Aah… this is called Heaven!

Coffee and heaven is synonymous, atleast for me. It is one sure shot medicine for all my problems and illnesses and even mood swings. The moment it came into my hand it changed the whole environment.

Now, for being absent from the picture for a long time. There is lot of turmoil going on in my personal life. There is so much confusion and because of that so much anxiety and irritation. So much anger that got point of vent in form of self hurt.

Few days back I came across a situation where I could finally, makeout that how the people committing suicide get courage to do so and after all what do they think in the decision making moment. And believe me its really frightening. That numbness doesn’t want anything else but just the way to engulf the life.

Actually, I was planning to write some other post few days back. In totally different mood. About my WIP and one small achievement of mine but sudden turn of luck brought me here, to this post.

I will surely share my happy mood post soon but today somehow gathered courage to write it down and share with you all. It makes me feel lighter and better. Above all, I feel surrounded by many warriors and their support.

I am glad, that you all keep tugging even though sometimes I am not around.

Silience

His eyes rose to meet mine,

as I believed I was the

only one, I asked

” You Love me and

only me, and are mine

alone; right?”

He could just stare into

my direction just above

my head. Then

a long silience followed.

Why I am not writing ?

The time has passed very past since I started blogging and now I am in a phase where my pain has given a way to numbness, sort of. And I still am trying to figure out what I want?

Basically the idea behind to start the blog was to put out my thoughts in words because they were emergings in such a speed in my mind that I was not able to cope up, plus they were thoughts of hopelessness, so I thought it better to put them out of my mind or else they might have turnedme crazy or lunatic, killed me at most.

But, now the urgency of taking them out has slowed down a bit and plus my hubby bcomes angry seeing them as he feels whatever he is doing for me to take my mind away from the insulting betraying pain he has given me, is useless and wants to stop loving and caring for me finally. So, I have stopped thinking, at all and turned absentminded. I am, sometimes blank, or dumb or even weired.

There are many distractions I am fancying now a days to stop thinking and writing. Till now I didnt know why I am staying away from the blog or why not writing poems or songs even, but while writing this very blogpost I realized what’s the reason behind my not able to write, write anything at all. Because, my words spoke about the pain I feel, the hurt I am going through. Now I know the whole life I am living is just a pretence of happiness and peace. But for the love of children this pretence is nccessary, so I think its better to stay away from what all is going on in my heart, let the mind be unaware of real me for the sake of happiness and smile of my children.

But, tell you what? Its really scary when by chance or mistakenly I take a sneakpeak inside me, like today. The real me is still very furious and hurt, looking ways for forgive herself, to come to terms with the harsh reality of life. Pray for me please, that I stay sane and Live life not spend it. I want to enjoy the chance I’ve got, do not want to waste it as it may be the last and only.

Love

Sitting on the dining chair beside the window, holding her face in palm, she seemed to be lost. The sunlight making her already white hair more silvery. Tucking the greys behind her ear,released a sob, looking at the photo she was holding in her hand.

“Where did I go wrong?” Was all she could think of, when a wave of cold despair washed upon her. She was just a bubbly girl when they met. Going against her patents and everyone who cared, fighting her way to him, she had married him. Infact made everyone to bow on her terms, by hook or crook managed to bring their relation to marriage. He also at the time, was so eager and on edge that broke all the promises to his mother and moulded them to fulfil his wish to marry her. Both on their part went problems many folds.

But today siting here alone she was again lost in her dark world searching for some answers. Answers that were not destined to be found. Years passed but no answer came for the questions she carried in her mind, banging her head in vein. What happened that took live out of the air? He found his refuge in someone else… without even taking the courtsey to tell he rthat it was all over between them! Or was it really? This is the question keeps hitting hard.

It was that doomed day that she found about his relation. On confronting him he was quiet, quiet like a small kid who on being scolded by teacher for being guilty and few days later refuted like he was the grown up teenager who was not ready to admit that he was at fault. Later she was blamed for everything that happened? “What have I done to earn this? What is it that doesnt happen in other households or families? Even my own in-laws havethe flaw? Then why me being punished?” Nothing to be found as relief. Only the questions giving back more questions. More uneasiness.

Depression which once was a bird that flew overhead but never nested is now the permanent resident, along with friends like anxiety and panic attack. This too is blamed now on jer that she was a patient and its not his fault, infact its her leathergic ways and overpossessive nature that turned him away.

Bell on the door rang and she sprung form her darkness to full bright mom in action. Her children, for whom she was now alive, were her sole intrest. Though that ability was too countlessly questioned. She performed all her duties and chores, for the rest of the day, with all those head banging questions looming at thba k of her mind continuously nudgging her now and then.

Putting them to bed, she resumed her search again. Was this all for which they went through so much pain? Took risks, still hovering over them. Sipping her night coffee in her lounge, she stretched her neck back and rested on the headrest of the lounge. The light was dim, window open and cool breeze of the rainy day coming in bringing the wet smell of the greens from the fresh rain half an hour back. Still there was no sign of him. Phone rang, she picked up the phone ” hello?” “I’ll be late, going to a movie darling. Dont worry I will eat outside.” Was all he had said.
She closed her eyes and two drops of tears rolled down her eyes as she shut them. They were trying to be as normal as they could because none of them could leave eachother. He for his guilt and she for her stupid heart. Morning incident cherned in her mind like a film reel. When she had said “Am I good enough now, atleast?” To which he answered “Yes you are my dear. And am I not a better person now? Giving you more time and being there for you more than ever?” In her mind she answered could he not do this without ruining magic of their relation? Couldnt he be more loving before all this fall? But to him she said “No, you are not. ” He was amazed at this and asked ” tell me are you serious, didn’t I change a bit as a better husband?” “No.” Was her blunt reply.” May I know why?”he asked lovingly. “Because then you were mine and mine alone.” That was all she managed to say in a tearful voice.

I need a change of heart!

I need a change of heart! Is there any way? As in replacement of heart.

Sometimes I think that, really extreme of anything is not good, so I want to get my heart transplanted or my brain to be replaced or even to have Alzheimer’s or something similar. I just want to forget the memories no matter good or bad. They give pain equally deep and sharp.

Sometimes love has to teach you the lessons you don’t want to learn, in a very painful way.

You Tube

I was watching you today. So basically going through most of the recomnded channels I somehow reached some Ted Talks type channel. Hope you all know what I am talking about. So while watching first video I felt I should subs. this one as it seemed promising amd very down to earth type channel so as I subs. it, some more optioms opened up of similar nature. Out of that I again subscribed two or three, and believe me the videos which I chose to see were disheartening bit the courage of the people was so influencing that I, first time in the life wanted to go on stage holding that damn, mic, which always haunts me and I, 2ho is scared of public or even group speaking, wanted to share my experiences with the live audience. But my fear again arose, will I ne able to do so? I don’t know but listening to the speakers amd 2itnessing their courage and livliness, I want to once in my life feel so brave and acknowledge the pain.

The first video was of a girl who first lost touch with her childhood sweetheart then after many yeats reunited and secondly when finally he was about accept her love,she got the most shocking news that he met an accident while he was out to see her parents, and expired. Somehow girl moved on and now is mqrried happily. This one inspired me to listen possitive talks more often thats the reason why I subsd.

The second video from Pacific Poetey channel of a boy who met same kind of fate, dscrined his loss with a smile and a strength on his face that, first thing I questioned myself was that why can’t I speak like him? , why can’t I be so daring and fearfree? And after this video I subsd. that channel too.

Third video was again of the girl from Tape A Tale, channel and thos time the main point of her talk attracted me. This one had touched two strong chords of my whole being. My father and mother. And became the reason why I am posting this. Atleast I can write and share my story here if not on stage in front of live public. This girl described the bond between her and her father somewhat like ours and the main point of hers describes my present thoughts about my mom. If only I had hugged my mom as she used to hug me when I was in need. But I had my little baby crying in my arms and no one else arround to look after him while I could hug her. But what I could do was plant a kiss on her forehead and cup her face in my one palm and assure her that everything will be fine dont worry Maa. After that me, my brother and my son in my arms accompanied her to different hospital for better treatment, it was then other family members joined in. In another hospital she was taken to ICU and we all were askd to sit out. After 1 hour my mom sent a message from in there, that I should be sent home with the baby and come afterwards. I was not ready to do so but looking at my hungry baby I felt helpless was not able to decide whether I should go home or syay back. My aunt(mom’s co sister) and brother forced me to go back. And aunt asked her sister to prepae dinner for me and child food for the baby. From there at 12 am I returned home and was waiting all alone with the baby, for my bro. to call from hospital and tell me everything was all right or atleast one of my cousins come back and take me back to hospital. At round 1.30 am cousin did come but to pick some clothes of my Maa, after he went off, I dozzed off watching tv, waiting for news from hospital, y son sleeping soundlessly beside me. It was hardly half past 2am when I felt door opened and my aunt and others enteted my home and …..thats bit difficult to describe…..I think I am not over it yet. (I took break of 1 a d half hour before I gathered strength to complete this post.) I was still not fully awake when my aunt straight forwadly saod Maa is no more. It was not grabbed by my mind and I was sitting blank on my bed trying to make out why all are hete at this odd hour. Then aunt kept her hand on my shoulder and my father’s sister popped out her head from behind her and at this point of time aunt again repeated that Maa is no more. And they continued to talk about what all has to be done. At this point I came to my senses and realised that they were talking about my Maa. I was so lost and confused that at that odd hour I called up my hubby, who was hospitalised for his sinusitis operation, that too 1000s of miles away from me. And got out of my bed and started cleaning the house and rearranging everything to accommodate every relative in our small home. It took atleast 2 to 3 hours and the in the early hours of the morning they got Maa, home. Her body was kept in a room, and as it was not supposed ro left alone, I was asked to sit there, neside her reading the holy book. In her life I never read or believed in god (which I still dont do) but for her I read and lighted a lamp and incense sticks and stayed there for more than an hour, wishing whole time for her to come to life. Even a slight movement in the cloth covering her body I thought 2hat if she is alive and by mistake doctors have declared her dead. It took a lot of control for me to curb the urge to uncover her face and check for her breath and heartbeats. I wanted to hug her at that time atleast but was not allowed. When zhe was being taken on her last journey, all the family members were allowed to pay their regards and when it was my turn I sat crying at her feet asking elders to let me see her face one last time. My husband pulled me up from there and hugged me tight when they were taking Maa. Normally face is not covered of the body, but her face was deformed so had to cover. So that last chance of seeing her also was lost. After that I turned to my son, fed him, bathed and dressed him and gave him to my mom in law and then started to take care of all the work that had to be performed. Till 3 days same thing continued. My in laws and husband were very strong support. My brother was busy in last rite rituals and all but my father’s both sisters and my two aunts, they stood beside me. My youngest uncle took care of everything related to rituals. The day my mom died I didnt cry on hearing the devastating news but when they took her away that time I cried like anything and was uncontrollable but once she was gone and relatibes and friends startd to pour in I disnt get the chance ro cry even. The moment I wiped my tears till date I didnot cry for her. Not because I am brave but because i am affraid. Tears of many years still welling up inside may not be controlled. Everyone said and still say upon meeting I have great courage and strong heart but no one knows how week I am to confront my pain and loss. And the sharp thorn that pierces is that I could not hug her one last time and was not arround her when she took her last breath. If only I was not forced to go home and if only I was not busy with my little son I would hqve huhged her. I curse myself and my guilt for being busy with my child, kills me for being selfish. I will not forgive myself ever.

My papa and me shared close bond, though I was afraid of him a lot. But he was such a sweetheart that he didn’t gave anyone a chance to worry. He passed away on his office chair, talking and smiling with his colleagues. He was hale and hearty when sudden cardiac arrest took him away. At that rime also I shrieked only once, in the hospital outside the emergency room, where he was taken to, by his office people. After that till now I never cried for him either. But in my heart I always wish what if he is still alive somewhere we are not aware of (he got a post in world bank on behalf of our government. And we’ve been told its somewhat secret and should not be made public). I do hope every now and then that one dy he will call me. (For maa also I strongly feel that she might be still in mumbai hospital waiting for us to come and get her discharged).

My both parents passed away in the gap of exact 7 years, in the same month. They even shared same birthday.

But why I wrote this post is to share with you all that this life is very unpredictable, don’t know what’s waiting on next turn, next step. So enjoy the company of your parents, love them as much as you can. Be there for them when they need you. Dont shrug their urges to come and meet them, their craving to spend sometime with you. Make them the part of your busy life and schedule. Express as much love as you can in all the possible ways. Care for them, understand them. Live with them while they are alive and save yourself from leading your whole remaing life in your thoughts with their memories. Do make memories but smiling ones.

Rail of my thoughts-2

The scars and wounds of love betrayal are so deep that they never heal. They stay there to remind us of our pain amd loss. Loss of love, faith, life and intrest in everything we ever loved.

The pain never goes, it keeps on simmering below the put up smile and made up face. The fake intrest in life makes it more harder to love life. All the lost dreams and bursted desires, ambitions stand aside and keep teasing us making funny faces at our attempts to fake them.

This genrates the broken trust and dysfunctional nelief system. Which ulti ately leabes a person so lonely and irritated that they start building a wall more higher and from this captivity they themselves can never come out. Lonely souls wandering in the sea of people. You don’t have anyone to share your feelings with,no one to wipe tour tears when you cry, but you become so numb that you dont even cry.

People like me have foumd one source of ranting out the whole thing which is on their mind, through writing and expressing whatever bothers them. Maintaining a diary or a journal is like a copy of converstion with people. You tell everything to it, I mean write every feeling’s each word assuming that You are talking to a person and sharing tour thougjts and ideas. Sometimes tearing off or burning of the pages gives even more satisfaction. This trick may not work 100% for everyone but it does slow downs the pace of racing thoughts. Giving you some control ober your life and time to take right decisions to make your life better if not perfect.

Once again…

Some times it felt that he understands what I go through, he feels sorry for what he did to me. But now my all misunderstandings are cleared.

Whatever I use tontell him, he only heard it but never understood, not a single word of it. My all tears were in vain. Now I am again standing on the point from where I started my journey few years back…all alone and lonely. No one to support, not a single soul to console me.

Suddenly everything has lost its meaning and every moment has become empty. New emptyness, meaninglessness, painful feelings have entered my soul, afresh.

I am like on staring into the blank with a confused look in eyes and on face, still not getting why am here and above all why in the first place did I entered this relation, jsut to face this situation? No, I mean sometimes I find myself wondering is this my ppave, 7s this my home, or am I at someone’s place and using their rights as my own. Have I made a mistake and taken someome else’s place, so the condition? Whatever it is, I dont feel it right. I am desprate to just leave everything and go hiding in some unknown place.

Just done with my quota of pain. I cannot bear anymore. I am totally broken, just one more blow, a single one even a slightest blow and I am gone. Gone for good and ever. So fragile I have become.

Hope there is something which holds me up tightly for few more days, just in case someday everything might turn into right direction. Or may be I become more tough to resist the blows.

If nothing comes in my support, I wish, wellwishes of people who feel deep and understand the pain, are with me. Thanks all of you for lending an ear, understanding and extanding support. My hearty wishes and prayers reach out to you all.

Sorry.

Life is nothing but a bubble of air. For me it is more of a storm, a strong wind and a striking thunder. Never thought I will be saying so after these many years of living life in carefree style. 

It has given me more than it took or should I say the visa verse of the whole situation? Strange, right? I am confused about my own life and the situation. May be many laugh about this condition of mine but I can’t help it as it’s truth. I am not able to change the reality. If I could, I would have done ages ago. Or at least when I desperately wanted to do so. 

Pain is one thing that is keeping me alive or should I say giving me the feel of being alive or else I was dead years ago. It’s pain that tells me that I can still feel, tears crawl down cheeks at mere mention of word pain. Sometimes it’s like I want to cut out my heart away to just not to feel the pain. But then I have seen the day’s when I was numb, had no emotions, nothing at all, to call myself alive. But it was for pain that didn’t leave my side and holded on to me and brought me back to feelings. 

I know it’s very hard to imagine all this but I’ve been there and done that. So I can say yes it’s hard but not impossible. Though I may live with pain forever now but at least I can feel, at least trust with all my doubts held in there. It’s better to trust some how rather than being empty and dead inside. 

Still sometimes I feel empty and dead but who cares? Literally no one. Not even the one who swears by my breath. Then comes a time when I myself start disbelieving myself and take least care of my emotional condition. And believe me that is the most pitied condition I ever face in life. And that is the time when I just don’t care for my life or even the ones whom I hold near aand dear to my heart. It’s the maximum height of self detachment when I try or think to take my own life. Or sometimes I keep thinking how good it would be if something claims my life. I know it’s the biggest cowardly thing I do but then it’s all is not in my hand. It’s all there in my mind, in the chemical imbalance of the mind. I am trying to tame it or say control it, through whatever way it’s possible. 

But would like to mention one last but not the least thing that I am going through the living hell. The reason for all my downfall is to stay with me whole life, and there is no hope of it getting lost. I breathe it, it’s in my veins and above all I live it. Daily 24/7 365 days I have to live with it. Still I am trying to fight my way back to at least live with a simple smile if not carefree days back in my life.

A request…