Thantophobia

Gosh..! Seems ages passed and I was like…Looking for something which had some meaning or atleast resonated with what I feel…and today at this time … 10.38 pm on 23rd Jan 21, I saw … a word which had every emotion I go through. …Thantophobia.

Since my childhood I’ve always hidden my actual feelings just in case If they are known, my loved ones will be dead or leave me alone. Some incidents in my childhood and early teens, confirmed it. And today I still struggle with the same fear. I have a feeling that I am still being haunted by it. May be its true, the fear. Though I am trying to overcome it but Time pushes my efforts back everytime and confirms that my fears are true.

I lost the one person

I thought I would never loose

And now I am all alone, though

I may not look alone physically

But mentally there is no one in sight

So apt are the words for my present situation. I am too lost that I don’t see any way out. I just hold on to my pen as my rescue. My thoughts wander a lot, but just in my head. My fingers tapping on the keys give the vent to my feelings and thats all I have as my compny.

Chapter closed.

One more chapter from precious book of my life over. It was the last chapter connected to my father. Its like an era of golden period is over.

A chapter very close to my heart,from my childhood. Though I don’t have very fond memories of it but still whatever I have are very sweet.

By the closing of this chapter, I never thought I’d be so much affected but I am moved.

I lost my grand mother, in the wee hours of sunday morning. She never cherished her grand children in their childhood but in hour early teens she became close to us. Though her relationship with us was sweet and sour but her death has shaken us to the core. And I am the one whom she was asking about as I stay far away and couldn’t reach to see her. From last one month on and off she kept asking about me, that makes me feel more of a loner now, away from my family and my people.

Right now there is no one near to share my pain except my two kids, so just writing it down, to calm down my mind.