Sometimes the thought occurs ‘ what Sushant Singh Rajput did, requires a lot of courage. If..only if, I had that much guts.’ May be some will say, I am wrong in saying so but I know what it means to end your thriving life. How hard it is to bring yourself to the point where you leave everything behind and opt out of the present painful situation. May be some might not agree with me but for me it’s not a cowardly act to quit but a very tough and hard decision and an act of bravery. It includes to summon all your will power to give up your dreams, desires and hopes which not all can do. To leave behind everything you love and for which you were fighting till now to leave that behind, how can it be cowardly. I only wish if I had that gut power,that much courage. This pain of heart break, the loneliness and the darkness I hide in me and live with, drain tos out all that it takes to live so quitting is the best option. I want to question people who say quitting is cowardly act and living requires lot of strength and courage. How can it be so? Just try to quit once and see what requires courage. You will not be able to kill yourself that easily. Your mind will not let you do so to your body as our bodies are meant to survive, to safeguard themselves. Thus fighting and surviving is but natural thing. Quitting from life itself is something you win over. So how can suicide be a cowardly act? It’s always been and always will be the act of bravery. Don’t say it’s running away from situation because you don’t know what hardships and pain or stress and pressure and heartbreak or fear a person might be going through. How surviving with it losing one is correct when knowing the option in your hand and not taking it. Isn’t it wrong? For me it is. I already said leaving behind everything, everybody and all desires or dreams that matter you the most is not easy. It requires a lot of inner strength and a strong will power so you don’t weaken and change your mind to be in the same wrath. I have made my point clear or rather say kept forward my opinion, it’s upto you to react your way; but remember one thing, there is no wrong or right. This is the difference of perspective, what you opine and act is right in your view and what I opine and act is correct in my view. So, when both are correct how can be anyone wrong? As you or me, have no right to judge anyone.
Sometimes life plays such a googly that you can only wish everything else was just your imagination. But you know it’s not and you pray harder for it to be your negative thinking and deep inside you know the truth and you pray harder.
But the thought sets so deep inside that you don’t know when it starts to show up on your face and people start questioning you ‘what’s wrong with you?’ Or ‘what happened to your face, why does it appear so different?’ Then you realise that what you thought has passed away, actually has seeped in deep in your soul.
Some times I feel that I should not share my problem of anxiety with one who never has suffered it even once in life. No matter how patiently you try to explain they will retaliate back whenever they get the opportunity of hurting you. May be in anger they say something which hurts you but it doesn’t lessens the pain.
Somewhere I read that a time comes when the pain becomes so deep that it numbs our feelings and we stop complaining and explaining. I think I am going through that phase. Some more time that I would stop talking about it, completely. May be that’d be better as I won’t bother anyone won’t hurt anyone. Wish for me please I reach that stage soon, where I can’t feel anything to express it, to complain about it.
Love you all who pray for me and those who don’t still love to have you around.
The time has passed very past since I started blogging and now I am in a phase where my pain has given a way to numbness, sort of. And I still am trying to figure out what I want?
Basically the idea behind to start the blog was to put out my thoughts in words because they were emergings in such a speed in my mind that I was not able to cope up, plus they were thoughts of hopelessness, so I thought it better to put them out of my mind or else they might have turnedme crazy or lunatic, killed me at most.
But, now the urgency of taking them out has slowed down a bit and plus my hubby bcomes angry seeing them as he feels whatever he is doing for me to take my mind away from the insulting betraying pain he has given me, is useless and wants to stop loving and caring for me finally. So, I have stopped thinking, at all and turned absentminded. I am, sometimes blank, or dumb or even weired.
There are many distractions I am fancying now a days to stop thinking and writing. Till now I didnt know why I am staying away from the blog or why not writing poems or songs even, but while writing this very blogpost I realized what’s the reason behind my not able to write, write anything at all. Because, my words spoke about the pain I feel, the hurt I am going through. Now I know the whole life I am living is just a pretence of happiness and peace. But for the love of children this pretence is nccessary, so I think its better to stay away from what all is going on in my heart, let the mind be unaware of real me for the sake of happiness and smile of my children.
But, tell you what? Its really scary when by chance or mistakenly I take a sneakpeak inside me, like today. The real me is still very furious and hurt, looking ways for forgive herself, to come to terms with the harsh reality of life. Pray for me please, that I stay sane and Live life not spend it. I want to enjoy the chance I’ve got, do not want to waste it as it may be the last and only.
Why are people so admunt sometimes to accept that they are the reason for someone’s depression? They blame it all on patient’s depressive conditions.
Wont try to understand. Don’t wont to.
This depression takes toll on the life of people involved. The relation, the happiness everything. Its so dangerous. It keeps returning, how hard you try to supress or control it, to gulp everything you possess, your peace and sense of belonging, in its one stride.
But one thing I don’t understand why people think its a game of mind, that it can be switched on or off?
Life is treating me like a stranger. I dont know how to get out of this situation. It’s strange that I am unknown to myself. The person who grew up and the person whp turned out on growing up are two different people. Its becoming hard day by day to keep abalance between the two, to keep hold on life itself. Everyday I struggle to keep calm. To keep calm in front of my love, my kidos and others, when the tables turn. But don’t know how to get out of this.
I never ever was such a irritating person. But now I am irritating myself. Life has so much to offer but I am not opening up to accept it. How hard I may try but trys are all I do.
Sometimes I hear or see someone elses problems and their struggles with life, for a while I feel blessed but then again my darkness falls on me. I have become like a frog 2ho liv3s in a well and thinos its the whole world. I hate this situation. I want to come out of it, the wrll is a very scary place, it may suffocate me. The darkness down here is very numbing. I am desperate to feel everything again, the way I used to feel. I want to be real me. The originql me. I understand the pain and wait of pupa before it comes out of the cocoon as an enchanting butterfly but the difference here is I don’t know when my cocoon will break.
It is said the night is darkest before the dawn and the turn where we feel enough is enough is where the things take turn. But why can’t anyone tell the time for this long wait which seems infinite.
A scar in my mind which doesnt heals.
A bend in my heart which refuses to be fixed.
A pain in me which is there to stay as long as I live.