Twpc…I never knew.

I never knew, I will betray myself by loving you so much.

I never knew, I will be the reason behind your heart ache.

I never knew, unknowingly I will move you away from your happiness.

I never knew, I will be one of those whom I hate.

I never knew, I will be able to fight my demons and defeat…but…

I never knew, these demons were not defeated but lurking behind my smiles and will leap up hold me under their sharp claws.

I N-V-E-R KNEW.

Crush

College canteen. Rhea and two of her friends sitting on a corner table by the window opening towards the college football ground.

He was right there, standing amidst the group of football players, towering all. What an athlete body! But so sad that he never looked towards Rhea. No one knew about her crush on the star player. Not even she allowed herself to acknowledge her true feelings for him.

A big White House.. green lawn with rose hedges lining it. A white wrought iron coffee table and chair sat in mid of the green lawn. A man sipping on his hot brew looking sharply over his shades, at a man standing in uniform in front of him. There was exchange of heated dialogues between them.

Somedays later star player in his father’s office. ‘I have a task for you. You remember that guy, the other day at our home?’father asked. He nodded. Father continued,’ So this man is not agreeing to work on our terms…you know what to do with him.’ The meeting was over without another word.

Back in college. Rhea was standing in her griends group. Her face was tensed. No one knew the reason. The star player passed from there giving her a slant look so no one can notice. Her friend was able to make her speak about her problem. So it was not the boy but her father, who got a threatening call.

Next evening she and her friends followed her father without him knowing. He entered in a cinema hall which was running a flop show, so there was not much public. Rhea and her two friends entered after him and sat just behind her father. There was another guy sitting just next to her father but she could not see him properly in the dark. He was whispering to her father.

She bent forward in an attempt to hear what they were talking but she slipped off of her seat and before anyone could understand anything a sharp pain shot through her head and she fell unconscious. There were tears in her eyes and disbelief.

The moment lights turned on the other guy was gone. Father and her friends somehow managed to take her to the nearby hospital. Somehow player managed to notice them running to the hospital. He followed them back…his heart throbbed out of his chest. The thump was so loud that he thought anyone near him could hear the beat.

The girl took her last breath holding her hand holding an envelope towards her friend. It was addressed to the player. Heartbroken friend took and stared at it. He didn’t know what to do with it now. The player entered the ward and was dumbstruck looking at the lifeless body of the girl, he many times noticed looking at him. The girl who made him feel life.

Rhea’s friend noticed him and gave the envelope. Player was shocked to see his name on it. With trembling hands he opened and took out the letter. He was crying reading it. And in last screamed hard and loud. He shouted why didn’t she tell him earlier this she felt about him. He could have stopped all this nuisance. Life would have been different with her.

He stopped going to college. His life as player smashed. One day there was news that he surrendered for murdering her. All were shocked.

Coffee

Oh I know its not a new topic here on my blog as I already did 2 before this one. Or may be 3. But as the matter of fact , I am obsessed with the word coffee and the liquid itself, I can’t stop writing about it or getting inspired by it. It basically gives me a high feel. I mean when I am with my best pal, my coffee mug…I feel on top of the world. It makes me feel so content and satisfied that there is nothing in the world that can make me so fulfilled. Apart from my family ofcourse, but then living beings have a tendency to turn you down sometimes or the other no matter how close they are, but this darling of mine is just the same everytime i meet her. It wont complain of meeting after a long time or not meeting at all….or such things but will make me feel possitive everytime I am in the company. It always fills me with positive thoughts and make feel light hearted.

Today 8 habe two things to share with you, one, that my hubby got me two varieties of coffee from the coffee plantation estate he went to, for his work and bought me a coffee plunget, I was dreaming to get from quite a some time now. And the overwhelming reaction of mine hasn’t stopped till now, though coupl of days have passed snce I first hold in my hands. The mere thought of it makes me bubble with joy and the smioe starts to curve my lips. The amazing thing is that with these two new addition in coffee stack I have 5 varieties at my disposal to cater my mood. I am so happy with this knowladge that its just making me write about coffee on the verge of making others fright(because I dont think anyone might be writing that much on a go or so many posts on s8ngoe subject with same old feeling, of happiness ofcourse.😆). I made coffee the whole day tomorrow for everyone and even was looking forward to guests who might turn up or should I invite them, was my quetion to my Mom in Law, over a coffee party…to which she was frightened and tried to pulled a hold on my edginess, lovingly petting on my shoulder and making fun of me. She too enjoyed the varieties of coffee I made.

The second thing which I want to share is an inspiration from Youtube video which showed an old British lady may be 80 years or so, doing salsa with a jaw dropping performance. All the judges were so dumbstruck by her performance that they couldn’t utter a word while she was in action. And when at last she told her story that how she had to give up her passion which she nurtured since she was a tod, after marriage and sattle in another country and her beloved husband passed away in just 18 months of them moving there and how she had look after her 4 children and take care of everything that when after years her children grew up she asked them if she can persue her career in dance and they all, as they are adorable children f adorable parents, encouraged their mother who once uad giben up all her dreams to upbring them. Now it was her time and there she stood in front of the judges and the audience of Britain Got Talent stage with the golden buzzer press3d for jer without a second thougt or even and further comments. This lady there has become my inspiration. I love her and adore her for being so courageous and not letting her dreams and hopes go away even after such a long time. I will stick to my dream and my hopes go. I will certainly do that onething I dreamt of, at any age…now onwards I wont think or feel disheartened by the fact that my age may not let me do or won’t suit to me after I am older…necause dreams dont have age limit they live long enough to be fulfilled. Its us who give up hope putting forth many excuses to hide our holessness. So from now on I am going to cling harder to my dream and will keep nudgging myself whenever I start loosing hope.

Hat’s off to you grand maa and my dearest coffee to keep smiling and believing that there is always a sunshine no matter how dark is the night.

Life

Life is treating me like a stranger. I dont know how to get out of this situation. It’s strange that I am unknown to myself. The person who grew up and the person whp turned out on growing up are two different people. Its becoming hard day by day to keep abalance between the two, to keep hold on life itself. Everyday I struggle to keep calm. To keep calm in front of my love, my kidos and others, when the tables turn. But don’t know how to get out of this.

I never ever was such a irritating person. But now I am irritating myself. Life has so much to offer but I am not opening up to accept it. How hard I may try but trys are all I do.

Sometimes I hear or see someone elses problems and their struggles with life, for a while I feel blessed but then again my darkness falls on me. I have become like a frog 2ho liv3s in a well and thinos its the whole world. I hate this situation. I want to come out of it, the wrll is a very scary place, it may suffocate me. The darkness down here is very numbing. I am desperate to feel everything again, the way I used to feel. I want to be real me. The originql me. I understand the pain and wait of pupa before it comes out of the cocoon as an enchanting butterfly but the difference here is I don’t know when my cocoon will break.

It is said the night is darkest before the dawn and the turn where we feel enough is enough is where the things take turn. But why can’t anyone tell the time for this long wait which seems infinite.

You Tube

I was watching you today. So basically going through most of the recomnded channels I somehow reached some Ted Talks type channel. Hope you all know what I am talking about. So while watching first video I felt I should subs. this one as it seemed promising amd very down to earth type channel so as I subs. it, some more optioms opened up of similar nature. Out of that I again subscribed two or three, and believe me the videos which I chose to see were disheartening bit the courage of the people was so influencing that I, first time in the life wanted to go on stage holding that damn, mic, which always haunts me and I, 2ho is scared of public or even group speaking, wanted to share my experiences with the live audience. But my fear again arose, will I ne able to do so? I don’t know but listening to the speakers amd 2itnessing their courage and livliness, I want to once in my life feel so brave and acknowledge the pain.

The first video was of a girl who first lost touch with her childhood sweetheart then after many yeats reunited and secondly when finally he was about accept her love,she got the most shocking news that he met an accident while he was out to see her parents, and expired. Somehow girl moved on and now is mqrried happily. This one inspired me to listen possitive talks more often thats the reason why I subsd.

The second video from Pacific Poetey channel of a boy who met same kind of fate, dscrined his loss with a smile and a strength on his face that, first thing I questioned myself was that why can’t I speak like him? , why can’t I be so daring and fearfree? And after this video I subsd. that channel too.

Third video was again of the girl from Tape A Tale, channel and thos time the main point of her talk attracted me. This one had touched two strong chords of my whole being. My father and mother. And became the reason why I am posting this. Atleast I can write and share my story here if not on stage in front of live public. This girl described the bond between her and her father somewhat like ours and the main point of hers describes my present thoughts about my mom. If only I had hugged my mom as she used to hug me when I was in need. But I had my little baby crying in my arms and no one else arround to look after him while I could hug her. But what I could do was plant a kiss on her forehead and cup her face in my one palm and assure her that everything will be fine dont worry Maa. After that me, my brother and my son in my arms accompanied her to different hospital for better treatment, it was then other family members joined in. In another hospital she was taken to ICU and we all were askd to sit out. After 1 hour my mom sent a message from in there, that I should be sent home with the baby and come afterwards. I was not ready to do so but looking at my hungry baby I felt helpless was not able to decide whether I should go home or syay back. My aunt(mom’s co sister) and brother forced me to go back. And aunt asked her sister to prepae dinner for me and child food for the baby. From there at 12 am I returned home and was waiting all alone with the baby, for my bro. to call from hospital and tell me everything was all right or atleast one of my cousins come back and take me back to hospital. At round 1.30 am cousin did come but to pick some clothes of my Maa, after he went off, I dozzed off watching tv, waiting for news from hospital, y son sleeping soundlessly beside me. It was hardly half past 2am when I felt door opened and my aunt and others enteted my home and …..thats bit difficult to describe…..I think I am not over it yet. (I took break of 1 a d half hour before I gathered strength to complete this post.) I was still not fully awake when my aunt straight forwadly saod Maa is no more. It was not grabbed by my mind and I was sitting blank on my bed trying to make out why all are hete at this odd hour. Then aunt kept her hand on my shoulder and my father’s sister popped out her head from behind her and at this point of time aunt again repeated that Maa is no more. And they continued to talk about what all has to be done. At this point I came to my senses and realised that they were talking about my Maa. I was so lost and confused that at that odd hour I called up my hubby, who was hospitalised for his sinusitis operation, that too 1000s of miles away from me. And got out of my bed and started cleaning the house and rearranging everything to accommodate every relative in our small home. It took atleast 2 to 3 hours and the in the early hours of the morning they got Maa, home. Her body was kept in a room, and as it was not supposed ro left alone, I was asked to sit there, neside her reading the holy book. In her life I never read or believed in god (which I still dont do) but for her I read and lighted a lamp and incense sticks and stayed there for more than an hour, wishing whole time for her to come to life. Even a slight movement in the cloth covering her body I thought 2hat if she is alive and by mistake doctors have declared her dead. It took a lot of control for me to curb the urge to uncover her face and check for her breath and heartbeats. I wanted to hug her at that time atleast but was not allowed. When zhe was being taken on her last journey, all the family members were allowed to pay their regards and when it was my turn I sat crying at her feet asking elders to let me see her face one last time. My husband pulled me up from there and hugged me tight when they were taking Maa. Normally face is not covered of the body, but her face was deformed so had to cover. So that last chance of seeing her also was lost. After that I turned to my son, fed him, bathed and dressed him and gave him to my mom in law and then started to take care of all the work that had to be performed. Till 3 days same thing continued. My in laws and husband were very strong support. My brother was busy in last rite rituals and all but my father’s both sisters and my two aunts, they stood beside me. My youngest uncle took care of everything related to rituals. The day my mom died I didnt cry on hearing the devastating news but when they took her away that time I cried like anything and was uncontrollable but once she was gone and relatibes and friends startd to pour in I disnt get the chance ro cry even. The moment I wiped my tears till date I didnot cry for her. Not because I am brave but because i am affraid. Tears of many years still welling up inside may not be controlled. Everyone said and still say upon meeting I have great courage and strong heart but no one knows how week I am to confront my pain and loss. And the sharp thorn that pierces is that I could not hug her one last time and was not arround her when she took her last breath. If only I was not forced to go home and if only I was not busy with my little son I would hqve huhged her. I curse myself and my guilt for being busy with my child, kills me for being selfish. I will not forgive myself ever.

My papa and me shared close bond, though I was afraid of him a lot. But he was such a sweetheart that he didn’t gave anyone a chance to worry. He passed away on his office chair, talking and smiling with his colleagues. He was hale and hearty when sudden cardiac arrest took him away. At that rime also I shrieked only once, in the hospital outside the emergency room, where he was taken to, by his office people. After that till now I never cried for him either. But in my heart I always wish what if he is still alive somewhere we are not aware of (he got a post in world bank on behalf of our government. And we’ve been told its somewhat secret and should not be made public). I do hope every now and then that one dy he will call me. (For maa also I strongly feel that she might be still in mumbai hospital waiting for us to come and get her discharged).

My both parents passed away in the gap of exact 7 years, in the same month. They even shared same birthday.

But why I wrote this post is to share with you all that this life is very unpredictable, don’t know what’s waiting on next turn, next step. So enjoy the company of your parents, love them as much as you can. Be there for them when they need you. Dont shrug their urges to come and meet them, their craving to spend sometime with you. Make them the part of your busy life and schedule. Express as much love as you can in all the possible ways. Care for them, understand them. Live with them while they are alive and save yourself from leading your whole remaing life in your thoughts with their memories. Do make memories but smiling ones.

200 is a great number…

I am bery blessed to hbe get the appreciations and encouragement from so many beautiful people. I started my journey without any expectations and used to write just for me, to let out my supressed emotions, raw feelings, pain and once or twice anger. But as the time passed many friends, well wishers joined in and hold hansds in hand to make a great and strong chain of support.

Because of you all good souls today I am what I am. You taught me so many things, and made me remeber few forgotten ones. Showed me new ways and gabe me new ideas. I never thought I will ever write a story, that to a fiction one, but see your encouragement made me do that too and you all have shown love and showered blessings to my raw efforts.

I feel more liable now, in case of writing. Should write rationally and not just rants(though ranys are the major part of my writings and am sorry for that but this blog was started for that). But I now try to write something senseful, to do justice to your faith and believe in my caliber as a writer.

Thanks for being there. To stand by me.

My thoughts and laundry.

In my small living room or should I call it an open space just outside the room, in a corner I have kept a place for the laundry when I take it off the wire when it’s dried. 

I keep piling it as long as I can. I mean I just don’t have the heart to fold them neatly and keep them in the respective place. Call me a lazy person or whatever you may like but I can’t do it. Though I tried many times but after doing it once I am back to ground zero. It starts piling up again. I know it looks ugly but then it’s hidden from everyone’s eyes. Only I see it as it’s in my approach. And one day when it can no longer take the burden of clothes the heap starts falling down then I try to tuck them up and it doesn’t help instead creates extra work for me. So without any wish to sort that mess out I have to put them in their respective place which gives me tension and I do it so disgracefully that it looks so unorganised in my cupboard. In my hubby’s and kids cupboard it’s all managed because for them I have to keep it neat and cleanly organised but when it comes to my clothes I am always clumsy and mismanaged. 

Today a thought striked me that same goes with my thoughts too. They keep on building up in my mind and I keep storing them. It’s not that I don’t want to express them but have no heart or guts.  I don’t know why whenever I think to write or say them my mind stops me from doing so. They keep piling in my head, the thoughts of all kind and nature. It feels so stuffy in there that I start suffocating of my own thoughts.  I did try many a times to sort them out but I am always confused, worried, anxious and so much more.

When I try to write them down the mind is in such a rush that it is not properly organised and what I write I myself don’t understand. But at least I am free of burden and for a while I feel free and light. But this feeling is not for long my thoughts start storing up again as I am so clumsy and anxious to sort them out. I feel concious to express and besides it feels better that they should stay in my mind where no one can read, feel or understand or misunderstand them and thus no pain, all locked up sagely no matter how? But then it again starts suffocating again and I have to force myself to express them, in any manner and in any condition whether sorted and organised properly or not. It comes down on the pages of my diary or the screen, and stored. Now a days I even burden you people out with the over flow of the thoughts.

Whatever I do, how much I write and express…I come to ground zero every time with more of the thoughts forming up in mind. Some are beautiful,some are pitiable and some are full of anger. Hope I am able to hide some of the ugliness of my mind and thoughts when I put them on display. Here I go anxious again and blabbering out something or the other. The vicious cycle of thoughts downloading and uploading keeps on going and my mind keeps cherning but not pouring out outcome of this.

I take your leave or else will keep on going on like this may be for eternity or at least as long as it takes my mind to be empty.

Image: whisper

Anxiety

Hey friends, you know what I met the dumbest person today. And that person is no one else but me! Actually from my child hood I am suffering from a problem that I cannot speak in front of many people or canny face camera. Not only this but also I was affraid of answering questions asked in class, was not able to perform on stage in school dramas. Even when our school I’d card photo session took place I used to become very concious. I always avoided functions, outings. In short anything which included involving others. I failed many job interviews due to this.

First I used to think nothing of it. But as I grew bit older and dawned myself in reading, more and more it was then that at some point of time I got the name for my problem. I called it social phobia. Because I even hated or say feared to go out for lunch in my school, collage and institute training times. So till this very moment I was ok with my discovery.

But just now I was going through you tube and stumbled upon a video regarding anxiety disorder. In the comment section there was some one who described his social anxiety and after reading his symptoms…I was like ……dumbfounded for few seconds. I had same symptoms. And now I realise after so many years of suffering that it has after proper name Social Anxiety. Though I suffer from anxiety in general but this social anxiety which was giving trouble to me, now I know.

I am laughing at myself now. What a bundle of mental illnesses I am. …aah. Hopefully now I can at least deal with this part at least.  May be some tension might lessen. Hope for your all suggestion.