Aah… this is called Heaven!

Coffee and heaven is synonymous, atleast for me. It is one sure shot medicine for all my problems and illnesses and even mood swings. The moment it came into my hand it changed the whole environment.

Now, for being absent from the picture for a long time. There is lot of turmoil going on in my personal life. There is so much confusion and because of that so much anxiety and irritation. So much anger that got point of vent in form of self hurt.

Few days back I came across a situation where I could finally, makeout that how the people committing suicide get courage to do so and after all what do they think in the decision making moment. And believe me its really frightening. That numbness doesn’t want anything else but just the way to engulf the life.

Actually, I was planning to write some other post few days back. In totally different mood. About my WIP and one small achievement of mine but sudden turn of luck brought me here, to this post.

I will surely share my happy mood post soon but today somehow gathered courage to write it down and share with you all. It makes me feel lighter and better. Above all, I feel surrounded by many warriors and their support.

I am glad, that you all keep tugging even though sometimes I am not around.

Thantophobia

Gosh..! Seems ages passed and I was like…Looking for something which had some meaning or atleast resonated with what I feel…and today at this time … 10.38 pm on 23rd Jan 21, I saw … a word which had every emotion I go through. …Thantophobia.

Since my childhood I’ve always hidden my actual feelings just in case If they are known, my loved ones will be dead or leave me alone. Some incidents in my childhood and early teens, confirmed it. And today I still struggle with the same fear. I have a feeling that I am still being haunted by it. May be its true, the fear. Though I am trying to overcome it but Time pushes my efforts back everytime and confirms that my fears are true.

I feel like crying

Sometimes life plays such a googly that you can only wish everything else was just your imagination. But you know it’s not and you pray harder for it to be your negative thinking and deep inside you know the truth and you pray harder.

But the thought sets so deep inside that you don’t know when it starts to show up on your face and people start questioning you ‘what’s wrong with you?’ Or ‘what happened to your face, why does it appear so different?’ Then you realise that what you thought has passed away, actually has seeped in deep in your soul.

Some times I feel that I should not share my problem of anxiety with one who never has suffered it even once in life. No matter how patiently you try to explain they will retaliate back whenever they get the opportunity of hurting you. May be in anger they say something which hurts you but it doesn’t lessens the pain.

Somewhere I read that a time comes when the pain becomes so deep that it numbs our feelings and we stop complaining and explaining. I think I am going through that phase. Some more time that I would stop talking about it, completely. May be that’d be better as I won’t bother anyone won’t hurt anyone. Wish for me please I reach that stage soon, where I can’t feel anything to express it, to complain about it.

Love you all who pray for me and those who don’t still love to have you around.

Social Anxiety

I am trying to fight myself. You may wonder, what the heck does that mean? So, before you call me crazy, I’ll clear your doubts. Actually, I suffer from social anxiety. It is like a childhood friend to me. It never left me alone. Never let me wander in the company of other children for long and being social, is an unfulfilled dream.
I missed out on so many things during my growing years. I wanted to do so much but could not pursue. Now when I see young children doing what once I wanted to do or dreamt of doing, I feel at loss. Now sometimes I think, what if I had ignored the feeling and carried on with what I wanted to do? I could have learnt something I love. DId so many things which I regret not doing, now.
Even still one year back, I missed upon enjoying the parties and the merrymaking. But this year it was something different. On the First of Jan. something happened which changed a lot of things for me. First is, I got the approval from publishers, then everything fell in place. Secondly, I am getting a lot of support from my husband. And what is giving me high, is that I learned dance moves and that too without feeling shy for a party. Then performed without hesitation. In fact,I was waiting for my chance. I didn’t feel shy. The audience didn’t give me jitters; I saw and felt only my husband and his company.
I feel now I can do some of the things I missed earlier. Recently, my daughter joined a dance class; and I think I can learn too. There is a gym, in the same building I can join that also. Or join some new class. I want to start driving the car again. And have joined some online writing clubs which hold meetups. I look forward to them and the library meetups, where I can learn something new and talk whatever I have in my mind. This is a totally new experience for me. It’s like I want to spread my colourful wings and explore the world around me.
My social anxiety does exist because I have a feeling that my mind tells me something else then what my heart wants. But I am trying to show a brave face, this time. I still have to face the part where I have to meet my relatives, strangers and have to stay a night away from my home. Attending some family function is the deadliest dream. Ordering something over the phone or talking to hotel reception or room service, going to a salon kills me. I feel anxious while talking over the phone in front of my hubby. Still, have to conquer these. I don’t know, I mean I don’t want it to happen or maybe my mind tells me to wish for this. Whatever at present I want to enjoy the moment I am in.
I wish this feeling to stay on. Even if I have to put on a mask to feel that way I would do it.

Fighting my inner demons

Hi all my WP family memebrs….I am too excited and overhelmed to share a news with you that couldnot stop myself from writing this post first, keeping my work aside.

Just now I recieved a mail from Olumpia publishers that they have gone through my synopsis and sample chapter of the book titled’ Fighting My Inner Devils’ and want my manuscript for further evaluation.

I dont know what is next but for now I am very happy that atleast I have finished one goal out of three. I already shared with you all friends out there that I am writing a book on, how I deal with my depression, anxiety and panic attacks, so this book of mine has started off its joureney and took its first step towards its final destinqtion.

I thank you all with my heart and feel deepest gratitude towards you, that you supported me, encouraged me and corrected me wherever neccessary. Please pray for it to passout with glowing colors. I need them the most. And with all your blessings and well wishes I know it can happen.

Thanks again for all the support and for standing by me.

Recently I faced anxiety attack in its worst form and at worst time. I always feared it to occur in front of Him, know what? It happened in front of him, right at the moment when he was sharing something important about his work. Damn, how hard I tried to control but… ah well. He got angry and didn’t talk to me for the whole day, because he thought I was over reacting to the call about which he was telling.

Well, I try some techniques now and then to control it. And it does help me at the time. So sharing it with you all.

When anxiety attacks…

. Look around you.

.find five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you c an smell, and one thing you can taste.

It is called 5 senses meditation called grounding. It helps to refocus on your surroundings.

. Practice mindfulness, when you are busy and have not much time try to focus on the present, it will relax your mind.

. Be creative. Music, painting or any form of art. No need to be a star performer, only your expression of inner feelings will do.

. TO stay active keeps your mind diverted from the problem which triggers the anxiety.

. Dancing is another way to feel light hearted. It actually keeps you at high. Actually it does make you forget troubles and joy overflows, eyes spark and excitement oozes out. And you feel fresh.

Another way is to :

. breathe in for 4 seconds

. hold it for 7 seconds

. exhale for 8 seconds

. repeat once or twice.

This causes an automatic nervous system shift from sympathetic mode to parasympathetic mode. It even helps during the exams and presentations.

. Drink water. The cooler the better. Focus on sipping slowly and how you feel about it.

. If in room, go out or open the window to breathe in the fresh cool air. Focus on smells, sounds and temperature around.

. Get fidget or even a clicking pen to channelize your adrenaline.

. eat chocolate. Most favorite of mine.

. Taking shower. I feel that as the water runs down it takes away my pain and tension and relieves me leaving in light mood and stress free.

. Blowing bubbles makes you giggle as they pop.

. Go for a walk. Being out relaxes you and new surroundings divert your mind.

. Listening to some slow and soothing music relaxes the tensed muscles and mind.

These are the tricks and tips I follow randomly. And they do relax me. Hope I am of some help.

 

Pretending that I am brave and I can do anything I have in my hands is pretty much easy than fighting with my own mind. I know all my interests and likings are gone but to try and start doing something is far more easy than being alone in the greys of my mood and staring back at the blankness.

I just picked up my pen and camera. I am trying to fill in the colors in my black and white photos. Behind the scene, the real story is disheartening and soul snatching. I am sorry to say but this is the fact of my condition right now. Many a times a thought of ending everything comes to my mind and I am afraid of it. I love my children so much that I can’t even dare to think so. Thus keeping my children in mind I have decided to fight…and believe me writing has helped me a lot.

Some liberties I got and rest I took. And because of it I know there are many like me and there is no shame in opening about the condition. I know my mental illness is not going to leave me but I know it can be controlled. This fact has helped me a lot and all this I found out here on the net, by writing and reading a lot about sufferers like me. Some of their stories made me cry some of them made me strong. Today with all your support and zest for love for my children I am again trying my level best to fight back.

For me every color of life has been washed away with the betrayal of my love but I am trying to rekindle my interest in everything. So that I can let it(the pain) go and be happy. I want to be happy because I am suffocating down here, in the cage of my thoughts. They don’t let me come up, as I try to climb, they pull me down. So after writing, I am picking up one more interest to rekindle…that is Camera. I will take my trail to survive, to next level. I don’t like to give up neither I like to fail. So will keep trying.

I believe that your investments (in any walk of life) never go in vain. Its degree of your faith that gets you the returns in many folds or even loss. So with my fingers crossed and heart in my work, I am starting my new you tube channel, hoping that it will take me one more step closer to my dreams coming true.

Then I wish to speak. I mean when I was studying and we had some program in school I was so afraid of acting or debating on stage. And group discussions were nightmares. But once in grade 8 I was asked to read a school report in front of everyone present as I started the mic went off but in my tension to finish the report I continued to read it loudly so that everyone can listen. I was surprised to know that I was appreciated for that. This incident gave mea boost so one more time and that was the last time I spoke publically, for the class project I had to explain my model. Everyone listened attentively thus my teacher said I had the talent of Gap. So this I want to try in next level.

These all are my tools to fight with my depression.  For anxiety I have to master the mind game tools. I am trying meditation, yoga and other mind calming tools. I don’t have mastered the techniques yet but I know it will pay me in the long run. As for panic attacks and sleep paralysis and hallucinations I am searching. If anybody knows something to deal with these two please leave the remedy in my comment section.

I believe every human being has the right to be happy, this is the reason I have no grudge against my hubby and his muse. If they are happy that way let them be. I am happy loving him. As I said universe is very powerful, it will look into the matter and will accordingly justify. So, being happy is what I am destined to be. Thus regaining my true happiness is I am aiming right now. In the eyes of my children I want to be a good mother so that later in their lives they don’t feel bad about me and our relationship. I want them to smile whenever they see me and give me tight hugs. Their sweet chatters and their naughtiness driving me crazy, are what I want to enjoy. I want to feel everything. I want to feel pain, I want to feel love and all this is true happiness for me. For this I am trying my level best to cope with what I  am going through.

I don’t know what I am writing but today just wanted to share my inner feelings with you all and ask for some other ways to tackle this. Hope you will understand and give me suggestions.

May 2018: Mental Health Awareness Month ~💚~ Share Because You Care ~💚~ — Beckie’s Mental Mess

Good Afternoon, My Dear Friends! I want to profusely thank all of you who are sharing your stories with me and sharing your websites names to add to the Mental Health Meet & Greet list. A new list of websites will be shared on Friday, May 11th. 💚 Together, we can break the stigma that […]

via May 2018: Mental Health Awareness Month ~💚~ Share Because You Care ~💚~ — Beckie’s Mental Mess

Life

Life is treating me like a stranger. I dont know how to get out of this situation. It’s strange that I am unknown to myself. The person who grew up and the person whp turned out on growing up are two different people. Its becoming hard day by day to keep abalance between the two, to keep hold on life itself. Everyday I struggle to keep calm. To keep calm in front of my love, my kidos and others, when the tables turn. But don’t know how to get out of this.

I never ever was such a irritating person. But now I am irritating myself. Life has so much to offer but I am not opening up to accept it. How hard I may try but trys are all I do.

Sometimes I hear or see someone elses problems and their struggles with life, for a while I feel blessed but then again my darkness falls on me. I have become like a frog 2ho liv3s in a well and thinos its the whole world. I hate this situation. I want to come out of it, the wrll is a very scary place, it may suffocate me. The darkness down here is very numbing. I am desperate to feel everything again, the way I used to feel. I want to be real me. The originql me. I understand the pain and wait of pupa before it comes out of the cocoon as an enchanting butterfly but the difference here is I don’t know when my cocoon will break.

It is said the night is darkest before the dawn and the turn where we feel enough is enough is where the things take turn. But why can’t anyone tell the time for this long wait which seems infinite.

Anxiety.

Anxiety is sometimes is a real pain in the neck… It keeps you on the edge. A real unrest you experience. Its like something constantly nagging you untill what is desired happens…and when you know nothing can be done in the case, you just keep burning your energy in waste, you shout on others without any reason, you dont get the point, in any matter, you just are stamping un and down…anxious about the matter in concern and then suddenly you want to cry and go hide somewhere. And on top of it when you have the social anxiety attack….aaah..what to say!

Its a total hell if a situation you can not avoid nor live with it. Inside it feels like when it all will get over…somehow it should get over.?.some miracle should happen so you know nothing of the unpleasent event but it gets over…and everything should come to normal.

The feeling inside is unexplainable. But its like eating me up inside slowly and slowly and nibbling me, taking its own time causing a deep sharp pain…but then no one knows of it. For they see only a smile stuck upon the lips.

To whom should you turn? Everyone out there is waiting for you to do them a favour but are not intrested in what agony you are feeling. Sometime ps you just want to go missing or run away but all you can do is smilingly face the situation while dieing inside at tue same timel. But you should be very careful that your wrath doesnt fall on your lived ones, specially kids, or else you will be very sorry and guilt wont let you be happy and again giving the other demon, depression, to raise its head.

All of this is a vicious cycle. A one which wont let you be you.