Thantophobia

Gosh..! Seems ages passed and I was like…Looking for something which had some meaning or atleast resonated with what I feel…and today at this time … 10.38 pm on 23rd Jan 21, I saw … a word which had every emotion I go through. …Thantophobia.

Since my childhood I’ve always hidden my actual feelings just in case If they are known, my loved ones will be dead or leave me alone. Some incidents in my childhood and early teens, confirmed it. And today I still struggle with the same fear. I have a feeling that I am still being haunted by it. May be its true, the fear. Though I am trying to overcome it but Time pushes my efforts back everytime and confirms that my fears are true.

My Heaven

I don’t know whether it’s TRUE or not but I have heard that they say heaven is here itself where our heart is. After dying we don’t ho anywhere but find our heaven in the place where our heart is.

I’ve even read and saw in movies that souls go to a place, they are fond of. It can be any place they set their heart on, when they were alive. Even their physical condition becomes perfect and they can acquire any look from their past life. This brings me to my point of writing this post. I don’t know why but from some days I am feeling that my dead parents and grandparents, even great grandparents along with my cousin are all having a gala time at our ancestral home. They are waiting for me.

It feels like that if I go there to just have a look at my childhood home, they might give me a sign of their presence. May be my parents didn’t go any where but are just their in that home, living like they used to and watching over us. They are ready to welcome us when it’s our time to leave this body and carry on with our real self.

Even a thought of this gives me a visual that I am missing from years. Infact I am jealous that they all are reunited there and having a beautiful time together. Making all the memories again as in their life time they did. I strongly wish to visit that home once to see them or say, to feel them. Even that house is calling me. I don’t know whether you all get the vibes or not from your child home or ancestral home but I am getting it and it’s like an strong pull from it. An attraction which can not be defined but just felt. I sometimes feel like crying because I am not able to go there.

May be some of you might thi k that iys a call of age that I am feeling this way or that I might be lonely and depressed. Or may be just missing my people badly but I would like to tell you all that it’s not like this. I cannot explain the feeling but when the thought occurs, I am like transported to another level of feeling which, for me is beyond explaining in words. It just can be felt. A vision is created where I can see all of them in same time, when I was a kid with all grandeur of the place.

I feel an urge to go there and smell the time I have spent and meet my family members who are missing from this plane but existing in another. May be some of you infact all of you might think of me as a person who has lost her mind. But frankly speaking I feel this way very strongly from past few days and planning a visit there soon, next year. Bless me all and please pray that I find my peace.

Random Thoughts

I have stopped touching my evergreen wound in order to let it heal. It’s okay untill I don’t wander in its direction and every thing goes back to ground zero. How hartd I may try, it attacks, or shall I say my minddoes not want me to heal. It has become unhealing sore.

Learning to ignore things is one of the great paths to inner peace…..I have recently learnt and believe it thoroughly. When negative thoughts arise or feelings tend to sadden me, I just simply ignore them. The thoughts which create havoc in my heart and mind, I shift my focusfrom them to the more happy thougths. Sometimes just out of the mere need to speak something to avoid the regretfull events that may follow, I speak totally different from what is going on in my mind, shocking myself and mind both. But believe me, it does pay.

Why I Write.

Somewhere on the net I read ” when you can tell your story and it doesn’t make you cry, you know you have healed” I am waiting for that moment to happen to me, when i can turn back and atleast smile without a tinge of pain, over what I want to tell in the book I am writing, which I actually avoid writing.
I know its not only about me but everyone arround me. Still its a sad and bitter experience for me and I know where I have been due to this and how I have come back, not yet to the mark I was supposed to be but still kicking back at life and trying to heal, from the place where once was and never wanted to come back. I never wanted to see what life could hold for me or what sun’s first ray of light hold for me. But then I gathered all my willingness to love back and see the smiles on my children’s face I tried to fake what I wanted and here I am today, trying to take over my life and have my own way, not giving in, to my demons.
I never looked for any one to help me climb up but I supported my self to climb the ladder towards light. There was or is no one to understand me but me, so i just hold my hand and walk step by step in the darkest of hours just hoping to reach the point from where I can start my journey towards light. There were many critical points in past couple of years when everything was blurred and muddled and I wanted to give up but some how could not do so. Because everytime it happened a voice in me told to hold on little bit tighter and hangon, because I never was a coward but a fighter, a lone one, I always hadbeen my own strength so how come I can give up so easily or without trying a one more time and thus whenever I felt low the innervoice told me same thing over and over again. Even now it continues to knock some sense in my dumb head. If it was not for my gutt feeling I would never have survived so long. Not this heart break atleast. In other words I have been a good cheerleader for myself in hard times and still am and will continue to be.
Earlier I thought being a writer is very cool and to write about your pain, is cooler then anything else but now I knnow for being a cool writer how hard you have to work and how much pain you have to go through. Living the long burried painful moments again and again is very tiring and horrible. Then I came to know being a writer is very responsible thing because you are influencing lives of many through your pains, gains and losses for which you have to relive them. Because you know yourself better and all your experiences come in handy while writing. Thus, I understand that writing is really a healer for not readers alone but for the writers too. A best way to come out of your inhibitions and encounter your fears, pains, losses and other darker side of you. Writing about them not only heals you but inspires others also giving them the hope and a way to try out. It`s like saving your own life.
Sometimes I hide from myself when I don`t want to write or stop writing. It happens often, because I cann`t take the burden of my demons. I just start running, forgetting that its the only way out. The more I will acknowladge it the lesser the impact will be upon me. But sometimes I feel exhausted and left with no energy to carry on. But I know I have to face it some or the other day so why not now, this brings me back to my paper and pen. Because I want everyone to know that failures and defeats are a small part of our life but the life as a whole is very vast and promising if we give it a chance and a second chance in case of some people. periodical drawbacks cann`t be given chance to loom over a big chunk of life demolishing it to nothingness and robbing us of our right to be happy ever after.
So I write just to say if I can try so others can too.

My realization.

Dreams are for being realized. No matter what problems come in your way, don’t get disheartened and act in haste or irrational way. Taking decision at once may result in own loss, not anyone else. At least I have learnt this recently. Rethinking with cool mind may give you new ways out to reach your goal. May be it will take some more time, some more patience and hard work. But believe me it will happen whether with someone’s help or you alone will do it. SO be ready and get prepared to walk alone if time demands. Keep sticking to your dreams, breath them and live them. This is the only way to realize them.

Waiting to see you all on the other side of the land where the grass is green, sky is blue and life is beautiful.

Pretending that I am brave and I can do anything I have in my hands is pretty much easy than fighting with my own mind. I know all my interests and likings are gone but to try and start doing something is far more easy than being alone in the greys of my mood and staring back at the blankness.

I just picked up my pen and camera. I am trying to fill in the colors in my black and white photos. Behind the scene, the real story is disheartening and soul snatching. I am sorry to say but this is the fact of my condition right now. Many a times a thought of ending everything comes to my mind and I am afraid of it. I love my children so much that I can’t even dare to think so. Thus keeping my children in mind I have decided to fight…and believe me writing has helped me a lot.

Some liberties I got and rest I took. And because of it I know there are many like me and there is no shame in opening about the condition. I know my mental illness is not going to leave me but I know it can be controlled. This fact has helped me a lot and all this I found out here on the net, by writing and reading a lot about sufferers like me. Some of their stories made me cry some of them made me strong. Today with all your support and zest for love for my children I am again trying my level best to fight back.

For me every color of life has been washed away with the betrayal of my love but I am trying to rekindle my interest in everything. So that I can let it(the pain) go and be happy. I want to be happy because I am suffocating down here, in the cage of my thoughts. They don’t let me come up, as I try to climb, they pull me down. So after writing, I am picking up one more interest to rekindle…that is Camera. I will take my trail to survive, to next level. I don’t like to give up neither I like to fail. So will keep trying.

I believe that your investments (in any walk of life) never go in vain. Its degree of your faith that gets you the returns in many folds or even loss. So with my fingers crossed and heart in my work, I am starting my new you tube channel, hoping that it will take me one more step closer to my dreams coming true.

Then I wish to speak. I mean when I was studying and we had some program in school I was so afraid of acting or debating on stage. And group discussions were nightmares. But once in grade 8 I was asked to read a school report in front of everyone present as I started the mic went off but in my tension to finish the report I continued to read it loudly so that everyone can listen. I was surprised to know that I was appreciated for that. This incident gave mea boost so one more time and that was the last time I spoke publically, for the class project I had to explain my model. Everyone listened attentively thus my teacher said I had the talent of Gap. So this I want to try in next level.

These all are my tools to fight with my depression.  For anxiety I have to master the mind game tools. I am trying meditation, yoga and other mind calming tools. I don’t have mastered the techniques yet but I know it will pay me in the long run. As for panic attacks and sleep paralysis and hallucinations I am searching. If anybody knows something to deal with these two please leave the remedy in my comment section.

I believe every human being has the right to be happy, this is the reason I have no grudge against my hubby and his muse. If they are happy that way let them be. I am happy loving him. As I said universe is very powerful, it will look into the matter and will accordingly justify. So, being happy is what I am destined to be. Thus regaining my true happiness is I am aiming right now. In the eyes of my children I want to be a good mother so that later in their lives they don’t feel bad about me and our relationship. I want them to smile whenever they see me and give me tight hugs. Their sweet chatters and their naughtiness driving me crazy, are what I want to enjoy. I want to feel everything. I want to feel pain, I want to feel love and all this is true happiness for me. For this I am trying my level best to cope with what I  am going through.

I don’t know what I am writing but today just wanted to share my inner feelings with you all and ask for some other ways to tackle this. Hope you will understand and give me suggestions.

You Tube

I was watching you today. So basically going through most of the recomnded channels I somehow reached some Ted Talks type channel. Hope you all know what I am talking about. So while watching first video I felt I should subs. this one as it seemed promising amd very down to earth type channel so as I subs. it, some more optioms opened up of similar nature. Out of that I again subscribed two or three, and believe me the videos which I chose to see were disheartening bit the courage of the people was so influencing that I, first time in the life wanted to go on stage holding that damn, mic, which always haunts me and I, 2ho is scared of public or even group speaking, wanted to share my experiences with the live audience. But my fear again arose, will I ne able to do so? I don’t know but listening to the speakers amd 2itnessing their courage and livliness, I want to once in my life feel so brave and acknowledge the pain.

The first video was of a girl who first lost touch with her childhood sweetheart then after many yeats reunited and secondly when finally he was about accept her love,she got the most shocking news that he met an accident while he was out to see her parents, and expired. Somehow girl moved on and now is mqrried happily. This one inspired me to listen possitive talks more often thats the reason why I subsd.

The second video from Pacific Poetey channel of a boy who met same kind of fate, dscrined his loss with a smile and a strength on his face that, first thing I questioned myself was that why can’t I speak like him? , why can’t I be so daring and fearfree? And after this video I subsd. that channel too.

Third video was again of the girl from Tape A Tale, channel and thos time the main point of her talk attracted me. This one had touched two strong chords of my whole being. My father and mother. And became the reason why I am posting this. Atleast I can write and share my story here if not on stage in front of live public. This girl described the bond between her and her father somewhat like ours and the main point of hers describes my present thoughts about my mom. If only I had hugged my mom as she used to hug me when I was in need. But I had my little baby crying in my arms and no one else arround to look after him while I could hug her. But what I could do was plant a kiss on her forehead and cup her face in my one palm and assure her that everything will be fine dont worry Maa. After that me, my brother and my son in my arms accompanied her to different hospital for better treatment, it was then other family members joined in. In another hospital she was taken to ICU and we all were askd to sit out. After 1 hour my mom sent a message from in there, that I should be sent home with the baby and come afterwards. I was not ready to do so but looking at my hungry baby I felt helpless was not able to decide whether I should go home or syay back. My aunt(mom’s co sister) and brother forced me to go back. And aunt asked her sister to prepae dinner for me and child food for the baby. From there at 12 am I returned home and was waiting all alone with the baby, for my bro. to call from hospital and tell me everything was all right or atleast one of my cousins come back and take me back to hospital. At round 1.30 am cousin did come but to pick some clothes of my Maa, after he went off, I dozzed off watching tv, waiting for news from hospital, y son sleeping soundlessly beside me. It was hardly half past 2am when I felt door opened and my aunt and others enteted my home and …..thats bit difficult to describe…..I think I am not over it yet. (I took break of 1 a d half hour before I gathered strength to complete this post.) I was still not fully awake when my aunt straight forwadly saod Maa is no more. It was not grabbed by my mind and I was sitting blank on my bed trying to make out why all are hete at this odd hour. Then aunt kept her hand on my shoulder and my father’s sister popped out her head from behind her and at this point of time aunt again repeated that Maa is no more. And they continued to talk about what all has to be done. At this point I came to my senses and realised that they were talking about my Maa. I was so lost and confused that at that odd hour I called up my hubby, who was hospitalised for his sinusitis operation, that too 1000s of miles away from me. And got out of my bed and started cleaning the house and rearranging everything to accommodate every relative in our small home. It took atleast 2 to 3 hours and the in the early hours of the morning they got Maa, home. Her body was kept in a room, and as it was not supposed ro left alone, I was asked to sit there, neside her reading the holy book. In her life I never read or believed in god (which I still dont do) but for her I read and lighted a lamp and incense sticks and stayed there for more than an hour, wishing whole time for her to come to life. Even a slight movement in the cloth covering her body I thought 2hat if she is alive and by mistake doctors have declared her dead. It took a lot of control for me to curb the urge to uncover her face and check for her breath and heartbeats. I wanted to hug her at that time atleast but was not allowed. When zhe was being taken on her last journey, all the family members were allowed to pay their regards and when it was my turn I sat crying at her feet asking elders to let me see her face one last time. My husband pulled me up from there and hugged me tight when they were taking Maa. Normally face is not covered of the body, but her face was deformed so had to cover. So that last chance of seeing her also was lost. After that I turned to my son, fed him, bathed and dressed him and gave him to my mom in law and then started to take care of all the work that had to be performed. Till 3 days same thing continued. My in laws and husband were very strong support. My brother was busy in last rite rituals and all but my father’s both sisters and my two aunts, they stood beside me. My youngest uncle took care of everything related to rituals. The day my mom died I didnt cry on hearing the devastating news but when they took her away that time I cried like anything and was uncontrollable but once she was gone and relatibes and friends startd to pour in I disnt get the chance ro cry even. The moment I wiped my tears till date I didnot cry for her. Not because I am brave but because i am affraid. Tears of many years still welling up inside may not be controlled. Everyone said and still say upon meeting I have great courage and strong heart but no one knows how week I am to confront my pain and loss. And the sharp thorn that pierces is that I could not hug her one last time and was not arround her when she took her last breath. If only I was not forced to go home and if only I was not busy with my little son I would hqve huhged her. I curse myself and my guilt for being busy with my child, kills me for being selfish. I will not forgive myself ever.

My papa and me shared close bond, though I was afraid of him a lot. But he was such a sweetheart that he didn’t gave anyone a chance to worry. He passed away on his office chair, talking and smiling with his colleagues. He was hale and hearty when sudden cardiac arrest took him away. At that rime also I shrieked only once, in the hospital outside the emergency room, where he was taken to, by his office people. After that till now I never cried for him either. But in my heart I always wish what if he is still alive somewhere we are not aware of (he got a post in world bank on behalf of our government. And we’ve been told its somewhat secret and should not be made public). I do hope every now and then that one dy he will call me. (For maa also I strongly feel that she might be still in mumbai hospital waiting for us to come and get her discharged).

My both parents passed away in the gap of exact 7 years, in the same month. They even shared same birthday.

But why I wrote this post is to share with you all that this life is very unpredictable, don’t know what’s waiting on next turn, next step. So enjoy the company of your parents, love them as much as you can. Be there for them when they need you. Dont shrug their urges to come and meet them, their craving to spend sometime with you. Make them the part of your busy life and schedule. Express as much love as you can in all the possible ways. Care for them, understand them. Live with them while they are alive and save yourself from leading your whole remaing life in your thoughts with their memories. Do make memories but smiling ones.

Scared!

I was going through my whatsapp contacts when suddenly got shocked!

At first I thought it might be some graphic or may be some downloaded image which is used as DP. But when I was able to see it properly, I was shocked. I meam really scared, sacares as in horror movies! I saw and then saw it again and then again.

No, I am not exaggerating, but when you see someone more or less on daily basis doing their job and even interact with them once or twice and suddenly this horrible DP jumps out in front of you, which has their hand scribbled in bloody bold capitals ” I HATE MY LIFE”, it surely will give you goose bumps. Atleast it did to me. I am not accustomed to such dreadful sightings.

Its ironic that a person who deals in flowers is so depressed that he does this. Its so obvious now a days that people who appear to be smiling and distributing happiness, amongst them are the most depressive and lonely people.

I pray for peace , for all those who are fighting their demons.