What betrayal did to me..!

So strong is the feeling of Betrayal that I feel Betrayed by my words. The flow is not constant, the feelings are not sustainable. I am just blabbering some or the other thing now and then, ’cause that too is not constant and how could it be when my words have betrayed me. No words, no feelings … no me. I am just finished. The pain is so deep and so strong that everything has numbed. There are times when I can not feel, express or share anything. This is what the betrayal has done to me.

Days pass and turn to weeks but I am still holding a pencil but the page is white as milk and when screen stares blankly at my face as if I am a hollogram of myself, its then I realise the emptyness within me. When I look into the mirror I see someone who looks like me but is not me. The home which used to be mine holds me like a stranger. I dont know how much more damage has been done, I am just on my trail to hunt for the treasure of pain. Every new day is a new discovery.

If today my flow is looking continued, then pray, it stays longer this time. I want to tell many stories, write many poems and lot more I can do with my words. I can find myself or atlest hold on to life.

Love you all wonderful people out there who give me strength and encouragement.

Image Source: Steemit

Scared!

I was going through my whatsapp contacts when suddenly got shocked!

At first I thought it might be some graphic or may be some downloaded image which is used as DP. But when I was able to see it properly, I was shocked. I meam really scared, sacares as in horror movies! I saw and then saw it again and then again.

No, I am not exaggerating, but when you see someone more or less on daily basis doing their job and even interact with them once or twice and suddenly this horrible DP jumps out in front of you, which has their hand scribbled in bloody bold capitals ” I HATE MY LIFE”, it surely will give you goose bumps. Atleast it did to me. I am not accustomed to such dreadful sightings.

Its ironic that a person who deals in flowers is so depressed that he does this. Its so obvious now a days that people who appear to be smiling and distributing happiness, amongst them are the most depressive and lonely people.

I pray for peace , for all those who are fighting their demons.

Buried alive or walking dead.

I know I should not be lingering on this side of the terror but can’t help it. How hard I try, I find myself standing on the same spot, where I started from. I Tey not to look this side of the line, where I actually am positioned but there are days when my yes are good to the very spot. The other days I try to look on the brighter side, I laugh, I joke, I pretend to enjoy so that I can be happy again but the harsh reality throws me this side and as if strongly warns me that this is the side where I am supposed to stay for the rest of my life, dare to move and you’ll be thrown back here.
I know to everyone I must seem as looser who doesn’t want to stand up again but my problem is that my pain is alive, which breaths, eats, smells and has a heart beat…and yes has a powerful presence in my life through my hubby. Sometimes I just don’t want to breathe myself, because when it’s memories knock my mind, my heart goes down to hell, in darkness where I cannot breathe…lefts me gasping. It’s so disheartening and feels like I am tied in sack and a tight rope is tied upon and am left in so dark deep see of vacuum.
Today is that day…so please forgive me when I am blabbering some nonsense… believe me I am trying to hold on…I have two small kids…For their sake…For my love…its not fair in this world that if one loves to the fullest the other should not necessarily return the favour…They may dither. But still I forgive because I love so deeply..that it’s ruining me and no one knows….I know how to smile….and when…but not today … not now…forgive me.

Sorry.

Life is nothing but a bubble of air. For me it is more of a storm, a strong wind and a striking thunder. Never thought I will be saying so after these many years of living life in carefree style. 

It has given me more than it took or should I say the visa verse of the whole situation? Strange, right? I am confused about my own life and the situation. May be many laugh about this condition of mine but I can’t help it as it’s truth. I am not able to change the reality. If I could, I would have done ages ago. Or at least when I desperately wanted to do so. 

Pain is one thing that is keeping me alive or should I say giving me the feel of being alive or else I was dead years ago. It’s pain that tells me that I can still feel, tears crawl down cheeks at mere mention of word pain. Sometimes it’s like I want to cut out my heart away to just not to feel the pain. But then I have seen the day’s when I was numb, had no emotions, nothing at all, to call myself alive. But it was for pain that didn’t leave my side and holded on to me and brought me back to feelings. 

I know it’s very hard to imagine all this but I’ve been there and done that. So I can say yes it’s hard but not impossible. Though I may live with pain forever now but at least I can feel, at least trust with all my doubts held in there. It’s better to trust some how rather than being empty and dead inside. 

Still sometimes I feel empty and dead but who cares? Literally no one. Not even the one who swears by my breath. Then comes a time when I myself start disbelieving myself and take least care of my emotional condition. And believe me that is the most pitied condition I ever face in life. And that is the time when I just don’t care for my life or even the ones whom I hold near aand dear to my heart. It’s the maximum height of self detachment when I try or think to take my own life. Or sometimes I keep thinking how good it would be if something claims my life. I know it’s the biggest cowardly thing I do but then it’s all is not in my hand. It’s all there in my mind, in the chemical imbalance of the mind. I am trying to tame it or say control it, through whatever way it’s possible. 

But would like to mention one last but not the least thing that I am going through the living hell. The reason for all my downfall is to stay with me whole life, and there is no hope of it getting lost. I breathe it, it’s in my veins and above all I live it. Daily 24/7 365 days I have to live with it. Still I am trying to fight my way back to at least live with a simple smile if not carefree days back in my life.

Remembering my grief.

I was writing a different post today something which brings faith back in love but something happened that I am shaken deeply and writing this one instead leaving the earlier one half finished in drafts. Will complete soon but don’t know when. I have some more topics roaming in mind, piping up to turn out on paper.

So the reason behind this sudden post is, death of am person whom I used to see daily. Very humble human being,  helping nature, a caring husband, a good father. He was none other than a friend 84 my father in law living in the same apartment as us. I know some of you might think why am I so touchy by his demise? Actually one reason I already told the other being more surprising to me. Actually till now I thought that I am completely dead inside and up till now I did experience that empty feeling very strongly. 

But the moment the dead body came and the daughter started to cry and lost the control over her grief and was hysterical I felt blurryness in my eyes and by the moment I could realise I was shaking and warm tears were rolling down my cheeks. I didn’t feel shaken at least not more then a sad image of my mom crying at my father’s death. But this daughter who was all over her father’s body crying and yelling asking him to wake up, questioning him how could he leave her like that, though her husband was holding her and support g her. But the love of a daughter was not to be controlled. 

When my father died I was not able to see him but all relatives who were there were not telling me anything about him. Later when in the emergency unit I came to know of his death I only remember one sharp shriek in my ears and fainting and that was it. We returned home. Next when his body came home I was the last one allowed to be near it. I did cry holding his feet laying my head once only on his chest as ask him to comeback but then I was asked to go in, though everyone else was around.

After that I couldn’t even sob for my grief. Because if I did so my mom would be more distressed and my younger brother would be broken my old grandma she was already a statue of grief, who lost her son before her eyes. So I had to keep calm on my face and cry inside. I had to look after them and to take care of every ceremony all small things that were to take place. So I didn’t get chance to cry over my loss, my loss of father’s love. A king in daughter’s world, the most richest man, the loving figure, her first love or all that can be defined came to an end. The first hard reality that struck me was that safety, security everything I felt in his presence was gone all of a sudden. I was left alone in the crowd to experience the tight slaps if time and this cruel world. But all these my fears and concerns I could not share with anyone. I did not get the chance or rather was not given one. All the emotional support mom and brother needed to fight this was to be driven through me as I was the eldest of the two and my brother had no practical knowledge of how the things work when you’re on your own. He is a good learner and if he was not, time made him one. He learnt how to take care of everything. Like the only breaderner of the family, who had to get his elder sister married in the way same as their father would have done and then take care of an ailing mother, like no other son could have done in his place.

But by the time they got strong enough, it was too late to show my grief and again mom would feel miserable seeing me like that and brother who was doing more than others in his age, would feel his fault that he is not able to take care properly. So that was it, I locked up all my pain and loss inside a deep corner of my heart and now and then, when no body knows or I am not able to control I shed a few tears for my papa. But today I am relieved to know that I am still alive somewhere to dome extent, my depression has not killed me all…so may be there is hope for everything to get better in life, though I hope not.

Need of the hour… to find myself.

I need to find me. On my way to myself. I haven’t find me yet. My demons may be quiet for a while now but they do exist and wait for the reason to wake, and take a deep breath which they hold on for so long and then they slowly crawl back to my ears, wrap my mind around and falls the darkness. I just know one thing for sure even in this darkest hour of mine that I am afraid of happyness because whenever I am happy something worst happens. But still I am strong enough to fight against all the bad that has happened to me. I am working on myself for myself by myself. Though the depression stays their in the head like a wound that never heals and I have to be careful not to touch upon the points that trigger it and everything goes fuushh..! Though it keeps nagging in there all the time. I am bit tired of explaining to others about it because they make their on point of views according to their perceptions.

I am tired of even myself for trying to hold on when I should have given up, of being strong, of hiding my tears and keep smiling even when it was killing me inside. It is ruining me to answer all, about me being ok or fine when I just want to cry my heart out, shout out about my broken heart and damaged trust. I want to tell, I want to share so may be I might find a way out of this dark place I am prisoner of ,from so many years and lately chains tied to my feet and thrown into the dangerous water to drown with the weight of my own guilt and suffering. The malicious mind is playing bad tricks but heart, it wants to heal, wants to rejoice and experience happiness once again.

I have started questioning myself, searching my inner depths, connecting to my higher self, trying to open my mind’s eye above the physical plane. Asking the universe to heal me, to give me peace, establish connection. On the other hand I am taking my writing skills to another level, I am writing and writing and losing myself in it. Something’s to opening up somewhere deep down. Some sad feelings are again turning and twisting but I am writing them down, basically I am trying to acknowledge my pain so that I can forgive them completely simultaneously I am nervous and afraid of the dark feeling again, that pain and agony, I don’t want to go through it again. I have learned very hard how to suppress and bury my pain and pricking thorns into the corner of my heart where I can ignore them without knowing their presence, but I am also enjoying my writing, it also has gone to upper level in this process of healing. I am in dilemma, what’s happening, what to do, where am I heading, definitely I am not going to stop but afterwards what? What will be my situation. But for now I know of sure that while I am writing for that brief period I am disconnected with everything else, I feel nothing except my content of writing. The numbness, hollowness and the emptyness for a while takes a back seat. For that moment I become alive completely engrossed in it. After putting the pen down kind of withdrawal symptom is experienced. For a while I feel dejected. Every time I want to return back to my writing or more to reading if not writing.

The emotional turmoil I am going through is very dangerous either I will be ruined completely or I will learn to cope and live with my depression. I don’t know where I am going but I am on my way to find myself and that’s for sure.