My book is available online now.

Hi everyone.

I actually want to shout loudly, like crazy at this moment as my book is finally online. It is published. Like actually published. From past three years I’ve been working on it and you all are witness of my growth. Today is the day for which I prayed and you all blessed me.

Here I am sharing the links…if any one is generois enough to provide me with the review…or any sort of interaction I would love it.

Fighting With My Inner Demons

My book”s poster

I am so happy to share my books poster with you all. Very soon my dream wil be in my hands in the form of a book. Its because of you all out there who supported me, encouraged me and gave me courage to go ahead. Now I am here with all your blessings and wishes.

It took so much time and strength to go ahead with this project. So many times I broke down in this journey till this poster was released yester day. I don’t know how I will react when I really have the book in my hand but counting on you to be my side.

Thanks to all you beautiful souls ourt there.

Fighting my inner demons

Hi all my WP family memebrs….I am too excited and overhelmed to share a news with you that couldnot stop myself from writing this post first, keeping my work aside.

Just now I recieved a mail from Olumpia publishers that they have gone through my synopsis and sample chapter of the book titled’ Fighting My Inner Devils’ and want my manuscript for further evaluation.

I dont know what is next but for now I am very happy that atleast I have finished one goal out of three. I already shared with you all friends out there that I am writing a book on, how I deal with my depression, anxiety and panic attacks, so this book of mine has started off its joureney and took its first step towards its final destinqtion.

I thank you all with my heart and feel deepest gratitude towards you, that you supported me, encouraged me and corrected me wherever neccessary. Please pray for it to passout with glowing colors. I need them the most. And with all your blessings and well wishes I know it can happen.

Thanks again for all the support and for standing by me.

Why I Write.

Somewhere on the net I read ” when you can tell your story and it doesn’t make you cry, you know you have healed” I am waiting for that moment to happen to me, when i can turn back and atleast smile without a tinge of pain, over what I want to tell in the book I am writing, which I actually avoid writing.
I know its not only about me but everyone arround me. Still its a sad and bitter experience for me and I know where I have been due to this and how I have come back, not yet to the mark I was supposed to be but still kicking back at life and trying to heal, from the place where once was and never wanted to come back. I never wanted to see what life could hold for me or what sun’s first ray of light hold for me. But then I gathered all my willingness to love back and see the smiles on my children’s face I tried to fake what I wanted and here I am today, trying to take over my life and have my own way, not giving in, to my demons.
I never looked for any one to help me climb up but I supported my self to climb the ladder towards light. There was or is no one to understand me but me, so i just hold my hand and walk step by step in the darkest of hours just hoping to reach the point from where I can start my journey towards light. There were many critical points in past couple of years when everything was blurred and muddled and I wanted to give up but some how could not do so. Because everytime it happened a voice in me told to hold on little bit tighter and hangon, because I never was a coward but a fighter, a lone one, I always hadbeen my own strength so how come I can give up so easily or without trying a one more time and thus whenever I felt low the innervoice told me same thing over and over again. Even now it continues to knock some sense in my dumb head. If it was not for my gutt feeling I would never have survived so long. Not this heart break atleast. In other words I have been a good cheerleader for myself in hard times and still am and will continue to be.
Earlier I thought being a writer is very cool and to write about your pain, is cooler then anything else but now I knnow for being a cool writer how hard you have to work and how much pain you have to go through. Living the long burried painful moments again and again is very tiring and horrible. Then I came to know being a writer is very responsible thing because you are influencing lives of many through your pains, gains and losses for which you have to relive them. Because you know yourself better and all your experiences come in handy while writing. Thus, I understand that writing is really a healer for not readers alone but for the writers too. A best way to come out of your inhibitions and encounter your fears, pains, losses and other darker side of you. Writing about them not only heals you but inspires others also giving them the hope and a way to try out. It`s like saving your own life.
Sometimes I hide from myself when I don`t want to write or stop writing. It happens often, because I cann`t take the burden of my demons. I just start running, forgetting that its the only way out. The more I will acknowladge it the lesser the impact will be upon me. But sometimes I feel exhausted and left with no energy to carry on. But I know I have to face it some or the other day so why not now, this brings me back to my paper and pen. Because I want everyone to know that failures and defeats are a small part of our life but the life as a whole is very vast and promising if we give it a chance and a second chance in case of some people. periodical drawbacks cann`t be given chance to loom over a big chunk of life demolishing it to nothingness and robbing us of our right to be happy ever after.
So I write just to say if I can try so others can too.

I wrote today…

Hey friends want to share my happiness with you all.

First is that one of my poems got selected and published in poetry section of the newspaper.

Second is that today I re-read and made amends to the second chapter of my book, the first draft been proof read for the first time and wrote the third chapter, but it took bit long to complete it as I kept editing on the go…and will proof read it either tomorrow or … no not tomorrow but soon.

I know for many of you its not a big deal but for me its really something. Because whenever I sit to write, I get scared and sad as I have to go through all the heartbreaking experience and relive the moments. Sometimes it triggers my depressive mood which prolongs for days. Even editing takes a toll on my emotions and you will not believe me when I say I even cry for hours while and after writing. So thats the reason its an accomplishment for me and I want to share with you all and that too without crying, atleast not as much I normally do.

Sorry for embarrassing you.

Desires not Wishes.

Hmmm…the first month of new year already a week old. And we all are still struggling with our wishes and resolutions but tell you what? I am not into this madness. I don’t have resolutions at all. I only have heart felt desires. And I believe that one day I am going to make it big anyhow. Because desires are something more powerfully backed up with intense willingness  to fulfill them.

And my desires are not in much. Not so many at least. Only 2 or 3 at maximum. First is to keep writing and writing and writing, that brings us to second which is to work more on my book ‘ Fighting  with My Inner Devils’ and the last one is to materialize my dream to own my channel on You Tube about abandoned places and buildings.

I am working hard on latter one. Actually it requires thorough research and pre work. I know I have to do lot before starting it but believe me its kind of dream which requires me to spend some sleepless nights just to realize it. As of the book I’ve completed the intro, first chapter and started second one. I will do the proof reading and editing later on, that is after completing. And writing will anyhow continue. And one day I will write the script for the movie I am dreaming of since my teenage. And hope that it will be somewhere soon in the near future.

Hope one day soon I will be talking about them in present tense and how I feel after accomplishing all these dreams.

This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.



What should I do?

Hey should I be writing about my fight with my inner demons or not? Because it’s again rising my anxiety levels, my hurt and making me depressive. To think about the reason again and again to write down how I deal, it’s compelling me to let it take over again. What should I do? I think I am not yet ready or shall I fight with this also and keep writing? 

I don’t know what’s right at the moment. If I ask their answer will be I am making up or just overreacting it’s nothing at all. So instead of asking someone who is not an aware of the pain I am asking people who have seen this height of agony and pain or who still are living with it just like me. Trying to control it. 

Though I am able to breathe if I am not thinking about it or if I am writing something and indulge myself in some of my hobbies, though I have lost the intrest in all my hobbies and intrest but just to keep myself alive and thriving and forget the pain, I am trying to rekindle my intrest. But the moment my mind is off from all these things I am back at ground 0, facing the same darkness from which I keep running. Then my mind urges to die!