Life is treating me like a stranger. I dont know how to get out of this situation. It’s strange that I am unknown to myself. The person who grew up and the person whp turned out on growing up are two different people. Its becoming hard day by day to keep abalance between the two, to keep hold on life itself. Everyday I struggle to keep calm. To keep calm in front of my love, my kidos and others, when the tables turn. But don’t know how to get out of this.
I never ever was such a irritating person. But now I am irritating myself. Life has so much to offer but I am not opening up to accept it. How hard I may try but trys are all I do.
Sometimes I hear or see someone elses problems and their struggles with life, for a while I feel blessed but then again my darkness falls on me. I have become like a frog 2ho liv3s in a well and thinos its the whole world. I hate this situation. I want to come out of it, the wrll is a very scary place, it may suffocate me. The darkness down here is very numbing. I am desperate to feel everything again, the way I used to feel. I want to be real me. The originql me. I understand the pain and wait of pupa before it comes out of the cocoon as an enchanting butterfly but the difference here is I don’t know when my cocoon will break.
It is said the night is darkest before the dawn and the turn where we feel enough is enough is where the things take turn. But why can’t anyone tell the time for this long wait which seems infinite.
From my face you don’t know what’s going in my mind. My eyes are somewhere and my mind is thinking something else. Sometimes my sight is stuck at some point but my thoughts are completely something else. Sometimes my mind has dual thought processing at the same time. Which means eys looking at a scene mind has two thoughts at the same time…like one thought is about my life, the other one at the same time about him with his life. Sometimes its really hard to tell whats going on in my mind from the look on my face. Occasionally tear rolls out of the eye’s corner and reaches the corner of my lips and its then I myself come to know the condition of my mind, shocking? Yes it is for me atleast. I then rub it off as if nothing happened, because I dont have any other option, no one’s there to understand what I go through when I am left alone in the xompany of my mind. So much muddling of contrasting rhoughts, attacking eachother and harming no one but me, in anycase. This is the reason I hate my company, it suffocates me. I have nothing in my control but a battle inside turn into war inside out, with myself. I feel so helpless and hopeless that I just want to do something, which is not good for anyone. But my badluck I cannot do even that, you know why? Because I have two small kids, I have to look towards them and stop myself. Life is becoming miserable day by day. How long I will pull up, I don’t know. But sometimes the thoughts are dangerous when you are lonely, no one to listen to you, understand you and look in the depth of your soul and realise how bad you are hurt.
All said, I have only one thing to request, I will keep fighting and won’t give up. For the sake of my children, my love for him, my new found love for my words and pen, to tell stories of all kind, to lwt others like me know that its hard to get rid of our condition but its not impossible to keep fighting against, either. We can fake a smile and enjoy moments so that sometimes our mind may get confused and leave us at peace for sometime, so that we can enjoy life in real for a while atleast. When the pang of depression strikes again, we have some peaceful and beautiful memories to give us strength and hope that atleast there are some light spots in this dampest of place, and if bad days have surrounded us, the good days are nit far behind.
I know we cannot get rid of this darkness once it has kissed us but we can surely get the control in our hands, with little practice. And rest we have to keep fighting with it on and off, all our lives.
I thought of swirling with you on a sweet tune of my favourite song just even for a few seconds, if not for longer. Because i wanted to distract my mind from pain, the pain which is so sharp and piercing, the pain which is incurable, so deep, so unwanted but unavoidable.
It cannot be treated as the wound of it, is not visible and its said the wouns which are nor seen are deeper and most painful because what you cannot see you cannot treat. And people dont understand that kind of pain because its not present for them to see and they believe in what they see. It cannot be felt by others so its sort of non existent for them. They do not know what the hell I am going through. Its making me forgetting all my likings and hobbies.
And in my mind its making me feel its presense every second. There are moments when it overpowers me and I just want to hide behind the darkness and sulk . They call me lazy, careless, ignorant, forgetful and what not. Dont miss a chance to hurt me. Someimes I doubt whether they understand my condition or not? But then they say they do, its me who should try to comeout of it and shrug that darkness, it makes me confused about them amd me both. Sometimes I feel am I really wantedly doing this all, this heartbreaking and life threatening thing? No certainly not, I am going through something that really exists and its eating me up internally and I am fighting it with all my might. I know I have only one life to live and fulfill my dreams so I cant let it take away all my happiness and the colors from it. Its really hard to cope but still I am trying to ignore it, step over it run from it, ahead of it, in short doing everyhing just to put it at the back of the mind so that it bothers me less.
The best remedy is his company, him understanding me and the worst trigger is just opposite of it. So, I think I really deserve some little treats as treatment. Don’t I?
One late evening,time must be round about 6.30 or 7.00 p.m. We were returning back from dance class. The routine route had a road work going on so the route diversion was a necessity. This new route was a crisscross network of narrow roads between the colonies.
As it’s winter season the dark falls early and the roads get quiet too. One or two vehicles or pedestrians, we’re visible on the road. Half the shops were shut and the ones which were open had no customers.
The lamposts are on large gaps. So the road was partially lighted. The wind was blowing with little buzzing sound. The trees on the roadside played sort of rough hushed music.
We must have crossed half way when I had to take left for home, on the turn there is a semi constructed building, lying in same condition from last year and a half, it has some ie about it. It’s always dark in and around that particular building and the adjective one is always lit. But this one on giving a side glance always gives shivers as it’s bit shaggy around it. And too lonely. After crossing this patch and moving a 100 mts ahead on the opposite side lies another such building standing in the ground which is empty and is home to trees, shrubs and hedges.while we were crossing this patch the breeze became more cool and chilled. The sound of the fallen leaves was like someone was walking over them. I was startled and looked in that direction through the corner of my eyes. The shadows on the wall of the building were like someone stood there so I gave a sudden look and found that it was nothing but a shrub bending in such a way.
I drove ahead and turned into a narrow road. Driving for about 100 mts. in the dark, stood a figure very still like statue. At least in the meager light of the bike it appeared so. Then as I passed it, it jumped aside! It was actually a drunkard man trying to figure out which way to go. Then rest of the way passed in silence, partial darkness and cool and freezing wind trying to say something in the ear. But all this was till I reached the last turn, half a km before home, when suddenly a black cat jumped out of nowhere in the darkness into the spotlight of the bike and ran away. I applied breaks which made a screeching sound and took a deep breath then moved on. Just out side the main entrance of our apartment thee is a small room like place build for gatekeeper which has never been used. There is some shabby growth of plants and shrubs and there is no light in that particular section so when we reached there and were about to turn in the drive way the sudden movement of shadows, due to bleak light coming from a distant street light, felt that some one is about to jump out of the dark corner. I speeded up the bike and raced directly into the cellar parking, where finally the lighting was proper. Parked the bike, took hold of frightened children and raced to the lift. While lift came down it made a screeching sound and holed with a jolt. In the lift I pressed the button to my floor and it started with the same jolt throwing us up in the air for about fraction of a second. But at last we were safely home.