A small scene

She sat there looking at him with tearful eyes. He moved closer and encircled his arm around her shoulders.
A sob escaped. She suddenly suppressed her mouth to stop further sobs. With the back of her palm she rubbed her tears off, which came over the rim of her eyes.
He slightly kissed her forehead and tightened his grip. She was inconsolable now. It was like a barrier was broken and tears flowed like a river uncontrollable. Her whole body shakes with each sob escaped.
It was hard for her to believe what she heard just now. She was fixed in her mind that nothing can change the situation she was in as not atleast him. His words were just to fool her because he himself said that nothing could happen to change the situation he was in.
But if this is to be believed than the situation is more bad and if he is to be believed, she was to be blamed for his heart ache. She felt guilty for putting him in the situation of deep pain and loss.
She looked up and gazed in his eyes, then told him that she won’t forgive herself till she is alive for separating him from his heart.
She loosened his embrace and shifted bit far and said that if it was not for their children, she would have moved out of his life. She said sorry repeatedly and closed her eyes and tears rolled down her cheeks.
He sighed deeply and embrace her once again and managed to say that he could understand her pain and felt it deep in his heart. Her last sobs were smothered in his loving kiss. Or so it appears.

Crush

College canteen. Rhea and two of her friends sitting on a corner table by the window opening towards the college football ground.

He was right there, standing amidst the group of football players, towering all. What an athlete body! But so sad that he never looked towards Rhea. No one knew about her crush on the star player. Not even she allowed herself to acknowledge her true feelings for him.

A big White House.. green lawn with rose hedges lining it. A white wrought iron coffee table and chair sat in mid of the green lawn. A man sipping on his hot brew looking sharply over his shades, at a man standing in uniform in front of him. There was exchange of heated dialogues between them.

Somedays later star player in his father’s office. ‘I have a task for you. You remember that guy, the other day at our home?’father asked. He nodded. Father continued,’ So this man is not agreeing to work on our terms…you know what to do with him.’ The meeting was over without another word.

Back in college. Rhea was standing in her griends group. Her face was tensed. No one knew the reason. The star player passed from there giving her a slant look so no one can notice. Her friend was able to make her speak about her problem. So it was not the boy but her father, who got a threatening call.

Next evening she and her friends followed her father without him knowing. He entered in a cinema hall which was running a flop show, so there was not much public. Rhea and her two friends entered after him and sat just behind her father. There was another guy sitting just next to her father but she could not see him properly in the dark. He was whispering to her father.

She bent forward in an attempt to hear what they were talking but she slipped off of her seat and before anyone could understand anything a sharp pain shot through her head and she fell unconscious. There were tears in her eyes and disbelief.

The moment lights turned on the other guy was gone. Father and her friends somehow managed to take her to the nearby hospital. Somehow player managed to notice them running to the hospital. He followed them back…his heart throbbed out of his chest. The thump was so loud that he thought anyone near him could hear the beat.

The girl took her last breath holding her hand holding an envelope towards her friend. It was addressed to the player. Heartbroken friend took and stared at it. He didn’t know what to do with it now. The player entered the ward and was dumbstruck looking at the lifeless body of the girl, he many times noticed looking at him. The girl who made him feel life.

Rhea’s friend noticed him and gave the envelope. Player was shocked to see his name on it. With trembling hands he opened and took out the letter. He was crying reading it. And in last screamed hard and loud. He shouted why didn’t she tell him earlier this she felt about him. He could have stopped all this nuisance. Life would have been different with her.

He stopped going to college. His life as player smashed. One day there was news that he surrendered for murdering her. All were shocked.

Rail of my thoughts-2

The scars and wounds of love betrayal are so deep that they never heal. They stay there to remind us of our pain amd loss. Loss of love, faith, life and intrest in everything we ever loved.

The pain never goes, it keeps on simmering below the put up smile and made up face. The fake intrest in life makes it more harder to love life. All the lost dreams and bursted desires, ambitions stand aside and keep teasing us making funny faces at our attempts to fake them.

This genrates the broken trust and dysfunctional nelief system. Which ulti ately leabes a person so lonely and irritated that they start building a wall more higher and from this captivity they themselves can never come out. Lonely souls wandering in the sea of people. You don’t have anyone to share your feelings with,no one to wipe tour tears when you cry, but you become so numb that you dont even cry.

People like me have foumd one source of ranting out the whole thing which is on their mind, through writing and expressing whatever bothers them. Maintaining a diary or a journal is like a copy of converstion with people. You tell everything to it, I mean write every feeling’s each word assuming that You are talking to a person and sharing tour thougjts and ideas. Sometimes tearing off or burning of the pages gives even more satisfaction. This trick may not work 100% for everyone but it does slow downs the pace of racing thoughts. Giving you some control ober your life and time to take right decisions to make your life better if not perfect.

Anxiety

Hey friends, you know what I met the dumbest person today. And that person is no one else but me! Actually from my child hood I am suffering from a problem that I cannot speak in front of many people or canny face camera. Not only this but also I was affraid of answering questions asked in class, was not able to perform on stage in school dramas. Even when our school I’d card photo session took place I used to become very concious. I always avoided functions, outings. In short anything which included involving others. I failed many job interviews due to this.

First I used to think nothing of it. But as I grew bit older and dawned myself in reading, more and more it was then that at some point of time I got the name for my problem. I called it social phobia. Because I even hated or say feared to go out for lunch in my school, collage and institute training times. So till this very moment I was ok with my discovery.

But just now I was going through you tube and stumbled upon a video regarding anxiety disorder. In the comment section there was some one who described his social anxiety and after reading his symptoms…I was like ……dumbfounded for few seconds. I had same symptoms. And now I realise after so many years of suffering that it has after proper name Social Anxiety. Though I suffer from anxiety in general but this social anxiety which was giving trouble to me, now I know.

I am laughing at myself now. What a bundle of mental illnesses I am. …aah. Hopefully now I can at least deal with this part at least. ┬áMay be some tension might lessen. Hope for your all suggestion.