The Shooting Star.

A lovely book by Shivya Nath. These days I am reading her. What impresses me is her language, her choice of words. The way she narrates her travel story, her journey from being a homely Indian Girl to the Global Girl she is now, touches my heart deeply. I tried to put off that book and start working on mine, but there is a little whisper at the back of my mind which lures me back to read it and by the time I realise, I am already deeply immersed in that book of hers. Her style is so expressive that it makes one experience the feelings she is going through. When the adrenalin running through her veins; circulates in yours, you cannot make out.

Through her writing you can feel the cool breeze rubbing your cheeks. The night sky of the places she’s been to comes alive in your memories. Her fear, her confusion and her anxiety all become your personal experience. Her agony, her joy her friends and above all her experience with the people she met through her journey and people on her personal upfront all seem acquainted to you.

I never found any memoir so inspiring and intriguing that made me cry, cry for the life I am missing, the way I wanted to be. This particular book made me realise that I have wasted my half life doing nothing apart from washing laundry, cooking meals and dusting the cob-webs. No, I am not blaming this book about making me cry but praising it to make me accept the small voice of my heart. From past few months I am longing to lead a nomadic life, somewhere deep inside the far off places. The places which are not yet been explored call me. From the age of adolescent, I’ve been touring places. But I now realise that I don’t want to be a tourist. Actually my heart aches for wandering. I want to be a traveller in the real sense and not merely a tourist.

`The Shooting Stars’ engulfs me so much that at the point I am craving for getting back what my soul is searching for. Infect, I want my life to end up soon and I be born as a wander or have the opportunity to lead a free life.

I want to scale the high mountains, run in the valleys, breathe in the fresh air. I want to feel the nature embracing me. I want the sea waves to giggle under my feet, the warm sand and wind slapping against my face. The rain drops drenching me to the core of my soul and quench my thirst.

There is so much that I have not done and it pricks like a thorn in my heart but the time is not over yet. I still am breathing and walking so I have decided to make up for the lost time. May be I cannot climb summits or paraglide but still I can travel to new places and at least try to track some of the mounts. Meet people who are not yet civilised go, deep in the heart of my country. Learn from the nature sleep under the open sky counting My Shooting Stars!

Negative Vibes

Negative vibes travel faster than any other mood vibes. And they tend to linger on longer too.

If in a house hold of 6 members where you have your in laws living with you, the chance of negative vibes are more. If your oldies are orthodox and conservative like mine and on top of it they have bossy nature. So, when they get to face an opposition or something goes against their thinking then, you are surely in for a blast.

This blast may happen specifically between the two oldies because they finally have no one else to fight with as no one listens to them. You can sense the tension even from 10 feet distance or as in my case, we stay on the upper story of the duplex apartment and they stay on the lower one. When I put my fist step on the stairs, I can feel the gloom of hitting me hard. And I get to know that something has happened downstairs between the two. Their negative vibes loom for days and sometimes it grabs me. The side effects are visible in my hubby also in the form of sad or irritated mood. I get depressive feeling due to this and once I am hit by those monstrous feelings, its very hard to get rid of them easily. Thought I try to keep my cool but it literally takes a lot to stay positive. Sometimes the poor children have to face burnt of it all. I fear my poor sun, who is a pre-teen suffers a lot because of my oldies` negative and narrow mindedness. Poor child has so much of frustration for many issues. I try my best to balance and tell him to practice meditation and learn to practice patience. He is sometimes not able to control his anger. I am worried about him.

Sometimes the negative vibes take a toll on our relation too…days pass with the communication stranded. May be there are situations with you also when you too dont want to talk with any one. May be you feel that if you talk your barrier on anger may give away or you might want to tell straight forward to them about their immature behavior. I don't know how many of you relate or agree with my point; but one thing is for sure, that negativity invites sadness which invites doom. May be its bit exaggerated but its true.

Though I suffer the heartache of being at the receiving end I try to come out of it as soon as I can.

FOWC with Fandango : SCREAM

You seem to be so quiet yet you are not silent you don’t speak in words but your silence speaks in volume you were suppressed all your life Hey girl! I can no more bear your screams

Thoughts on Sushant Singh’s suicide.

Sometimes the thought occurs ‘ what Sushant Singh Rajput did, requires a lot of courage. If..only if, I had that much guts.’ May be some will say, I am wrong in saying so but I know what it means to end your thriving life. How hard it is to bring yourself to the point where you leave everything behind and opt out of the present painful situation. May be some might not agree with me but for me it’s not a cowardly act to quit but a very tough and hard decision and an act of bravery. It includes to summon all your will power to give up your dreams, desires and hopes which not all can do. To leave behind everything you love and for which you were fighting till now to leave that behind, how can it be cowardly. I only wish if I had that gut power,that much courage. This pain of heart break, the loneliness and the darkness I hide in me and live with, drain tos out all that it takes to live so quitting is the best option. I want to question people who say quitting is cowardly act and living requires lot of strength and courage. How can it be so? Just try to quit once and see what requires courage. You will not be able to kill yourself that easily. Your mind will not let you do so to your body as our bodies are meant to survive, to safeguard themselves. Thus fighting and surviving is but natural thing. Quitting from life itself is  something you win over. So how can suicide be a cowardly act? It’s always been and always will be the act of bravery. Don’t say it’s running away from situation because you don’t know what hardships and pain or stress and pressure and heartbreak or fear a person might be going through. How surviving with it losing one is  correct when knowing the option in your hand and not taking it. Isn’t it wrong? For me it is. I already said leaving behind everything, everybody and all desires or dreams that matter you the most is not easy. It requires a lot of inner strength and a strong will power so you don’t weaken and change your mind to be in the same wrath. I have made my point clear or rather say kept forward my opinion, it’s upto you to react your way; but remember one thing, there is no wrong or right. This is the difference of perspective, what you opine and act is right in your view and what I opine and act is correct in my view. So, when both are correct how can be anyone wrong? As you or me, have no right to judge anyone. 

Red saree

Red saree had black color Roses on its border. It was the last choice of her father as a marriage gift to his daughter before he succumbed to a sudden cardiac failure long before her marriage.

Still that saree is kept in her closet all wrapped up as it was arrived from the shop. The beautiful memory…

Thoughts

Rose is my favourite flower apart from the Tulips, Daisies and Dahlias. In fact rose is my all time favorite, not the English rose but the Indian red rose with sweetest of all smells. The smell has a mystic power to enchant you. It’s all around you once you come in contact whether in a party, a marriage or any gathering. The best thing about it is that, a rose is preferred to be used in happiness or in gloom. It looks as enchanted in a marriage, a birthday or as a gift and as elegant for last goodbye to the beloved. Without roses every occasion seems incomplete.

I have my obsessions with these flowers. I planted one of each variety at home on my terrace garden. But my bad luck that one by one except all dried off except rose. It bears such a mesmerising bunch every time that I feel disheartened when they shed off or my mother in law plucks them off to offer in her prayers. I tried many times indirectly to stop her but all in vain.

I look after the plant like my own baby. Time to time attending to it, talking or playing music to it. I prefer organic manure and home made decomposit for it, so I make everything by myself without caring for the hours of labour it takes. After finishing my daily chores when I get time to myself I spend that in looking after them. Early morning I first water them then only I think of preparing breakfast for the other family members.

When it’s hot and sunny I cover them up with a removable shade which is removed in the evening and again put up when it starts getting hot. My whole day routine goes round them, I mean I make time for them as I make for writing, depriving myself of luxury of rest.

It just makes me feel crying when I see them adressed to such a cruel behaviour, hope you understand the pain I go through and the anger I feel but cannot display.

A small scene

She sat there looking at him with tearful eyes. He moved closer and encircled his arm around her shoulders.
A sob escaped. She suddenly suppressed her mouth to stop further sobs. With the back of her palm she rubbed her tears off, which came over the rim of her eyes.
He slightly kissed her forehead and tightened his grip. She was inconsolable now. It was like a barrier was broken and tears flowed like a river uncontrollable. Her whole body shakes with each sob escaped.
It was hard for her to believe what she heard just now. She was fixed in her mind that nothing can change the situation she was in as not atleast him. His words were just to fool her because he himself said that nothing could happen to change the situation he was in.
But if this is to be believed than the situation is more bad and if he is to be believed, she was to be blamed for his heart ache. She felt guilty for putting him in the situation of deep pain and loss.
She looked up and gazed in his eyes, then told him that she won’t forgive herself till she is alive for separating him from his heart.
She loosened his embrace and shifted bit far and said that if it was not for their children, she would have moved out of his life. She said sorry repeatedly and closed her eyes and tears rolled down her cheeks.
He sighed deeply and embrace her once again and managed to say that he could understand her pain and felt it deep in his heart. Her last sobs were smothered in his loving kiss. Or so it appears.

Coffee

Give me coffee, any number of times as topic, I will write fullest to my heart’s content. Give me any type of coffee, be it a macchiato, latte, simple brew, cappuccino, mocha or super filyet coffee of southern India, which actually I have right now in my hand or anything in the name of coffee I will gratefully accept it and will be humbled.

In fact I will tell you one secret of mine or rather a weakness of mine…give me coffee as a gift and I am tou friend for ever. Even if you buy me a coffee whether hot, cold or iced I still will be your great fan. Anything related to coffee can be a heart opener for me.

The smell of coffee plays a big role as its effect is so soothing and relaxing that any can loose self in the comfort zone it provides. And the biggest plus point for me is that a mug of liquid gold in my hand opens my thought process and a pen and paper comes automatically in my other hand. Right now this screen and keypad are working as pen and paper.

I wanted to jot down first thought which came in my mind with the smell of hot filter coffee but now I cannot stop myself from elaborating it and see how long it has become. I would like to apologize for taking your so much of time. This coffee thing knows I love to write and so it keeps pushing and pulling the thoughts on to the paper which otherwise get lost in the chaos of life.

Thanks for baring with me and reading what I blabbed under the effect of coffee.

Me

I don’t like taking revenge. I forgave then. I ignore now.

That’s how I am.

Crush

College canteen. Rhea and two of her friends sitting on a corner table by the window opening towards the college football ground.

He was right there, standing amidst the group of football players, towering all. What an athlete body! But so sad that he never looked towards Rhea. No one knew about her crush on the star player. Not even she allowed herself to acknowledge her true feelings for him.

A big White House.. green lawn with rose hedges lining it. A white wrought iron coffee table and chair sat in mid of the green lawn. A man sipping on his hot brew looking sharply over his shades, at a man standing in uniform in front of him. There was exchange of heated dialogues between them.

Somedays later star player in his father’s office. ‘I have a task for you. You remember that guy, the other day at our home?’father asked. He nodded. Father continued,’ So this man is not agreeing to work on our terms…you know what to do with him.’ The meeting was over without another word.

Back in college. Rhea was standing in her griends group. Her face was tensed. No one knew the reason. The star player passed from there giving her a slant look so no one can notice. Her friend was able to make her speak about her problem. So it was not the boy but her father, who got a threatening call.

Next evening she and her friends followed her father without him knowing. He entered in a cinema hall which was running a flop show, so there was not much public. Rhea and her two friends entered after him and sat just behind her father. There was another guy sitting just next to her father but she could not see him properly in the dark. He was whispering to her father.

She bent forward in an attempt to hear what they were talking but she slipped off of her seat and before anyone could understand anything a sharp pain shot through her head and she fell unconscious. There were tears in her eyes and disbelief.

The moment lights turned on the other guy was gone. Father and her friends somehow managed to take her to the nearby hospital. Somehow player managed to notice them running to the hospital. He followed them back…his heart throbbed out of his chest. The thump was so loud that he thought anyone near him could hear the beat.

The girl took her last breath holding her hand holding an envelope towards her friend. It was addressed to the player. Heartbroken friend took and stared at it. He didn’t know what to do with it now. The player entered the ward and was dumbstruck looking at the lifeless body of the girl, he many times noticed looking at him. The girl who made him feel life.

Rhea’s friend noticed him and gave the envelope. Player was shocked to see his name on it. With trembling hands he opened and took out the letter. He was crying reading it. And in last screamed hard and loud. He shouted why didn’t she tell him earlier this she felt about him. He could have stopped all this nuisance. Life would have been different with her.

He stopped going to college. His life as player smashed. One day there was news that he surrendered for murdering her. All were shocked.