Short story completed.

I can’t believe that I completed 4, 872 words in 10 days. With full day work of a house maker and a family of 8 members. Attending to their needs now and then, dealing with the trying in-laws.

Above all the trying conditions of COVID -19 taking toll on me and peace of my mind. But still I managed to complete one short story. A murder mystery. Its about a daughter in law and mother in law. Where daughter in law warns her mother in law to stop her affair with the math teacher of her daughter. On the day of her first wedding anniversary she is found dead.

From here the quest of her mysterious death starts. Everyone is under suspicion. The math teacher and Mother in law are prime suspects. Her husband, his business partner, a long lost childhood friend who was business rival, were also suspected. Each of them had a motive to kill her but its a challenge to find out who did it and how? In the end the case has to be closed as suicide.

Hope to complete another short story soon. Outlined it already now have to start working upon it. This is about a young girl interviewing a killer as her own assassin. The girl is depressed about loosing a friend who died saving her, from a car accident. Feeling her pain for a person who actually never was, one of the best assassin falls for her. And offers to kill her in a bid to save her from doing something stupid. This has to be developed a little more.

I am trying to accomplish a collection of short stories which I can publish. Hope I am able to do it with all your best wishes and support.

Coffee

Give me coffee, any number of times as topic, I will write fullest to my heart’s content. Give me any type of coffee, be it a macchiato, latte, simple brew, cappuccino, mocha or super filyet coffee of southern India, which actually I have right now in my hand or anything in the name of coffee I will gratefully accept it and will be humbled.

In fact I will tell you one secret of mine or rather a weakness of mine…give me coffee as a gift and I am tou friend for ever. Even if you buy me a coffee whether hot, cold or iced I still will be your great fan. Anything related to coffee can be a heart opener for me.

The smell of coffee plays a big role as its effect is so soothing and relaxing that any can loose self in the comfort zone it provides. And the biggest plus point for me is that a mug of liquid gold in my hand opens my thought process and a pen and paper comes automatically in my other hand. Right now this screen and keypad are working as pen and paper.

I wanted to jot down first thought which came in my mind with the smell of hot filter coffee but now I cannot stop myself from elaborating it and see how long it has become. I would like to apologize for taking your so much of time. This coffee thing knows I love to write and so it keeps pushing and pulling the thoughts on to the paper which otherwise get lost in the chaos of life.

Thanks for baring with me and reading what I blabbed under the effect of coffee.

Why I am not writing ?

The time has passed very past since I started blogging and now I am in a phase where my pain has given a way to numbness, sort of. And I still am trying to figure out what I want?

Basically the idea behind to start the blog was to put out my thoughts in words because they were emergings in such a speed in my mind that I was not able to cope up, plus they were thoughts of hopelessness, so I thought it better to put them out of my mind or else they might have turnedme crazy or lunatic, killed me at most.

But, now the urgency of taking them out has slowed down a bit and plus my hubby bcomes angry seeing them as he feels whatever he is doing for me to take my mind away from the insulting betraying pain he has given me, is useless and wants to stop loving and caring for me finally. So, I have stopped thinking, at all and turned absentminded. I am, sometimes blank, or dumb or even weired.

There are many distractions I am fancying now a days to stop thinking and writing. Till now I didnt know why I am staying away from the blog or why not writing poems or songs even, but while writing this very blogpost I realized what’s the reason behind my not able to write, write anything at all. Because, my words spoke about the pain I feel, the hurt I am going through. Now I know the whole life I am living is just a pretence of happiness and peace. But for the love of children this pretence is nccessary, so I think its better to stay away from what all is going on in my heart, let the mind be unaware of real me for the sake of happiness and smile of my children.

But, tell you what? Its really scary when by chance or mistakenly I take a sneakpeak inside me, like today. The real me is still very furious and hurt, looking ways for forgive herself, to come to terms with the harsh reality of life. Pray for me please, that I stay sane and Live life not spend it. I want to enjoy the chance I’ve got, do not want to waste it as it may be the last and only.

Silence is not empty, it’s full of … Answers!

In my case the silence is full of destructive, negative and sad thoughts. So I don’t sit silent instead I chat with my mind about my book, blog or channel.

I look for answers not in silence but in the chaos of my mind. It (chaotic mind) has lot to offer, from wide range of emotions. I never found anything from silence apart from provoking thoughts of negativity. So, I never keep that ghostly silence creep into my space. I keep chattering or giving exercise to my mind when I find moments of peace. It has helped a lot to pull up my life togather once again after my encounter with the ugly truth of me not being only one for my love.

Believe me your mind can play fatal tricks upon you once it has gone through some dentful events, so keeping your self bisy even in the moments of silence is good rather than let it drool over the random topics, which for sure are dark unlike healthy minds which find answers in silence.

My story

I am going to narrate you all today a story which has left me stunned and speechless. It has shaken my belief system. I am at loss of what to believe and what not to.
But not taking you much time I will start my story. I reach my office everyday travelling through metro train and then walking the last 10 minutes through a busy street and then reach my office.
I know there is nothing new or different in what I said above, but what if I told you there was something weird started happening with me from last 2 months? Something of which I came to know only 10 days back. In other words I discovered it late.
This street which I walk through is full of small but decorative shops. With shining glasses and an attendant smiling at the doorstep. Some days later I noticed that only one shop had an attendant in front of it. The shop owners normally attracted the customers for rest of the shops. Occasionally they had help hired in any festive season. This fact made me notice the particular shop, often because it was not any festive season nor any particular time of the month, which called for celebration.
Many days passed in this way. Me getting curious about the shop and it’s attendant and him following me through his eyes, till I reach the office building.
Once I was crossing the market while returning from office. It was 5.30 p.m. In the evening when I crossed the shop and this time I don’t know how but I was on the shop’s side of the road. So just with the kids curiosity, in front of a toy shop, I let my eyes take a flying notice of what was in there. Though I couldnot see anything properly but registered the subtle head gesture of the attendant. He slightly bowed his head towards one side and gave a fleeting smile as if gesturing to come and have a look inside and will find what what I am looking for. I don’t know why but I felt uneasy.
I started walking fast to get away from there. And then literally started running. That night I was so scared that couldnot sleep. I asked Mammaa to give me company. We both sat in the living room. I layed my head in her lap and she was moving her fingers in my hair. She tried to talk me to sleep. But as I closed my eyes I saw the glimpse of his face. There was nothing to be scared of, in his face but some feeling which was associated with him, was weird because I couldnot sort out what? Why I was feeling this way. I told Mammaa about the whole incident. She smiled and said “I don’t find anything weird or unusual in it. Why are you freaking out for nothing?” Late that night when somehow my eyes felt heavy with sleep, I hugged her and slept on the couch.
Next day when I boarded the train to office, I saw a lady who has a shop in the same street. So enquired her about the shop. It seemed that she couldn’t recognise the shop I was talking about. So the little chat was ended on a friendly note. While walking in the street I had no courage to lift my eyes up and see the shop. Digging my eyesight into the road, down, I kept on walking in a fast pace and once reaching the office building, released a sigh! While returning I kept on my side of the road and was careful not to cross the road.
Now it was a routine that I slept with Mammaa ’cause I was affraid of being alone. In the morning Mammaa asked if she can come with me as she had to go to aunt’s place that day and while returning she can join me and it will be good that she can also look the shop and the attendant. May be she can deal with the matter and I will be okay, I agreed. At 6.00 p.m. that evening she mat me at the gate of office building. We started walking, towards the metro station,in the street. She was telling me about her day at aunt’s place. I half heartedly was listening and suddenly I pointed my finger unnoticeable from under my hand bag,towards the shop. While Mammaa could take a look at it, we crossed the shop. So she asked me to stop there and went back to enquire. But there was nothing to look for. She came back puzzled, thinking may be she went to the wrong shop. Well back home, that night, we both were discussing the evening’s incident. But I think there was some misunderstanding between us. I was talking about one shop and she was explaining about another. Well this is how the dinner was over and we prepared for the next day.
Next day was my bestie’s birthday and she was interested in antiques. So I thought of buying something for her on the way home. Next thing in the morning I called other friends of the group and planned a surprise party. Everyone was to reach at the venue by 5.00 p.m. So to be on time the next day, I applied for early off in advance. And finished my work including some extra for compensating the next day’s work. In evening when I was in the street I was looking at the shops, where I can find the gift for my friend. Suddenly I noticed that attendant of that shop was not there. So I tip toed to it for taking the advantage of the chance. Peeping through the dark glasses of the shop, I could only make our there were some big and glittering objects were placed on racks and on the floor.
My curiosity leaded me to something which sort of destroyed me. I opened the door and entered. And to my surprise it was a antique shop. I started looking for some appropriate gift for my friend. When suddenly my hand thrashed a photo frame. Before it could touch the floor I caught it and placed it in place. It was made of ornate. But it looked as if someone has took out the picture from it recently as the marks were fresh. Well placing it on place I moved forward in search of another gift and was wondering where the shopkeeper was and where through attendant gone. While engrossed in my thoughts, I reached a wooden cupboard with beautiful carving. I stood still in front of it and thinking where did I see it before and when? But couldnot make out. I could feel a strong connection to it but what sort of or how that was a mystery. Then suddenly a candle stand 7 silver was handed over to me! Thinking the shopkeeper must have come I took it and was taking a close look when something caught my attention, and I lifted up my gaze from the candles and and rested it on a familiar face. I was dumbstruck. I was so horrified that ran away from the shop. Later I noticed the candle stand was in my hand. I turned to see if he was coming for me but there was nothing. I had no guts to return to that shop so brought it home and told Mammaa everything. She said that next day the first thing in the morning I should go and return it. But seeing me so reluctant, she scolded me and warned me to return it or pay the price.
Next day I asked Mammaa a favour of returning it back to the shop and left for office. In the evening at 5.00 my friend called me from the gate of office building. We both went on her scooty to the venue. Enjoyed the party and returned home at 9.00 p.m. My friend, whose birthday it was came to drop me. And as it was late I asked her to stay back and I wanted to discuss with her the incidents. Meanwhile I asked Mammaa about the candle stand. She handed me back the silver piece. Saying that she couldnot find the shop, though she asked each of the shops. I was frustrated at this answer so threw it on the bed and broke down in front of my friend. Then told her the whole story. Next day was Saturday and our offices were off, so she said she will accompany me to the street shop and we both will return it and talk to the person and close the matter.
Next day I was so nervous and cold that my hands and legs were shaking. Well somehow my friend talked me to come along to the shop. We walked through the street in tensed mood and then I stopped in front of a shop. My friend asked me what was the reason? I didn’t say anything just stared at her face and then back at the shop. She followed my gaze but couldn’t see anything. When she told me the same I exclaimed and understood, why the lady from the street in the train was not getting me and why Mammaa was confused two times! Then I was horrified why I was only seeing the shop and the mysterious attendant cum shopkeeper?
As my friend was with me, I gathered courage, hold her hand and started to walk towards the shop. I told her to be with me no matter how much weird it looks she should stay by my side. In there it was all clean and some earthy scent was filled. It was evoking some feelings but I couldnot name them, what? I kept on moving slowly, dragging my friend along. The photo frame from other day was hung beside the wooden cupboard and this time it had a photo in it. One was semi visible the other was only a haze. From it I could make out that the man in the photo was the shop owner but the other person was not clear so I don’t know who it was? The cupboard had a mark on its left door, some sort of initials. I touched it and traced the length and breadth of it. I don’t know why but had sudden urge to open it and examine whatever is in there. It was a feeling like someone finds their long list belongings after a long time and have that impulse to go through it to satisfy themselves that everything is ok and in place. I pulled the door and was utterly disappointed to find it empty. As if I was expecting it to be stuffed with dresses and ornaments.
I was little distressed and it showed on my face. In the photo frame I saw the owner’s reflection smiling with some sort of tenderness and it was the first time I noticed that he was good looking, handsome man of my age. He had deep, brown and big smiling eyes. There was something in his eyes and smile this time that didn’t scare but puzzled me. I retreated from there and my friend was continuously asking me “what happened?” I had no answer. We came home and I exhaustedly I fell down on a sofa and closed my eyes. My friend sat beside me. Confused and tensed, herself. But none of us told Mammaa about it. She offered to stay back.
Tomorrow we will go there again. She will meet me after her office and then again the quest will start.

I wanted.

I wanted to be your rain
As you are my sunshine
So we could make rainbows

I wanted to be the rock for you to lean on
In your times of smiles and tears
But little did I know, it’s use to crush my vows

I wanted to be your last if not only
The beyond perfection feeling I crave
Let me be the missing puzzle piece of you

Now I wish to be the breath
That inhabits you for a flick
The unnoticed but the neccesity

You are my forever
No end no begining
Always the centre of my eternity

I lost the one person

I thought I would never loose

And now I am all alone, though

I may not look alone physically

But mentally there is no one in sight

So apt are the words for my present situation. I am too lost that I don’t see any way out. I just hold on to my pen as my rescue. My thoughts wander a lot, but just in my head. My fingers tapping on the keys give the vent to my feelings and thats all I have as my compny.

You Tube

I was watching you today. So basically going through most of the recomnded channels I somehow reached some Ted Talks type channel. Hope you all know what I am talking about. So while watching first video I felt I should subs. this one as it seemed promising amd very down to earth type channel so as I subs. it, some more optioms opened up of similar nature. Out of that I again subscribed two or three, and believe me the videos which I chose to see were disheartening bit the courage of the people was so influencing that I, first time in the life wanted to go on stage holding that damn, mic, which always haunts me and I, 2ho is scared of public or even group speaking, wanted to share my experiences with the live audience. But my fear again arose, will I ne able to do so? I don’t know but listening to the speakers amd 2itnessing their courage and livliness, I want to once in my life feel so brave and acknowledge the pain.

The first video was of a girl who first lost touch with her childhood sweetheart then after many yeats reunited and secondly when finally he was about accept her love,she got the most shocking news that he met an accident while he was out to see her parents, and expired. Somehow girl moved on and now is mqrried happily. This one inspired me to listen possitive talks more often thats the reason why I subsd.

The second video from Pacific Poetey channel of a boy who met same kind of fate, dscrined his loss with a smile and a strength on his face that, first thing I questioned myself was that why can’t I speak like him? , why can’t I be so daring and fearfree? And after this video I subsd. that channel too.

Third video was again of the girl from Tape A Tale, channel and thos time the main point of her talk attracted me. This one had touched two strong chords of my whole being. My father and mother. And became the reason why I am posting this. Atleast I can write and share my story here if not on stage in front of live public. This girl described the bond between her and her father somewhat like ours and the main point of hers describes my present thoughts about my mom. If only I had hugged my mom as she used to hug me when I was in need. But I had my little baby crying in my arms and no one else arround to look after him while I could hug her. But what I could do was plant a kiss on her forehead and cup her face in my one palm and assure her that everything will be fine dont worry Maa. After that me, my brother and my son in my arms accompanied her to different hospital for better treatment, it was then other family members joined in. In another hospital she was taken to ICU and we all were askd to sit out. After 1 hour my mom sent a message from in there, that I should be sent home with the baby and come afterwards. I was not ready to do so but looking at my hungry baby I felt helpless was not able to decide whether I should go home or syay back. My aunt(mom’s co sister) and brother forced me to go back. And aunt asked her sister to prepae dinner for me and child food for the baby. From there at 12 am I returned home and was waiting all alone with the baby, for my bro. to call from hospital and tell me everything was all right or atleast one of my cousins come back and take me back to hospital. At round 1.30 am cousin did come but to pick some clothes of my Maa, after he went off, I dozzed off watching tv, waiting for news from hospital, y son sleeping soundlessly beside me. It was hardly half past 2am when I felt door opened and my aunt and others enteted my home and …..thats bit difficult to describe…..I think I am not over it yet. (I took break of 1 a d half hour before I gathered strength to complete this post.) I was still not fully awake when my aunt straight forwadly saod Maa is no more. It was not grabbed by my mind and I was sitting blank on my bed trying to make out why all are hete at this odd hour. Then aunt kept her hand on my shoulder and my father’s sister popped out her head from behind her and at this point of time aunt again repeated that Maa is no more. And they continued to talk about what all has to be done. At this point I came to my senses and realised that they were talking about my Maa. I was so lost and confused that at that odd hour I called up my hubby, who was hospitalised for his sinusitis operation, that too 1000s of miles away from me. And got out of my bed and started cleaning the house and rearranging everything to accommodate every relative in our small home. It took atleast 2 to 3 hours and the in the early hours of the morning they got Maa, home. Her body was kept in a room, and as it was not supposed ro left alone, I was asked to sit there, neside her reading the holy book. In her life I never read or believed in god (which I still dont do) but for her I read and lighted a lamp and incense sticks and stayed there for more than an hour, wishing whole time for her to come to life. Even a slight movement in the cloth covering her body I thought 2hat if she is alive and by mistake doctors have declared her dead. It took a lot of control for me to curb the urge to uncover her face and check for her breath and heartbeats. I wanted to hug her at that time atleast but was not allowed. When zhe was being taken on her last journey, all the family members were allowed to pay their regards and when it was my turn I sat crying at her feet asking elders to let me see her face one last time. My husband pulled me up from there and hugged me tight when they were taking Maa. Normally face is not covered of the body, but her face was deformed so had to cover. So that last chance of seeing her also was lost. After that I turned to my son, fed him, bathed and dressed him and gave him to my mom in law and then started to take care of all the work that had to be performed. Till 3 days same thing continued. My in laws and husband were very strong support. My brother was busy in last rite rituals and all but my father’s both sisters and my two aunts, they stood beside me. My youngest uncle took care of everything related to rituals. The day my mom died I didnt cry on hearing the devastating news but when they took her away that time I cried like anything and was uncontrollable but once she was gone and relatibes and friends startd to pour in I disnt get the chance ro cry even. The moment I wiped my tears till date I didnot cry for her. Not because I am brave but because i am affraid. Tears of many years still welling up inside may not be controlled. Everyone said and still say upon meeting I have great courage and strong heart but no one knows how week I am to confront my pain and loss. And the sharp thorn that pierces is that I could not hug her one last time and was not arround her when she took her last breath. If only I was not forced to go home and if only I was not busy with my little son I would hqve huhged her. I curse myself and my guilt for being busy with my child, kills me for being selfish. I will not forgive myself ever.

My papa and me shared close bond, though I was afraid of him a lot. But he was such a sweetheart that he didn’t gave anyone a chance to worry. He passed away on his office chair, talking and smiling with his colleagues. He was hale and hearty when sudden cardiac arrest took him away. At that rime also I shrieked only once, in the hospital outside the emergency room, where he was taken to, by his office people. After that till now I never cried for him either. But in my heart I always wish what if he is still alive somewhere we are not aware of (he got a post in world bank on behalf of our government. And we’ve been told its somewhat secret and should not be made public). I do hope every now and then that one dy he will call me. (For maa also I strongly feel that she might be still in mumbai hospital waiting for us to come and get her discharged).

My both parents passed away in the gap of exact 7 years, in the same month. They even shared same birthday.

But why I wrote this post is to share with you all that this life is very unpredictable, don’t know what’s waiting on next turn, next step. So enjoy the company of your parents, love them as much as you can. Be there for them when they need you. Dont shrug their urges to come and meet them, their craving to spend sometime with you. Make them the part of your busy life and schedule. Express as much love as you can in all the possible ways. Care for them, understand them. Live with them while they are alive and save yourself from leading your whole remaing life in your thoughts with their memories. Do make memories but smiling ones.

Rail of my thoughts-2

The scars and wounds of love betrayal are so deep that they never heal. They stay there to remind us of our pain amd loss. Loss of love, faith, life and intrest in everything we ever loved.

The pain never goes, it keeps on simmering below the put up smile and made up face. The fake intrest in life makes it more harder to love life. All the lost dreams and bursted desires, ambitions stand aside and keep teasing us making funny faces at our attempts to fake them.

This genrates the broken trust and dysfunctional nelief system. Which ulti ately leabes a person so lonely and irritated that they start building a wall more higher and from this captivity they themselves can never come out. Lonely souls wandering in the sea of people. You don’t have anyone to share your feelings with,no one to wipe tour tears when you cry, but you become so numb that you dont even cry.

People like me have foumd one source of ranting out the whole thing which is on their mind, through writing and expressing whatever bothers them. Maintaining a diary or a journal is like a copy of converstion with people. You tell everything to it, I mean write every feeling’s each word assuming that You are talking to a person and sharing tour thougjts and ideas. Sometimes tearing off or burning of the pages gives even more satisfaction. This trick may not work 100% for everyone but it does slow downs the pace of racing thoughts. Giving you some control ober your life and time to take right decisions to make your life better if not perfect.

What betrayal did to me..!

So strong is the feeling of Betrayal that I feel Betrayed by my words. The flow is not constant, the feelings are not sustainable. I am just blabbering some or the other thing now and then, ’cause that too is not constant and how could it be when my words have betrayed me. No words, no feelings … no me. I am just finished. The pain is so deep and so strong that everything has numbed. There are times when I can not feel, express or share anything. This is what the betrayal has done to me.

Days pass and turn to weeks but I am still holding a pencil but the page is white as milk and when screen stares blankly at my face as if I am a hollogram of myself, its then I realise the emptyness within me. When I look into the mirror I see someone who looks like me but is not me. The home which used to be mine holds me like a stranger. I dont know how much more damage has been done, I am just on my trail to hunt for the treasure of pain. Every new day is a new discovery.

If today my flow is looking continued, then pray, it stays longer this time. I want to tell many stories, write many poems and lot more I can do with my words. I can find myself or atlest hold on to life.

Love you all wonderful people out there who give me strength and encouragement.

Image Source: Steemit