

I feel an urge to go there and smell the time I have spent and meet my family members who are missing from this plane but existing in another. May be some of you infact all of you might think of me as a person who has lost her mind. But frankly speaking I feel this way very strongly from past few days and planning a visit there soon, next year. Bless me all and please pray that I find my peace.

You Tube

I was watching you today. So basically going through most of the recomnded channels I somehow reached some Ted Talks type channel. Hope you all know what I am talking about. So while watching first video I felt I should subs. this one as it seemed promising amd very down to earth type channel so as I subs. it, some more optioms opened up of similar nature. Out of that I again subscribed two or three, and believe me the videos which I chose to see were disheartening bit the courage of the people was so influencing that I, first time in the life wanted to go on stage holding that damn, mic, which always haunts me and I, 2ho is scared of public or even group speaking, wanted to share my experiences with the live audience. But my fear again arose, will I ne able to do so? I don’t know but listening to the speakers amd 2itnessing their courage and livliness, I want to once in my life feel so brave and acknowledge the pain.

The first video was of a girl who first lost touch with her childhood sweetheart then after many yeats reunited and secondly when finally he was about accept her love,she got the most shocking news that he met an accident while he was out to see her parents, and expired. Somehow girl moved on and now is mqrried happily. This one inspired me to listen possitive talks more often thats the reason why I subsd.

The second video from Pacific Poetey channel of a boy who met same kind of fate, dscrined his loss with a smile and a strength on his face that, first thing I questioned myself was that why can’t I speak like him? , why can’t I be so daring and fearfree? And after this video I subsd. that channel too.

Third video was again of the girl from Tape A Tale, channel and thos time the main point of her talk attracted me. This one had touched two strong chords of my whole being. My father and mother. And became the reason why I am posting this. Atleast I can write and share my story here if not on stage in front of live public. This girl described the bond between her and her father somewhat like ours and the main point of hers describes my present thoughts about my mom. If only I had hugged my mom as she used to hug me when I was in need. But I had my little baby crying in my arms and no one else arround to look after him while I could hug her. But what I could do was plant a kiss on her forehead and cup her face in my one palm and assure her that everything will be fine dont worry Maa. After that me, my brother and my son in my arms accompanied her to different hospital for better treatment, it was then other family members joined in. In another hospital she was taken to ICU and we all were askd to sit out. After 1 hour my mom sent a message from in there, that I should be sent home with the baby and come afterwards. I was not ready to do so but looking at my hungry baby I felt helpless was not able to decide whether I should go home or syay back. My aunt(mom’s co sister) and brother forced me to go back. And aunt asked her sister to prepae dinner for me and child food for the baby. From there at 12 am I returned home and was waiting all alone with the baby, for my bro. to call from hospital and tell me everything was all right or atleast one of my cousins come back and take me back to hospital. At round 1.30 am cousin did come but to pick some clothes of my Maa, after he went off, I dozzed off watching tv, waiting for news from hospital, y son sleeping soundlessly beside me. It was hardly half past 2am when I felt door opened and my aunt and others enteted my home and …..thats bit difficult to describe…..I think I am not over it yet. (I took break of 1 a d half hour before I gathered strength to complete this post.) I was still not fully awake when my aunt straight forwadly saod Maa is no more. It was not grabbed by my mind and I was sitting blank on my bed trying to make out why all are hete at this odd hour. Then aunt kept her hand on my shoulder and my father’s sister popped out her head from behind her and at this point of time aunt again repeated that Maa is no more. And they continued to talk about what all has to be done. At this point I came to my senses and realised that they were talking about my Maa. I was so lost and confused that at that odd hour I called up my hubby, who was hospitalised for his sinusitis operation, that too 1000s of miles away from me. And got out of my bed and started cleaning the house and rearranging everything to accommodate every relative in our small home. It took atleast 2 to 3 hours and the in the early hours of the morning they got Maa, home. Her body was kept in a room, and as it was not supposed ro left alone, I was asked to sit there, neside her reading the holy book. In her life I never read or believed in god (which I still dont do) but for her I read and lighted a lamp and incense sticks and stayed there for more than an hour, wishing whole time for her to come to life. Even a slight movement in the cloth covering her body I thought 2hat if she is alive and by mistake doctors have declared her dead. It took a lot of control for me to curb the urge to uncover her face and check for her breath and heartbeats. I wanted to hug her at that time atleast but was not allowed. When zhe was being taken on her last journey, all the family members were allowed to pay their regards and when it was my turn I sat crying at her feet asking elders to let me see her face one last time. My husband pulled me up from there and hugged me tight when they were taking Maa. Normally face is not covered of the body, but her face was deformed so had to cover. So that last chance of seeing her also was lost. After that I turned to my son, fed him, bathed and dressed him and gave him to my mom in law and then started to take care of all the work that had to be performed. Till 3 days same thing continued. My in laws and husband were very strong support. My brother was busy in last rite rituals and all but my father’s both sisters and my two aunts, they stood beside me. My youngest uncle took care of everything related to rituals. The day my mom died I didnt cry on hearing the devastating news but when they took her away that time I cried like anything and was uncontrollable but once she was gone and relatibes and friends startd to pour in I disnt get the chance ro cry even. The moment I wiped my tears till date I didnot cry for her. Not because I am brave but because i am affraid. Tears of many years still welling up inside may not be controlled. Everyone said and still say upon meeting I have great courage and strong heart but no one knows how week I am to confront my pain and loss. And the sharp thorn that pierces is that I could not hug her one last time and was not arround her when she took her last breath. If only I was not forced to go home and if only I was not busy with my little son I would hqve huhged her. I curse myself and my guilt for being busy with my child, kills me for being selfish. I will not forgive myself ever.

My papa and me shared close bond, though I was afraid of him a lot. But he was such a sweetheart that he didn’t gave anyone a chance to worry. He passed away on his office chair, talking and smiling with his colleagues. He was hale and hearty when sudden cardiac arrest took him away. At that rime also I shrieked only once, in the hospital outside the emergency room, where he was taken to, by his office people. After that till now I never cried for him either. But in my heart I always wish what if he is still alive somewhere we are not aware of (he got a post in world bank on behalf of our government. And we’ve been told its somewhat secret and should not be made public). I do hope every now and then that one dy he will call me. (For maa also I strongly feel that she might be still in mumbai hospital waiting for us to come and get her discharged).

My both parents passed away in the gap of exact 7 years, in the same month. They even shared same birthday.

But why I wrote this post is to share with you all that this life is very unpredictable, don’t know what’s waiting on next turn, next step. So enjoy the company of your parents, love them as much as you can. Be there for them when they need you. Dont shrug their urges to come and meet them, their craving to spend sometime with you. Make them the part of your busy life and schedule. Express as much love as you can in all the possible ways. Care for them, understand them. Live with them while they are alive and save yourself from leading your whole remaing life in your thoughts with their memories. Do make memories but smiling ones.

Longing

You were so strong headed

I thought you will never leave my side

You were so sweet hearted

I thought you will kill me by sweetness

One sudden day my world was upside down

I found myself drowning in despair

It was so hard to come out and survive in that dark

Yet I found a ray of light in my love for you

I clung to it and swam across the sorrows but I know

What is seen is not all true, there’s truth hiding behind curtain

Yet I see some hope and old love in those eyes of yours

I find myself longing for you yet again and again

But I know everything has changed to the core.