Pretending that I am brave and I can do anything I have in my hands is pretty much easy than fighting with my own mind. I know all my interests and likings are gone but to try and start doing something is far more easy than being alone in the greys of my mood and staring back at the blankness.
I just picked up my pen and camera. I am trying to fill in the colors in my black and white photos. Behind the scene, the real story is disheartening and soul snatching. I am sorry to say but this is the fact of my condition right now. Many a times a thought of ending everything comes to my mind and I am afraid of it. I love my children so much that I can’t even dare to think so. Thus keeping my children in mind I have decided to fight…and believe me writing has helped me a lot.
Some liberties I got and rest I took. And because of it I know there are many like me and there is no shame in opening about the condition. I know my mental illness is not going to leave me but I know it can be controlled. This fact has helped me a lot and all this I found out here on the net, by writing and reading a lot about sufferers like me. Some of their stories made me cry some of them made me strong. Today with all your support and zest for love for my children I am again trying my level best to fight back.
For me every color of life has been washed away with the betrayal of my love but I am trying to rekindle my interest in everything. So that I can let it(the pain) go and be happy. I want to be happy because I am suffocating down here, in the cage of my thoughts. They don’t let me come up, as I try to climb, they pull me down. So after writing, I am picking up one more interest to rekindle…that is Camera. I will take my trail to survive, to next level. I don’t like to give up neither I like to fail. So will keep trying.
I believe that your investments (in any walk of life) never go in vain. Its degree of your faith that gets you the returns in many folds or even loss. So with my fingers crossed and heart in my work, I am starting my new you tube channel, hoping that it will take me one more step closer to my dreams coming true.
Then I wish to speak. I mean when I was studying and we had some program in school I was so afraid of acting or debating on stage. And group discussions were nightmares. But once in grade 8 I was asked to read a school report in front of everyone present as I started the mic went off but in my tension to finish the report I continued to read it loudly so that everyone can listen. I was surprised to know that I was appreciated for that. This incident gave mea boost so one more time and that was the last time I spoke publically, for the class project I had to explain my model. Everyone listened attentively thus my teacher said I had the talent of Gap. So this I want to try in next level.
These all are my tools to fight with my depression. For anxiety I have to master the mind game tools. I am trying meditation, yoga and other mind calming tools. I don’t have mastered the techniques yet but I know it will pay me in the long run. As for panic attacks and sleep paralysis and hallucinations I am searching. If anybody knows something to deal with these two please leave the remedy in my comment section.
I believe every human being has the right to be happy, this is the reason I have no grudge against my hubby and his muse. If they are happy that way let them be. I am happy loving him. As I said universe is very powerful, it will look into the matter and will accordingly justify. So, being happy is what I am destined to be. Thus regaining my true happiness is I am aiming right now. In the eyes of my children I want to be a good mother so that later in their lives they don’t feel bad about me and our relationship. I want them to smile whenever they see me and give me tight hugs. Their sweet chatters and their naughtiness driving me crazy, are what I want to enjoy. I want to feel everything. I want to feel pain, I want to feel love and all this is true happiness for me. For this I am trying my level best to cope with what I am going through.
I don’t know what I am writing but today just wanted to share my inner feelings with you all and ask for some other ways to tackle this. Hope you will understand and give me suggestions.