Why I am not writing ?

The time has passed very past since I started blogging and now I am in a phase where my pain has given a way to numbness, sort of. And I still am trying to figure out what I want?

Basically the idea behind to start the blog was to put out my thoughts in words because they were emergings in such a speed in my mind that I was not able to cope up, plus they were thoughts of hopelessness, so I thought it better to put them out of my mind or else they might have turnedme crazy or lunatic, killed me at most.

But, now the urgency of taking them out has slowed down a bit and plus my hubby bcomes angry seeing them as he feels whatever he is doing for me to take my mind away from the insulting betraying pain he has given me, is useless and wants to stop loving and caring for me finally. So, I have stopped thinking, at all and turned absentminded. I am, sometimes blank, or dumb or even weired.

There are many distractions I am fancying now a days to stop thinking and writing. Till now I didnt know why I am staying away from the blog or why not writing poems or songs even, but while writing this very blogpost I realized what’s the reason behind my not able to write, write anything at all. Because, my words spoke about the pain I feel, the hurt I am going through. Now I know the whole life I am living is just a pretence of happiness and peace. But for the love of children this pretence is nccessary, so I think its better to stay away from what all is going on in my heart, let the mind be unaware of real me for the sake of happiness and smile of my children.

But, tell you what? Its really scary when by chance or mistakenly I take a sneakpeak inside me, like today. The real me is still very furious and hurt, looking ways for forgive herself, to come to terms with the harsh reality of life. Pray for me please, that I stay sane and Live life not spend it. I want to enjoy the chance I’ve got, do not want to waste it as it may be the last and only.

8 thoughts on “Why I am not writing ?

  1. Hey dear, each word you wrote finds a spot in my life which it fit into. Along the way as I journey through life I have come to understand that it is selfish to think about life base on our appearance and strength. Life is much more than that. I started blogging too because I was so angry at the kind of growing up I had, I was so restricted, among many other things and just like I mentioned in my 2018 experience, we can’t keep discussing about our pain and expect them to go away from us. We need to change the topic, dream of what you want to feel, feel free to feel your fantasy and don’t hesitate to write them down, blog about it and careless about what others have to say about your fancy. You will see your pain wash away slowly and your fantasy will breakthrough. Anything and everything is possible if you can only imagine and believe. In this 2019 I want to be your close friend (if possible) we keep discussing out fantasies and blogging it.
    I really don’t know the indepth o your pain, worries or situation but I know there can be an awesome improvement.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hope so too. The advice you gave about dreams and believing in them is so true and will keep my hopes high to realise my dreams and achieve what i want. The love I have for my children and hubby, no matter what he did, is so strong that you can call me crazy or even a fool but so I am. I am an emotional and sentimental fool. I am proud of my friend circle which is very small but very supportive one. And would be honoured to welcome you in it.

      Like

      1. Yup I did☺. My prob is that I befriend only people who share my mindset and wavelength, my type views and have understanding plus respect for others. May be so the circle is so small and you just fit in this, so your posts have always my likings and comments. Hope our blogenship goes a long way.

        Liked by 1 person

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