I loved you even though I knew you’re gonna hurt me heartlessly oneday. I still love you when I know your love is not mine. Sometimes there are the times when I hate myself for loving you. You say I am the sole reason for my mental illness, you don’t have anything to do with it. But love, tell you one thing, even though I had something wrong with my mental condition, was it not your duty to lead me out through it? Or you think taking me to the middle of the ocean leaving me their to drown and swim back to live your life, was right thing. May be that is right because you don’t have the guilt or concern about my condition. You don’t think you have anything to do with it. Its totally my fault because I had symptoms earlier which I told you about. But I didn’t know you will use it against me instead of holding me through it.

But I still love you like you’re my last hope. I think I don’t have depression, anxiety and panic attack as mental illness but Love also has become a part of my mental illnesses.  It is also something from which I cannot runaway. How hard I may want to but I cannot. My mind has embedded it. My heart has already surrendered. I am in a helpless condition now. Seriously, I am hopeless. Why this has happened to me or shall I ask why you did this to me? The question haunts me day and night 24/7. May be the reason is that I am not perfect but then you also turned out to be imperfect. But still I wish if, only if you could be mine in the way I am yours.

I thought you were mine, when you were breathing someone else’s name, so fool of me. Yes I am one biggest unmatchable foolish person who kept on blushing when saw you smiling at me. What I knew why you were laughing?  Now I cry my heart out, to sleep because now I understand that you laughed at me and I thought you loved me. But don’t you worry my heart will  always be yours and my love will have single address, you. You might not belong to me anymore and your heart may beat for someone else but I will love you till the day I breath my last.

I have a request to make, please don’t say, will see. I just want to see your face in front of my eyes and my head in your lap when I die. Remember my first wish, that I made to you? Well it is the same wish I am making right now. I never wished money, gifts, jewelry or any worldly pleasure but only your time, love and company. To share your pains, happiness and celebrate your achievements was all I wished for. I don’t know what went wrong or did I ask too much? The answers are still hiding and its making me go crazy. I know what is going to happen in the end, but deep down somewhere in my heart I truly and deeply wish that it won’t. Hopes are the fuel keeping me alive.

But do hopes work? Are they for real? Or just another illusion?

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