In search of Comfort…

From past 2 – 3 days I am not my normal self. I thought of working on my memoir but could not do so.

Reason? CORONA ! My hubby is detected moderately Corona positive. And I am not by his side. As I told in my previous blogs that I have come to my brother’s place and I am stuck here in month long lockdown. Even there at my place also it’s lockdown.

Though his treatment is going on at home and he says he is going g fine so I should not bother much and should not rush to him with children, as flight is the place to catch infection and that will be more problematic. Moreover, I won’t be able to go near him so it’s safe that I stay where I am.

Just to lighten up when I tried TV it was all filled with Corona news and all sort of negative information. When I turned to movies, I couldn’t stop thinking about him which again brought the sad reality.

I tried my social apps but of no use. E erywhere I hear about it. Last but not least, I turned back to YouTube and there I tried all my followed channels but of no use. I even tried talk down meditation and self hypnosis but nothing actually helped. Then, I found a channel of a couple who have left their settled life in city and me their home in hills. That channel brought me so much relief that I subscribed them. While searching for more such channels I came across one another guy who is a local Vlogger and till two days back was going through the same problem as mine. Actually, his father was hospitalized due to CORONA. He, too unlike me was searching for something to comfort himself during that period. YouTube, Facebook, Instagram, movies but couldn’t console himself and his work as a vlogger suffered a lot.

But, atleast I got the point that I am not alone who is at unrest and not over reacting. Now, as I understand diverting my interest to something new I may give rest to troubled mind plus one more thing I have found out that mountains are calling me too. Not the commercial areas but the rural or outskirts. The calm and peaceful life made me cry. The serenity of the mountains is so addictive. I don’t know whether I will get to experience that life or not but for now it is calming and comforting my alarmed soul.

I pray for safety of all. Be careful.

Papa…through my eyes

Papa was posted out of home town after ten years for the first time. We accompanied him. He was very particular about everything so that we don’t have to face any problem regarding anything. From house to school and house help. Because it was the first time for us to be separated from our big joint family, and maa had to maintain the household all by herself.

Back at home, there were many people to help in house hold work and take care of me and my younger brother. Here it was all to be done by maa and papa without any help. But, as I mentipned papa was particular about making arrangements of home and house help we got a beautiful home and the house helps were provided by his office. So, now only problem left was our school. That too was solved soon but he was still worried about me that how will I manage in school all by myself. As, back at home I was accompanied by my cousins and sibling and here I had to attend school alone, all by myself and that too at such a tender age of 12.

Papa was so much worried about me that one day he came over to my school to just pay me a visit and confirm that I was doing well. He saw me sitting all alone in the quiet corner of the playground area(as it was recess time) and went straight to principal’s office. I was then called. This made me nervous as I couldn’t understand what mistake I made. On the way to her office, my legs were shaking and there were cramps in stomach. In her office, when I saw papa, sitting very serious, I felt afraid and confused and couldn’t understand what have I done so bad that they had to call papa. I wanted to run away but papa noticed saw me and my teary eyes and face as pale as dry grass. I stopped dead at the door. He arose from the chair and walked towards me. My heart was beating in my mouth, as fast as express train. He came near me and lifted his hand, placed on my head and asked why did I sat alone in a corner? We were given extra time after recess was over to talk. He looked at me and asked if everything was okay? But now I know and deeply believe that he came there to make sure for himself that I was safe and doing well.

One another such day, I was suffering from stomach flue but couldn’t take leave from school as exams were coming near. At school, classes started after Zero period in which we had some physical activities. From the ground I saw Papa pacing up and down the corridor in front of our class and Principal was standing along with him. She signaled me to comeover. When I reached them, Papa was already at the top of the small flight of stairs. He asked about my stomach ache and gave me some syrup. He even made sure that I will go straight to the class and take rest. Then he said to principal that if required she should call him. After he left, she said that I was one lucky girl to have him around and that he cared so much about his li’l princess. He came all the way just to make sure that I am OK. He was one worried parent who loved his daughter so much.

Though thirty-four years have passed, I cannot forget what my principal said about him, ever. Those words are engraved in my heart so deep that they will never ever fade.

I always remember Papa with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes. His loss is something I can never cope with. As I mentioned in my previous post, I am writing a memoir about him but fighting a turmoil of emotions to complete. This post is one small example of it, which I planned weeks back but had no courage to start and when started, completed today but posting it without any re-reads or corrections. Hope I am forgiven for that.

Writing a memoir.

Hi dear fellow bloggers and writers.

I was thinking to a write a memoir from a long time but was not able to start. The reason was that I couldn’t decide upon the topic. I am not a big personality nor a known figure, so, at a point gave up the idea. As who would like to read my memoir but then a point striked in my mind. It is, basically a theme for my photo album, about my father.

The time spent with a loving father, who is no more to guide you, is the most cherished treasure for any child. That said, I chose to write a memoir about him. Anyone can relate to the emotion, easily.

So, I planned two-three subtopics along that main idea. And started working upon them. Recently, wrote outlines for the first few chapters. But, I felt the need to break from writing the memoir. Because, the memories are overwhelming and I cannot take it in one go. So, just to find the support and comfort, I turned to you people, who are my strength and supporters in times of breakdown.

The memoir is called, ‘ Remembering father, through the eyes of a daughter.’ Hope you understand what I meant by saying ‘overwhelming’. I have to go down the memory lane to fetch the most minute details. Every time, I come out of the dream world when Papa was alive, I get hit by the harsh truth of his demise, long ago. This makes me emotionally robbed once again.

These are the times when I need him by my side, the most. I understand that whatever your age may be, but your first comforting shoulder is of your father. In any trouble, you look upto him for support. And today I am feeling lonely. In his absence I am all lost. The feeling of emptiness engulf

My situation

I am sorry for being so irregular. Actually, this past month was very confusing and lost. Turmoil is the word that describes best my mental condition from last couple of months. I start something and eventhough I put my best of interest in it, I can not continue.

I just keep it aside and sit lost and exhausted. Month of January, I assigned to reading and in 2 weeks were ok. I complete 3 1/2 books but after that the concentration started wandering. I am able to complete hardly 2 books in past months.

Whenever, I sit down to write there is something which I cannot describe and it doesn’t let me continue more than one day at maximum. I am bit tensed.

So, I have decided to take a leave of my present surrounding and go to my brother’s place for 2 months and leave all my tensions and worries here. May be it will give me some time to write and read.

Hope, it goes well.

Aah… this is called Heaven!

Coffee and heaven is synonymous, atleast for me. It is one sure shot medicine for all my problems and illnesses and even mood swings. The moment it came into my hand it changed the whole environment.

Now, for being absent from the picture for a long time. There is lot of turmoil going on in my personal life. There is so much confusion and because of that so much anxiety and irritation. So much anger that got point of vent in form of self hurt.

Few days back I came across a situation where I could finally, makeout that how the people committing suicide get courage to do so and after all what do they think in the decision making moment. And believe me its really frightening. That numbness doesn’t want anything else but just the way to engulf the life.

Actually, I was planning to write some other post few days back. In totally different mood. About my WIP and one small achievement of mine but sudden turn of luck brought me here, to this post.

I will surely share my happy mood post soon but today somehow gathered courage to write it down and share with you all. It makes me feel lighter and better. Above all, I feel surrounded by many warriors and their support.

I am glad, that you all keep tugging even though sometimes I am not around.


Gosh..! Seems ages passed and I was like…Looking for something which had some meaning or atleast resonated with what I feel…and today at this time … 10.38 pm on 23rd Jan 21, I saw … a word which had every emotion I go through. …Thantophobia.

Since my childhood I’ve always hidden my actual feelings just in case If they are known, my loved ones will be dead or leave me alone. Some incidents in my childhood and early teens, confirmed it. And today I still struggle with the same fear. I have a feeling that I am still being haunted by it. May be its true, the fear. Though I am trying to overcome it but Time pushes my efforts back everytime and confirms that my fears are true.

Negative Vibes

Negative vibes travel faster than any other mood vibes. And they tend to linger on longer too.

If in a house hold of 6 members where you have your in laws living with you, the chance of negative vibes are more. If your oldies are orthodox and conservative like mine and on top of it they have bossy nature. So, when they get to face an opposition or something goes against their thinking then, you are surely in for a blast.

This blast may happen specifically between the two oldies because they finally have no one else to fight with as no one listens to them. You can sense the tension even from 10 feet distance or as in my case, we stay on the upper story of the duplex apartment and they stay on the lower one. When I put my fist step on the stairs, I can feel the gloom of hitting me hard. And I get to know that something has happened downstairs between the two. Their negative vibes loom for days and sometimes it grabs me. The side effects are visible in my hubby also in the form of sad or irritated mood. I get depressive feeling due to this and once I am hit by those monstrous feelings, its very hard to get rid of them easily. Thought I try to keep my cool but it literally takes a lot to stay positive. Sometimes the poor children have to face burnt of it all. I fear my poor sun, who is a pre-teen suffers a lot because of my oldies` negative and narrow mindedness. Poor child has so much of frustration for many issues. I try my best to balance and tell him to practice meditation and learn to practice patience. He is sometimes not able to control his anger. I am worried about him.

Sometimes the negative vibes take a toll on our relation too…days pass with the communication stranded. May be there are situations with you also when you too dont want to talk with any one. May be you feel that if you talk your barrier on anger may give away or you might want to tell straight forward to them about their immature behavior. I don't know how many of you relate or agree with my point; but one thing is for sure, that negativity invites sadness which invites doom. May be its bit exaggerated but its true.

Though I suffer the heartache of being at the receiving end I try to come out of it as soon as I can.

India shines

Today is the most proud moment for India and each Indian. Thanks to the scientists who brought successful COVID vaccine and made India proud. Today not only WHO, but the whole world looks towards India.

The praise of WHO and their faith on the scientists is encouraging. The country is moving forward towards the self made status which the Prime Minister gave as motto to his country fellowmen. And hope is genrated for each one to stand upon their own instead of looking towards others. It gives hope that India will become a developed and progressive country soon.

This post can go very long but it will be like boasting self. So here I will close my post once again congratulating India and the Indians.

The Grass walk

Aah! Finally I managed to get out of the busy house life for a few days.

After 9 long months of self quarantine and social distancing I managed to convince my hubby darling to take us out.

The place he selected is my favorite outing spot. Far from the chaos of city life, it’s surrounded by nature and is the country area. The place where we stayed is in mid of the fields. Not far from it, lies forest and hills. There are many historical and mythological sites nearby.

Few of them I will share with you in my posts’ Vikharabad Series’. Today in intro, I will show you merely the place where we stayed and its surroundings.

The resort itself is rustic. Dotted with themed tents, reception area and the decorations. The food is simple yet tasty. It is named as ‘ The Grass Walk’. It is built atop of a Highland, from where you can see the surrounding easily.

In winters its chilling in nights but the camp fire is organised by the owners on your demand. The tent I choose is East facing, so that when I wake up I can see the rising sun, the first thing in the morning. Apart from that, there is a private small patio like space provided with every tent which overlooks nearby fields and has thick trees. The mornings are like lifetime experience. I love drinking my morning coffee sitting there observing the serenity. The calmness and the chirping of the birds takes over your worries. Once you merge with the nature, you will not want to return to your chaotic life, ever again.

The long walks or tracking on the hilly forest takes you to another world. You have some extraordinary experiences. You just can’t explain them in words.

I am sure, when you return from there, you will leave, a part of you, behind. The impressions won’t go away. Just imagine, you waking up to the sound of peacocks, sparrows, tailorbirds, quails and many other kind of birds which are now extinct in the city. Not far from the place, is a stream flowing which you cross everytime you go for a stroll or walk or even for tracking. You can even observe a part of rural life and how the farmers work in their farms.

Dinner was a beautiful experience. Sitting out on the patio, shivering with cold, children covering themselves with blankets and eating our hot dinner, listening to the sound of crickets, and strange sounds of farmers who stayed back to look after their crops from the deers and stags, antelopes etc. which came out from the nearing forest.

Summers are engaging as well. The patio evenings are marvellous. Just sit in the quiet, sipping your cold coffee and observing the nature, people and green hills in the distance. For dinner you can ask them to serve on the scaffolding. They even provide a night stay on it. With transparent roof and transparent curtain in front and the sunrise from there is best with the vast fields visible.

In my next post of this series I will take you on tracking to a view point.

Till then please enjoy this sight.



Fantastic View
African themed tent
View from bed