Aah… this is called Heaven!

Coffee and heaven is synonymous, atleast for me. It is one sure shot medicine for all my problems and illnesses and even mood swings. The moment it came into my hand it changed the whole environment.

Now, for being absent from the picture for a long time. There is lot of turmoil going on in my personal life. There is so much confusion and because of that so much anxiety and irritation. So much anger that got point of vent in form of self hurt.

Few days back I came across a situation where I could finally, makeout that how the people committing suicide get courage to do so and after all what do they think in the decision making moment. And believe me its really frightening. That numbness doesn’t want anything else but just the way to engulf the life.

Actually, I was planning to write some other post few days back. In totally different mood. About my WIP and one small achievement of mine but sudden turn of luck brought me here, to this post.

I will surely share my happy mood post soon but today somehow gathered courage to write it down and share with you all. It makes me feel lighter and better. Above all, I feel surrounded by many warriors and their support.

I am glad, that you all keep tugging even though sometimes I am not around.

Follow up on Previous post.

The time plays a big role on our actions. This I can say by my most recent post. The post involves my thoughts over suicide of Indian actor Sushant Singh Rajpoot.
My view over suicide is same as described in the above mentioned post but believe me it was not intended to be expressed in this way, I mean the post. The time changed and mind played it’s trump card, ‘ The Depression ‘ and each word of it (post/) the feel of it went for a toss. And nowit shows the inner turmoil of my mind.
Depression, really can change everything. It has the real power to squeeze away a single drop of hope and light from your life. People who don’t get it, don’t understand it. It is like a sleeping monesterous snake or a ugliest and dangerous demon residing in your mind.
They say it is cureable but they forget it’s not a chalk on the board that can be dusted off. It is for real and is there to stay for ever, denting your mind. It may sleep for a while but never goes away and keeps lurking in the darkest and deepest places of your mind, controlling your life, moods and every thing that used to be you. It replaces actual you with your replica. You start feeling like a stranger in your body, in your own home and lonely with your loved ones. Everything change, every aspect of life!
It cannot be cured but kept at bay by avoiding the triggers. Like what happened in the case of the previous article. The post was supposed to be about the actor and his sudden death which shook me to the cores of my soul. I don’t know why but it did. But before I could sir down to write something happened at my end that the darkness rose from its hiding and damped the feelings and the outcome is what you read or will read.

Thoughts on Sushant Singh’s suicide.

Sometimes the thought occurs ‘ what Sushant Singh Rajput did, requires a lot of courage. If..only if, I had that much guts.’ May be some will say, I am wrong in saying so but I know what it means to end your thriving life. How hard it is to bring yourself to the point where you leave everything behind and opt out of the present painful situation. May be some might not agree with me but for me it’s not a cowardly act to quit but a very tough and hard decision and an act of bravery. It includes to summon all your will power to give up your dreams, desires and hopes which not all can do. To leave behind everything you love and for which you were fighting till now to leave that behind, how can it be cowardly. I only wish if I had that gut power,that much courage. This pain of heart break, the loneliness and the darkness I hide in me and live with, drain tos out all that it takes to live so quitting is the best option. I want to question people who say quitting is cowardly act and living requires lot of strength and courage. How can it be so? Just try to quit once and see what requires courage. You will not be able to kill yourself that easily. Your mind will not let you do so to your body as our bodies are meant to survive, to safeguard themselves. Thus fighting and surviving is but natural thing. Quitting from life itself is  something you win over. So how can suicide be a cowardly act? It’s always been and always will be the act of bravery. Don’t say it’s running away from situation because you don’t know what hardships and pain or stress and pressure and heartbreak or fear a person might be going through. How surviving with it losing one is  correct when knowing the option in your hand and not taking it. Isn’t it wrong? For me it is. I already said leaving behind everything, everybody and all desires or dreams that matter you the most is not easy. It requires a lot of inner strength and a strong will power so you don’t weaken and change your mind to be in the same wrath. I have made my point clear or rather say kept forward my opinion, it’s upto you to react your way; but remember one thing, there is no wrong or right. This is the difference of perspective, what you opine and act is right in your view and what I opine and act is correct in my view. So, when both are correct how can be anyone wrong? As you or me, have no right to judge anyone. 

I feel like crying

Sometimes life plays such a googly that you can only wish everything else was just your imagination. But you know it’s not and you pray harder for it to be your negative thinking and deep inside you know the truth and you pray harder.

But the thought sets so deep inside that you don’t know when it starts to show up on your face and people start questioning you ‘what’s wrong with you?’ Or ‘what happened to your face, why does it appear so different?’ Then you realise that what you thought has passed away, actually has seeped in deep in your soul.

Some times I feel that I should not share my problem of anxiety with one who never has suffered it even once in life. No matter how patiently you try to explain they will retaliate back whenever they get the opportunity of hurting you. May be in anger they say something which hurts you but it doesn’t lessens the pain.

Somewhere I read that a time comes when the pain becomes so deep that it numbs our feelings and we stop complaining and explaining. I think I am going through that phase. Some more time that I would stop talking about it, completely. May be that’d be better as I won’t bother anyone won’t hurt anyone. Wish for me please I reach that stage soon, where I can’t feel anything to express it, to complain about it.

Love you all who pray for me and those who don’t still love to have you around.

My book is available online now.

Hi everyone.

I actually want to shout loudly, like crazy at this moment as my book is finally online. It is published. Like actually published. From past three years I’ve been working on it and you all are witness of my growth. Today is the day for which I prayed and you all blessed me.

Here I am sharing the links…if any one is generois enough to provide me with the review…or any sort of interaction I would love it.


Fighting With My Inner Demons


Fighting my inner demons

Hi all my WP family memebrs….I am too excited and overhelmed to share a news with you that couldnot stop myself from writing this post first, keeping my work aside.

Just now I recieved a mail from Olumpia publishers that they have gone through my synopsis and sample chapter of the book titled’ Fighting My Inner Devils’ and want my manuscript for further evaluation.

I dont know what is next but for now I am very happy that atleast I have finished one goal out of three. I already shared with you all friends out there that I am writing a book on, how I deal with my depression, anxiety and panic attacks, so this book of mine has started off its joureney and took its first step towards its final destinqtion.

I thank you all with my heart and feel deepest gratitude towards you, that you supported me, encouraged me and corrected me wherever neccessary. Please pray for it to passout with glowing colors. I need them the most. And with all your blessings and well wishes I know it can happen.

Thanks again for all the support and for standing by me.

Why I am not writing ?

The time has passed very past since I started blogging and now I am in a phase where my pain has given a way to numbness, sort of. And I still am trying to figure out what I want?

Basically the idea behind to start the blog was to put out my thoughts in words because they were emergings in such a speed in my mind that I was not able to cope up, plus they were thoughts of hopelessness, so I thought it better to put them out of my mind or else they might have turnedme crazy or lunatic, killed me at most.

But, now the urgency of taking them out has slowed down a bit and plus my hubby bcomes angry seeing them as he feels whatever he is doing for me to take my mind away from the insulting betraying pain he has given me, is useless and wants to stop loving and caring for me finally. So, I have stopped thinking, at all and turned absentminded. I am, sometimes blank, or dumb or even weired.

There are many distractions I am fancying now a days to stop thinking and writing. Till now I didnt know why I am staying away from the blog or why not writing poems or songs even, but while writing this very blogpost I realized what’s the reason behind my not able to write, write anything at all. Because, my words spoke about the pain I feel, the hurt I am going through. Now I know the whole life I am living is just a pretence of happiness and peace. But for the love of children this pretence is nccessary, so I think its better to stay away from what all is going on in my heart, let the mind be unaware of real me for the sake of happiness and smile of my children.

But, tell you what? Its really scary when by chance or mistakenly I take a sneakpeak inside me, like today. The real me is still very furious and hurt, looking ways for forgive herself, to come to terms with the harsh reality of life. Pray for me please, that I stay sane and Live life not spend it. I want to enjoy the chance I’ve got, do not want to waste it as it may be the last and only.

Why I Write.

Somewhere on the net I read ” when you can tell your story and it doesn’t make you cry, you know you have healed” I am waiting for that moment to happen to me, when i can turn back and atleast smile without a tinge of pain, over what I want to tell in the book I am writing, which I actually avoid writing.
I know its not only about me but everyone arround me. Still its a sad and bitter experience for me and I know where I have been due to this and how I have come back, not yet to the mark I was supposed to be but still kicking back at life and trying to heal, from the place where once was and never wanted to come back. I never wanted to see what life could hold for me or what sun’s first ray of light hold for me. But then I gathered all my willingness to love back and see the smiles on my children’s face I tried to fake what I wanted and here I am today, trying to take over my life and have my own way, not giving in, to my demons.
I never looked for any one to help me climb up but I supported my self to climb the ladder towards light. There was or is no one to understand me but me, so i just hold my hand and walk step by step in the darkest of hours just hoping to reach the point from where I can start my journey towards light. There were many critical points in past couple of years when everything was blurred and muddled and I wanted to give up but some how could not do so. Because everytime it happened a voice in me told to hold on little bit tighter and hangon, because I never was a coward but a fighter, a lone one, I always hadbeen my own strength so how come I can give up so easily or without trying a one more time and thus whenever I felt low the innervoice told me same thing over and over again. Even now it continues to knock some sense in my dumb head. If it was not for my gutt feeling I would never have survived so long. Not this heart break atleast. In other words I have been a good cheerleader for myself in hard times and still am and will continue to be.
Earlier I thought being a writer is very cool and to write about your pain, is cooler then anything else but now I knnow for being a cool writer how hard you have to work and how much pain you have to go through. Living the long burried painful moments again and again is very tiring and horrible. Then I came to know being a writer is very responsible thing because you are influencing lives of many through your pains, gains and losses for which you have to relive them. Because you know yourself better and all your experiences come in handy while writing. Thus, I understand that writing is really a healer for not readers alone but for the writers too. A best way to come out of your inhibitions and encounter your fears, pains, losses and other darker side of you. Writing about them not only heals you but inspires others also giving them the hope and a way to try out. It`s like saving your own life.
Sometimes I hide from myself when I don`t want to write or stop writing. It happens often, because I cann`t take the burden of my demons. I just start running, forgetting that its the only way out. The more I will acknowladge it the lesser the impact will be upon me. But sometimes I feel exhausted and left with no energy to carry on. But I know I have to face it some or the other day so why not now, this brings me back to my paper and pen. Because I want everyone to know that failures and defeats are a small part of our life but the life as a whole is very vast and promising if we give it a chance and a second chance in case of some people. periodical drawbacks cann`t be given chance to loom over a big chunk of life demolishing it to nothingness and robbing us of our right to be happy ever after.
So I write just to say if I can try so others can too.

Pretending that I am brave and I can do anything I have in my hands is pretty much easy than fighting with my own mind. I know all my interests and likings are gone but to try and start doing something is far more easy than being alone in the greys of my mood and staring back at the blankness.

I just picked up my pen and camera. I am trying to fill in the colors in my black and white photos. Behind the scene, the real story is disheartening and soul snatching. I am sorry to say but this is the fact of my condition right now. Many a times a thought of ending everything comes to my mind and I am afraid of it. I love my children so much that I can’t even dare to think so. Thus keeping my children in mind I have decided to fight…and believe me writing has helped me a lot.

Some liberties I got and rest I took. And because of it I know there are many like me and there is no shame in opening about the condition. I know my mental illness is not going to leave me but I know it can be controlled. This fact has helped me a lot and all this I found out here on the net, by writing and reading a lot about sufferers like me. Some of their stories made me cry some of them made me strong. Today with all your support and zest for love for my children I am again trying my level best to fight back.

For me every color of life has been washed away with the betrayal of my love but I am trying to rekindle my interest in everything. So that I can let it(the pain) go and be happy. I want to be happy because I am suffocating down here, in the cage of my thoughts. They don’t let me come up, as I try to climb, they pull me down. So after writing, I am picking up one more interest to rekindle…that is Camera. I will take my trail to survive, to next level. I don’t like to give up neither I like to fail. So will keep trying.

I believe that your investments (in any walk of life) never go in vain. Its degree of your faith that gets you the returns in many folds or even loss. So with my fingers crossed and heart in my work, I am starting my new you tube channel, hoping that it will take me one more step closer to my dreams coming true.

Then I wish to speak. I mean when I was studying and we had some program in school I was so afraid of acting or debating on stage. And group discussions were nightmares. But once in grade 8 I was asked to read a school report in front of everyone present as I started the mic went off but in my tension to finish the report I continued to read it loudly so that everyone can listen. I was surprised to know that I was appreciated for that. This incident gave mea boost so one more time and that was the last time I spoke publically, for the class project I had to explain my model. Everyone listened attentively thus my teacher said I had the talent of Gap. So this I want to try in next level.

These all are my tools to fight with my depression.  For anxiety I have to master the mind game tools. I am trying meditation, yoga and other mind calming tools. I don’t have mastered the techniques yet but I know it will pay me in the long run. As for panic attacks and sleep paralysis and hallucinations I am searching. If anybody knows something to deal with these two please leave the remedy in my comment section.

I believe every human being has the right to be happy, this is the reason I have no grudge against my hubby and his muse. If they are happy that way let them be. I am happy loving him. As I said universe is very powerful, it will look into the matter and will accordingly justify. So, being happy is what I am destined to be. Thus regaining my true happiness is I am aiming right now. In the eyes of my children I want to be a good mother so that later in their lives they don’t feel bad about me and our relationship. I want them to smile whenever they see me and give me tight hugs. Their sweet chatters and their naughtiness driving me crazy, are what I want to enjoy. I want to feel everything. I want to feel pain, I want to feel love and all this is true happiness for me. For this I am trying my level best to cope with what I  am going through.

I don’t know what I am writing but today just wanted to share my inner feelings with you all and ask for some other ways to tackle this. Hope you will understand and give me suggestions.

May 2018: Mental Health Awareness Month ~💚~ Share Because You Care ~💚~ — Beckie’s Mental Mess

Good Afternoon, My Dear Friends! I want to profusely thank all of you who are sharing your stories with me and sharing your websites names to add to the Mental Health Meet & Greet list. A new list of websites will be shared on Friday, May 11th. 💚 Together, we can break the stigma that […]

via May 2018: Mental Health Awareness Month ~💚~ Share Because You Care ~💚~ — Beckie’s Mental Mess